Red Ring

A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me!

I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis.

The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.

''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me?''

Did you hear about the theft at the Viagra factory?

The police are looking for some hardened criminals!

What's green and yellow and eats nuts?

Gonorrhea.

.

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor'; says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor.

A Brief History Of Medicine

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!''

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

A guy walks into a doctor's office.

He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear.

He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?!?"

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly said, ''My husband wants me to ask you...,'' to which the doctor replies, ''I know, I know,'' placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ''I get asked that all the time.

Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.''

''No, that's not it,'' the woman confessed.

Woman: Can I get Viagra here?

Pharmacist: Yes.

Woman: Can I get it over the counter?

The Blood Test

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we
have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the
samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain
which one is your wife's. And frankly, that's either bad or terrible.

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife's."

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

Receptionist: "Normally, yes, but you have an HMO and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

A doctor examined a woman and took her husband aside. "I don't want to alarm you," he said, "but I don't like the way your wife looks at all."

Then the professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted."

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it.

"Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.

Medical Charts

* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

* On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.

* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

* Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

* Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

* The patient refused autopsy.

* The patient has no previous history of suicides.

* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

* Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.

* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

* Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.

* She is numb from her toes down.

* While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

* The skin was moist and dry.

* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

* Patient was alert and unresponsive.

* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

* Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.

* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

* The patient was to have a bowel resection.

* However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

* Skin: somewhat pale but present.

* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.