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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 09:05 AM                        Rated G While making rounds,a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," she says,"the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.Michael,what would you do in a case like this?" "Well," ponders the student,"I suppose I'd limp too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 10:23 AM                        Rated G Patient:Doctor,I have a problem.I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I don't touch a drop. Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. Patient: I don't smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don't do drugs. Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life. Doctor: In that case,get yourself a drink,learn to smoke, do some drugs,and find a couple of girlfriends:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-30-2003 03:30 PM                        Rated G BabyBlues I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots around here.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-02-2003 08:56 AM                        Rated PG The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills." The doc asked, "What's his occupation?" The girl said, "Army." "Active or retired?" "If he wasn't active,I wouldn't need these damn pills,would I?!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-03-2003 03:49 PM                        Rated R A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.When asked what he would do if released,he replied,"I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place." Obviously,his release was denied. Six months later,the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same."I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place" Again,he was turned down. Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.The patient said,"You will never get released with answers like that.You have to tell them what they want to hear.Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions." So,after considerable coaching,the man felt that he was ready. So when the board met again,they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.He said,"I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."' "Good,"they said, and then what?" He said,"I want to meet a nice girl and start dating. "They agreed he was making real progress and asked,"And then what"?"One night when we are alone in my apartment,I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend.I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed.""Yes?",the board said excitedly."Then I am going to gently remove her panties,"he continued.The board members were really getting excited now and asked,"Then what are you going to do?" He said,"I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot,come back here and break every damn window in this place!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-04-2003 04:07 PM                        Rated G Jill was really peeved!She was arguing with the druggist because her favorite cure-all could not bebought without a prescription. "Look,lady.You can't have this without a prescription because it's a habit-forming drug." "IT IS NOT!" yelled Jill."I ought to know...I've been taking it regularly for seventeen years!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-12-2003 09:03 AM                        Rated G A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone."We have the results back from your tests,and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H. "G.A.S.H?" replies the patient."What the hell is that?" "It's a combination of gonorrhea,AIDS, syphilis, and herpes," explains the doctor. "My gosh,Doc!" screams the man in a panic,"what are we going to do?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza,pancakes and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly. "Will that cure me?" "Well no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-12-2003 02:01 PM                        Rated G The West Nile Virus has reached Southern California. Doctors say the symptoms are lethargy and loss of coordination. Health teams will check out the elderly,the poor,and the Dodgers.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-12-2003 02:17 PM                        Rated G The Diagnosis Thought I'd let my doctor check me, cause I didn't feel quite right, All those aches and pains annoyed me, and I couldn't sleep at night. He could find no real disorder, but he wouldn't let it rest, What with Medicare and Blue Cross, we could do a couple tests. To the hospital he sent me, though I didn't feel that bad, He arranged for them to give me, every test that could be had. I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped, my aging frame displayed, Stripped, on an ice cold table, while my gizzards were x-rayed. I was checked for worms and parasites, for fungus and the crud, While they pierced me with long needles, taking samples of my blood. Doctors came to check me over, probed, pushed and poked around, And to make sure I was living, they wired me for sound. They have finally concluded, their results have filled a page, What I have will someday kill me, my affliction is OLD AGE!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-14-2003 06:58 AM                        Rated G Michele A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled past. The woman looked at the doctor,smiled,and said in a sexy voice,"Hi there handsome, how ya doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off. "Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife. "Oh, just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor. "Oh, yeah!" snarled his wife, "In whose profession? Yours or hers!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-14-2003 07:00 AM                        Rated G Alex "I think we should go Dutch," the nurse said to the doctor in the dimly lit restaurant. "You pay for dinner and the movie, and the rest of your night can be on me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-14-2003 08:14 AM                        Rated PG NURSES What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste. Medical Nursery Rhyme Mary had a little lamb......her nurse midwife is in theapy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-14-2003 12:06 PM                        Rated G NURSES How to tell a new nurse from an experienced nurse....... A new nurse expects meds and supplies to be delivered on time. An experienced nurse is surprised if they are delivered at all.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-15-2003 12:13 PM                        Rated R Crazy Ass Joke Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again. Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives." But is was still not good! So they tried: "Minds and Behinds" "Analysis and Anal Cysts" "Nuts and Butts" "Freaks and Cheeks" "Loons and Moons" "Lost Souls and Ass Holes" None worked. Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends." APPROVED!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-15-2003 12:17 PM                        Rated PG Psychiatrist Charles Gould, 69, was scheduled for a disciplinary tribunal after allegedly belting a patient with a frying pan and a wine bottle when the patient said Gould should retire because he was "past his sell-by date" (Newtown abbey, Northern Ireland, April).  |  IP: Logged

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