A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my 'ear,'" he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

SONGS FROM THE HOSPITAL "HIT PARADE"

* I'll be Sewing You.

* Red Cells in the Sunset.

* It's Spleen a Long, Long Time.

* It Had to Be Flu.

* On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma.

* Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney.

* The Staphs and Streps Forever.

* Old Man's Liver.

* I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace.

* The Girl From Emphysema.

* MRI Blue?

* My Melancolicky Baby.

An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next
to him.

The newcomer asks, "W-w-what are y-y-y-you d-d-
doing here?"

The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor."

"W-w-why d-d-d-do y-y-y-you w-want to s-s-s-see h-him?"

The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem

"A p-p-prostate p-p-p-problem, w-what's t-t-that?"

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something is wrong with his mouth.

The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is completely corroded. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious: Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, you name it."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

A guy goes in to see the doctor.

He says, "Doc, something terrible has happened...you've got to help me!"

The doctor says, "What's the problem?"

The guy says, "It's kind of embarassing, Doctor---hard for me to talk about. What if I just show you?"

The Doctor says OK. The guy drops his pants and there's this huge penis hanging down to his knees.

The doctor says, "Good grief, man, when did this happen?"

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem.

The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.

"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"

Medical Breakthrough Medications

St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior toshopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear,I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Recent medical journals now counsel doctors that, when testing stupid people, to refrain from telling them that they have sugar in their urine. Otherwise,they'll go home and piss on their corn flakes.

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.

The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can make this
right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, the man goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it’s a man's or woman's."

A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs.

He was taken to the hospital where his skin had turned bright red,and was painful and had started to blister.

Anything that touched his legs caused agony.

The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in his condition?"

This Chinese laundryman complained to the doctor that he was very constipated.

The doctor gave him a prescription for a good laxative. "Come to my office in a few days," said the doctor, "and let me know how it works."

A few days later, the Chinaman visited the doctor.

"Have you moved yet?" asks the doctor.

"No, sir, me no moovee, me no moovee."

The doc thinks about it, and then gives him a prescription for twice as much.

Three days later, when the man reported to the doc again, he said that he still hadn't moved and the doc gave him a triple dose, and he said, "Come back to see me in two days and let me know just what is happening."

Two days later, the man returned.

"Well," said the doctor, "have you moved yet?"

"No, sir, me no moovee yet. Me moovee tomorrow, though.

Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer.

After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said, "Doctor, I don't know how much more of this I can handle. We got us eight kids now and
I just don't know how we can go on. I gotta do something about having all these babies or I'll just lose my mind!"

The doctor scratched his head and wondered how to gently instruct the woman on how to curb her ordeal, and finally told her to pick up a ten-gallon bucket along with her supplies. "And every night when you go to bed, I want both of your feet in that bucket and don't take them out until morning."

So the lady was off and all of her problems seemed to be solved.

That next spring, right on cue, she walked into the doctor's office and promptly delivered another child.

"Ma'am, I thought I told you to sleep each night with your feet in a ten-gallon bucket. What happened?"

An optometrist instructs a woman in his office to read the eye chart.

"Sorry, Doc," she says. "I can't make it out."

"Can you see my diploma hanging on the wall?"

"Nope, it's too blurry," she answers.

He thinks a minute, then takes out his penis. "Can you see this?"

"Why yes, it's your penis."