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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2008 07:53 AM                        Rated G Marty Some writers use a nom de plume instead of their real names. I took my younger brother to a dentist who should try a nom de doctor. The nameplate outside his office read "General Dentistry, Dr. Will Hurt."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2008 07:24 AM                        Rated G t During the physical examination the doctor noticed the patient's hands were shaking, "You drink a lot, don't you?" "Nope," the patient answered. "I spill most of it."  |  IP: Logged Sally Ann Burgess Expert Film Handler Posts: 120 From: Queenstown, New Zealand Registered: Apr 2008 posted 07-14-2008 04:33 AM                     A doctor is showing a trainee nurse how to do the rounds and they come across a man with burns all over his body. The doctor says to the nurse, "Let's give this man half a Viagra." The nurse looks puzzled and asks, "Why the Viagra? Will it help the pain?" The doctor replies, "No, but it'll help keep the sheet off his legs...."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-24-2008 09:57 AM                        Rated PG eek: When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to Their hospital,the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled,'Over my dead body, while the Pediatricians Said,'Oh, Grow up!' The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to Wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.' The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists Felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in Administration.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-28-2008 03:44 PM                        Rated G Joker Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-25-2008 10:59 AM                        Rated R... A woman was in a coma.  She had been in it for months, Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.   They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'  The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and  went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2008 06:10 AM                        Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont. A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.' The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?' As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman.? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?' 'I didn't' have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.' 'Huh,' the younger doctor said 'Pretty clever, I think I'll try that at the next house.' Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.' 'You've probably been doing too much work for the church,' the younger doctor told her.? 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.' As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?' 'I did what you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-24-2008 06:47 PM                        Rated PG... An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?' The drunk, still staring down replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2008 12:50 PM                        Rated XXX I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it." Garry Shandling  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2008 10:41 AM                        Rated G Jokester Mental Health Outsourcing: I was depressed last night, so I called Lifeline who has it’s call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2008 10:43 AM                        Rated G Jokester Unusual phobias: Alektorophobia - fear of chickens Aulophobia - fear of a flute Clinophobia - fear of going to bed Ecclesiaphobia - fear of churches Eisoptrophobia - fear of mirrors Eeniophobia - fear of chins Genuphobia - fear of knees Gymnotophobia - fear of nudity Ichthyophobia - fear of fish Levophobia - fear of the left side Linonophobia - fear of string Meteorophobia - fear of being hit by meteor Nephelophobia - fear of clouds Odontophobia - fear of teeth Ouranophobia - fear of heaven Pediophobia - fear of dolls Pogonophobia - fear of beards Siderophobia - fear of starts Stygiophobia - fear of hell Triskaidekaphobia - fear of the number 13  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2008 10:46 AM                        Rated PG Jokester Little Known Illnesses AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles. DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before. HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change. HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool. HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50. CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction. VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit. SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will. ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien. OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2008 10:48 AM                        Rated G Jokester Because I Care This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. This is why I'm contacting you....Well, my job is done!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2008 10:52 AM                        Rated G Jokester Psychiatric Advice Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains! Pull yourself together, man! Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell. Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring. Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow. Don't let people push you around. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible. Who said that?! Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me. What do you mean by that? Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me! Next! Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say. Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem? Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you later. Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly! Lay on the couch, face down. Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop stealing things. Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV! Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon. Sit there and don't stir. Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive. Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm... Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights. And how long have you had this complaint? Who wants to know? Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank! And how long have you had this complaint? What complaint? Doctor, doctor, I feel so short! No problem. Hop up on the couch. Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket. You do look a little pail. Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live. Wait a minute please. Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. Don't answer! Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a bridge. What's come over you? Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach. Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a cat. How long has this been going on? Oh, since I was a kitten! Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog. Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you. I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-25-2008 09:02 AM                        Rated R Jokester The Downside of Steroids The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win the nationals easily . Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." "What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go? " She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."  |  IP: Logged

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