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Author Topic: Medical Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 04-05-2008 01:23 PM                        Rated PG.... A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: 'Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 12:21 PM                        Rated G TheWhiteRabbit "Doctors Never Laugh"... the Doctor replied "Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2008 03:59 PM                        Rated PG There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor. After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help. "Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?" "Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2008 12:25 PM                        Rated G I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it." Garry Shandling  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-21-2008 09:49 PM                        Rated G Vicky Studying to become a registered nurse, my granddaughter Kim received her first hospital assignment: a day in the delivery room. Kim was still shaking with excitement as she stood in the corridor after the first delivery was completed. She wondered why the doctors and nurses were laughing as they left the room. "Do you know what you did in there?" one of the nurses asked. "No I don't" Kim answered. "When the baby came out," said the nurse with a grin, "you clapped."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2008 06:10 PM                        Rated G Lorraine My mother and I had to leave my father lying in a crowded hospital admittance area overnight. Adjacent to his bed lay a deathly ill woman, her grim-faced family surrounding her. A priest was there, saying prayers. The next morning when we returned, the woman was up and pacing the hallway. "Wow!" I exclaimed to my mother. "What an amazing comeback." She shrugged and casually quipped, "I told you your father's snoring was enough to raise the dead."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-26-2008 03:21 PM                        Rated G Medical Results A Japanese doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it into another, and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor said, "That's nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it into another, and have him looking for work in four weeks." A British doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it into another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks." A Texas doctor, not to be outdone, said, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him into the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-26-2008 03:23 PM                        Rated G The Doctor's Advice A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the main entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital, keeled over on the sidewalk. The first man ran towards the second and noticed that he was obviously dead. The man rushed into the hospital, grabbed the first doctor that he could find, and screamed, "Doctor, Doctor!! A man just walked out of the hospital and dropped dead on the sidewalk!! What should I do?" The doctor thought about this dilemma for a few moments, then suggested, "Spin him around. Make it look like he was coming in."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-26-2008 03:26 PM                        Rated G Relocation At the urging of his doctor, John moved to Arizona. After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man. "Say, my doctor recommended I move here for my health. Is this really a good place to live?" "It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed." "That's wonderful!" said John. "How long have you been here?" "I was born here."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-26-2008 03:28 PM                        Rated G The Hospital Board of Directors When the hospital Board of Directors asked a panel of doctors to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception. The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body," while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no..  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2008 07:53 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Will I Live to see 80? Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling? 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I replied. He looked at me and said,...................'Then, why do you even give a shit?'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2008 12:49 PM                        Rated X An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his pen*s covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it". The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc". The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there’s no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis". The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice". The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his pens and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very lare disease". The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait another couple of weeks. Penis fall off by itself!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-23-2008 12:03 PM                        Rated Lorraine Recovery was slow and painful after I broke my leg, but finally I was back at work. However, each step I took was in anticipation of the pain that would follow, and the end of each day's shift at the hospital was a blessing. Finally, sitting opposite my wife at breakfast on Friday morning, I said, "I'm sure glad the weekend's coming, for the sake of my leg." "Yes," she agreed. "It needs a break."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2008 09:35 AM                        Rated G teddybear Psychiatrist to office nurse: Please just say 'we're terribly busy.' not "it's a madhouse."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2008 09:41 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"  |  IP: Logged

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