A DOCTOR HAS BEEN GOING INTO THIS ONE BAR FOR QUITE SOME TIME,

AND EVERYTIME HE ORDERS A HAZELNUT DAQUIRI.

EVERY DAY THE BARTENDER HAS ONE ALREADY WAITING FOR HIM. 

ONE DAY, AS THE BARTENDER WAS GETTING READY TO FIX THE DAQUIRI HE NOTICE HE WAS OUT OF HAZELNUT EXTRACT SO INSTEAD HE USED HICKORYNUT. 

THE DOCTOR COMES IN AND TASTES THE DAQUAIRI AND EXCLAIMS IT IS NOT A HAZELNUT DAQUIRI.  THE BARTENDER SAYS...................................  

A guy goes to the optometrist.

The doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!"

"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Dr Smythe had just informed his patient that he only had three minutes to live. The patient looked up wistfully and said, "There must be something you could do for me!"

"Well," replied the doctor, "I could boil you an egg.."

******

"Doctor, doctor. I need some pills. I've become a kleptomaniac."

"Try these," said the doctor, "and if they don't work, get me a CD player."

******

"Doctor, doctor. Every time I sit down, I see visions of Mickey Mouse and Pluto, every time I stand up, I see Donald Duck."

An elderly guy goes to his doctor to get the results of a check-up. He sits down, and notices that the doctor has a grave look on his face.

"Some bad news, I'm afraid. The worst of it is that you have cancer, and only have 3 months to live."

The elderly bloke is devastated. "Is there more, doctor?"

"Yes, I'm afraid there is," replies the doctor. "You have Alzheimer's." The elderly bloke's face lights up.

A depressed man turned to his friend in the pub and said, "I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking 60 aspirins." "Oh, that's really bad," said his friend, "What happened?" "Well, after the first two, I felt much better."

******

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?

One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.

******

"Doctor, Doctor, I've got five penises," said the worried man. "How do your trousers fit?" asked the doctor. "No problem, they fit like a glove."

******

Last week I sent my wife for plastic surgery, they cut here credit cards in half.

******

Stomach Ache.

A man was suffering from a stomach ache, so he told his wife who suggested that he try the tablets that the Doctor had given her for a similar pain.

After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain dissapeared but he developed two rather tender lumps behind each ear.

He went to the Doctor, showing him the lumps, and explaining what had happened.

Whereby the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb, God knows how I'm going to get your balls back down".

The Baby

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examination room waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

He pressed, kneaded, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry and under weight. You don't have any milk."

A guy who has a stuttering problem says to his doctor... "Ex-Ex-ex-cu-cu-se me-me d-d-oc but-but I-I have th-th-this st-st-stuttering problem and I-I-I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-m-me?"

"Well, take off your clothes and get into this gown and let me check you over!"

The guy gets into the gown and the doctor begins his examination.

Finally the doctor, obviously suprised says, "I see what the problem is. Your penis is so large that it's pulling on your abdominal muscles, which in turn is causing strain on your vocal chords."

"W-w-w-well c-c-can you h-h-help m-m-me?"

"Sure I can, but we'll need to cut off about six inches!"

"G-g-go a-a-a-head,D-D-Doc,I-I-I-I can't t-t-t-take this an-anymore, d-do it!!!"

Six months later the guy goes back to the doctor. "Well doc," he says, "I must say that the operation was a great success, but my sex life really sucks and I would like my operation reversed.

Please put back what you took off!"

A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger.

A nurse standing in the room sees his "Little Willie" and begins to laugh hysterically.

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.

His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.

Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.

Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."

Santa Singh

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.

Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.

So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil........ Just when the clock struck 11....

Scroll down for what happened...

.
..
...
....
...
..
.
Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis. "I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor.

Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and returned the next day with a banana and a cookie.

The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."

Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over.

The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's rear.

While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor. "Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm." advised the doctor.

Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so complied with the order to bend over again.

Again, the doctor took the cookie and rammed IT up the patient's rear. "Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie." said the doctor.

The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.

The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the cookie.

And the next day, and the next day and the next...!! Every day UP went a banana, waited one minute, then UP went the cookie.

After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."

"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.

"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.

On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine".

So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana, and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer.

One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.

Finally, a little head poked out of the patient's rear.

"WHERE'S MY COOKIE???"

A woman is at a doctor's office.

She begs the doctor, "Please kiss me!"

The doctor says, "No!"

She asks again, "Doctor please kiss me."

The doctor says, "No!"

Once more she begs the doctor: "Doctor please kiss me!"