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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-27-2002 01:36 PM                        Rated G My dentist tells me that I'm lucky to still have all my own teeth, and most are in good condition too. Actually keeping all your teeth is easy. You should drink lots of milk, brush/floss often and mind your own business.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2002 08:28 PM                        Rated R AHMED FROM AFGHANISTAN Ahmed came to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor. The doctor said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes." Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! "What was wrong with me?" The doctor said, "You were homesick."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2002 07:49 AM                        Rated G The Ranks of a Hospital Surgeon: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound Is more productive than a train Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Talks with God Internist: Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is faster than a speeding BB Walks on water if the sea is calm Talks with God if special request is approved General Practitioner: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds Is almost as powerful as a switch engine Can fire a speeding bullet Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool Is occasionally addressed by God Resident: Barely clears a picket fence Loses tug-of-war with a train Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Swims well Talks with animals Intern: Makes high skid marks on a wall when trying to leap buildings Is run over by a train Is not issued ammunition Dog paddles Talks to walls Medical Student: Runs into buildings Recognizes a train 2 out of 3 times Wets himself with a water pistol Cannot stay afloat without a life preserver Mumbles to himself Nurse: Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks trains off the track Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them Freezes water with a single glance The Nurse IS God!!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 12:06 PM                        Rated G Alex We've all heard "Laughter is the best medicine." Lately I'm not so sure. If that were really true, wouldn't the medical profession have found a way by now to charge us for it?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 06:39 PM                        RATED G A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-19-2002 08:48 AM                        Rated G Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70.They rode on the elevator together at the end of anunbearably hot,sticky day.The younger man was completely done in,and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy. "I don't understand,"he marveled,"how you can listen to complaining patients from morning till night,on a day like this,and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?" The older analyst replied,"Who listens?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-19-2002 09:26 AM                        Rated G A patient walks into a psychiatrist's office and says,"Doctor,you've got to help me,I'm a schizophrenic." The doctor replied,"Don't worry about a thing.The four of us can handle it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2002 01:37 PM                        Rated G An optician was examining the eyes of a seven year old boy and he made this comment-"you have such lovely eyes,where did you get them from?" The boy looked at him and replied-"they came with my head".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2002 01:46 PM                        Rated G Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2002 09:56 AM                        Rated G Patient: It isn't possible that I'm as overweight as you say I am. Doctor: Maybe you would prefer to look at it in a different way. According to this chart, you're about 10 inches too short.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 06:52 AM                        Rated G While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room,I took X rays of a trauma patient.I brought the films to our radiologist,who studied the multiple fractures of both femurs and pelvis."What happened to this patient?"he asked in astonishment. "He fell out of a tree," I reported. The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree."I'm not sure,but his paperwork states he works for Acme Tree Experts." Gazing intently at the X rays,the radiologist blinked and said,"Cross out'experts.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2002 12:06 PM                        Rated R Last time Bill was in the hospital, he really enjoyed himself: Patting the bottoms of the pretty nurses,offering to show them his circumcision scar, and the like. One nurse finally had all she could stand of his crude behavior and said, "A pervert like you should be living in a whore house!" Bill grinned at her and said, "Well, it WOULD bemcheaper than here, but I can't get my insurance to pay for it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2002 09:07 PM                        Rated PG Man walks into the Doctors office. "I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die" Says the Doctor. The Man asks "How long do I have to live" "Ten" replies the Doctor. "What the hell does that mean" the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?" The Doctor Replies "Nine"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-02-2003 04:49 PM                        Rated PG A very nattily attired woman enters the grounds of the private mental hospital to visit her sister who is a patient there. As she makes her way to the front entrance, she comes upon a man working on a beautiful floral arrangement in a nicely landscaped portion of the property. She stops by this area to admire the gardener's work and decides to talk to him. "What a gorgeous floral arrangement," she says, "did you do all of this work yourself?" "But of course," replies the man. "You know I am actually a patient here but I love gardening and landscaping and seem to have a real nack for it. I think my parents put me in this place because they were tired of taking care of me. I wish I could convince the people who run this place that I am not mentally ill; that I am a skilled landscaper; am very talented and they should want to let me out of here so that I can find work like this on the outside. Do you know anyone here that could help me?" he asked the woman. "Why yes," she replied. "My father-in-law was one of the founders of this institution. If anyone can get you out, he should be able to. When I go inside, I will see what I can do for you and hopefully we will get you out of here and you can come and work for me. It seems like such a shame for you to be trapped in a place like this and I could sure could use your services on my estate." The lady took a few steps away heading toward the entrance to the mental hospital when suddenly she felt a sharp pain in her back. She looked around and noticed that a large landscape boulder was lying at her feet and it was this boulder that had hit her squarely in the center of her back. She peered back at the gardener, who calmly looked at her and said, "you won't forget now will you?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 07:57 AM                        Rated G Forgetting Again? The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."  |  IP: Logged

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