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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 01:34 PM                        Rated G Nurses It's hard to live with a nurse because................ A nurse will always ruin ER by yelling, They're doing it all wrong!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 01:39 PM                        Rated G True Tale in Nursing A Nurse working in labor and delivery saw a unusual tattoo on one of the expectant mothers. "Thats a pretty whale," she commened. The women replied, "It use to be a dolphin."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2003 03:35 PM                        Rated PG A man is waiting in a hospital to get a vaccination, and he's very uncomfortable with the idea of being stabbed with a long needle. After a while,the nurse calls him in to receive the injection. He nervously walks into the office and sits down where the nurse indicated,eyes bulging slightly at what seems to be an array of torture devices on the bench beside him. As the nurse prepares the needle,he tries to think of the most pleasurable things he can,to try and dull the pain he is expecting. The nurse turns to him with the filled needle, noticing his obvious nervously,tries to comfort him with the words, "Don't worry, it'll just be a small prick." The man jumps up, obviously upset. The nurse looks startled, but before she can say anything, the man yells out, "Just how many people has my wife been talking to?!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 08:28 AM                        Rated PG Becky AND ALL THAT GAS... A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing colonoscopies: "Take it easy,Doc,you're boldly going where no man has gone before." "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" "Can you hear me NOW?" "Oh boy,that was sphinterrific!" "Could you write me a note for my wife,saying that my head is not in fact,up there?" "You know,in some states,we're now legally married." "Any sign of the trapped miners,Chief?" "You put your left hand in,you take your left hand out.You do the hokey pokey and you turn it all about." "Hey!Now I know how a Muppet feels!" "Hey,Doc,let me know if you find my dignity."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2003 07:54 AM                        Rated G HIT SONGS FOR NURSES "On The Bonnie Banks of Glauoma" "Gonna Take A Sentimental Gurney" "Yes, We Have No Pajamas" "Glove Me Tender"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2003 05:50 PM                        Rated G Michele My niece,pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered. Her response:"Just meet me in the parking lot!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 07:17 AM                        Rated G Jethro at the therapist's Jethro: I believe I'm Abraham Lincoln Therapist: Doesn't that make it difficult for your wife? Jethro: Yes, it does. Now she's trying to get rid of me. Therapist: Why do you say that? Jethro: She keeps inviting me to the theater.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2003 01:07 PM                        Rated G A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "One-seventy." The nurse puts him on the scale.It turns out that his weight is 183. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "Five-eleven." The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5' 8 1/2". She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high. The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and wiry. Now, I'm short and dumpy...."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2003 07:57 AM                        Rated PG Sue Bee Old man Morris was in the hospital.Every time the young nurse came in,she talked to him like a little child.She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,"And how are we doing this morning?" One day,Morris decided to get back at the annoying nurse. He had received apple juice with his breakfast.Since he had been given a urine specimin bottle to fill,you know where the juice went. The nurse came in and picked up the bottle.She looked at it and said,"It seems we are a little cloudy today..." At this,Morris snatched the bottle out of her hand,popped off the top,and drank it down, saying,..."Well, I'll run it through again,and maybe I can filter it better for you this time." The little nurse fainted!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2003 06:57 AM                        Rated G The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office."What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered."I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said."I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2003 12:13 PM                        Rated G Janine Remind me never to get a free chiropractic exam from a guy set up in front of a deli. All he did was adjust my boob. I guess the gloves with no fingers should've tipped me off.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 11:05 AM                        Rated G Janine Maurice had been in the hospital for several days when he got the attention of a nurse named Jessica while she propped up his pillows."I'm so worried," he said feebly."Last week I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria." "Relax," Jessica said,reassuring him with a broad smile."This is a first-rate hospital.When we treat someone for heart trouble,he dies of heart trouble."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2003 10:42 AM                        Rated PG The FDA just approved in the generic form. Please share with anyone you may know who needs this important information. Viagra can now be purchased at a huge discount under it's generic name. Just ask your doctor or pharmacist for the generic Viagra known as: mycoxafloppin  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2003 07:35 AM                        Rated PG The doctor knocked at the hospital door before entering Jill's room. Jill called out to come in. The doctor then proceeded to tell Jill to remove all of her clothing after which he gave her a thorough,from top to bottom, front to back,leaving no part of her body untouched. When he had finished,Jill looked the doctor straight in the eye and asked,"Doctor,can I ask you a question?" "Of course," he replied. Jill asks, "Why did you bother to knock?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2003 09:32 AM                        Rated G During my training as a medical-group receptionist,I was told never to recommend one of our doctors over another,but simply state who had available appointments.One day a woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially. "I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think I should see?" Knowing my supervisor was listening nearby, I tried to sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't recommend any of our doctors." "Well, you must know!" she said, heading for the door.  |  IP: Logged

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