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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 02:39 PM                        Rated G The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying cattle ranch, when he crossed paths with the town's gossip. "Doctor Wilson, how is the Smith baby?" "Well,the child was born without a penis," the doctor said... "Oh, oh my goodness!" said the gossip... and with a smile on her face, she turned to head into town to spread the news. Before she could take off to spread the news,the doctor quickly grabbed her arm,bent his head over and whispered in her ear, "But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 20 years!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 02:41 PM                        Rated G A very interesting fact Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body? Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 08:17 AM                        Rated G Napoleon & God In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?" The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here." The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?" The second responds, "God told me I was." At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 03:44 PM                        Rated :G Doctor's Orders Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?" Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc." Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order." Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 08:29 AM                        Rated G A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, Docor," he started. "No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One "doctor" is enough." "Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 07:04 PM                        Rated PG New Doctor A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 09:15 AM                        Rated G Frazzled, wrinkled, bloodshot This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 05:51 AM                        Rated G "No need for me to come out to the house," the doctor told the worried caller. "I've checked my files and your uncle isn't really ill at all - he just thinks he's sick." A week later, the doctor telephoned to make sure his diagnosis had been correct. "How's your uncle today?" he asked. "Worse," came the reply. "Now he thinks he's dead."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 09:27 AM                        Rated G A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 11:12 AM                        Rated G What the doctor says: This should be taken care of right away. What the doctor means:This is so easy and profitable, I want to fix it before it goes away.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 10:46 AM                        Rated X The Doctor's Convention There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner. After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room. ''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.'' After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again. This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.'' Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2003 07:59 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Headache Advice Millions of Americans regularly suffer from headaches.Here are some tips to help prevent them and ease the pain: Though disputed by conventional medicine,the ancient Chinese art of kneecap-smashing may distract you from your headache. The surest method of headache prevention is to develop a working time machine,go back to 1988,and marry a different woman who will not nag your ass into the ground about where you were all night and who was there with you and were you drinking. No matter how bad your head hurts,do not under any circumstances attempt to remove it. Many popular herbal headache remedies exist,including valerian and kava kava,but be advised that they don't do shit. Headache sufferers,be advised that episodes can easily be triggered by stress,improper diet,or people constantly chiming in with their useless friggin' headache advice.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 12:36 PM                        Rated G Nurses The Chief of Staff remarked to the Director of Nursing that there seemed to be an awful lot of expectantNurses in their hospital. As they were walking downthe hall, he was becoming concerned about a possible staff shortage and inquired of the Director when each pregnant Nurse they passed was due. Each time the Director would respond, "Some time in late September." Coming upon the 5th expectant Nurse, he asked yetagain. The Director responded, "I have no idea Sir. She wasn't at the Christmas Party."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 08:25 AM                        Rated PG A man came around in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 09:26 AM                        Rated G Frank There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.  |  IP: Logged

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