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Author

Topic: Medical

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-13-2002 02:42 PM

Rated G

Doctor Doctor Jokes

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.
How long have you felt like this ?
Ever since I was a puppy !

Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out !
Certainly, which way did you come in ?

Doctor, Doctor my little boy has just swallowed a roll of film.
Well lets just wait and see if anything develops !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
When did this start ?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth...

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon !
Well sit still and don't stir !

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out ?

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop !

Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed a pen
Well sit down and write your name !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog !
Sit !

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-14-2002 12:13 PM

Rated G Doctor Doctor Jokes

Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple.
We must get to the core of this !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad !

Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well.
That's quite enough out of you !

Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there !

Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking ?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor !

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them ?
They keep slipping out from under my arms !

Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish
Poor sole !

Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch !

Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift !
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor !

Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday.
Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells ?
What do you mean "took them out of their shells !"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-15-2002 06:26 AM

Rated G Doctor Doctor IV

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish !

Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up !
Just simmer down !

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots ?
I never make rash promises !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.
I see your point !

Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad ?
Well, I ouldn't start watching any new soap operas !

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy !

Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar !
Have you taken anything for it ?

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a telephone.
Well, take these pills and if they don't work then give me a ring

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-18-2002 05:21 PM

Rated G

Sue Bee

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits
and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my
age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist
asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no," I
replied, "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs? I
said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he
asked. "No I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy
women?" "No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."

He look at me and said,

"Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80 ??" [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-18-2002 05:27 PM

Rated G

A high-class couple took their very ugly daughter to a prominent
plastic surgeon. "Doctor," asked her father,"we'd be very grateful
if you could give her a body to match her face."

It took some doing and was an incredible challenge to the surgeon, but the task was accomplished. A month later, the doctor phoned to see how she was getting along.

"Just fine," replied her mother. "We're so proud. Last week, she won Best of Breed at the Westminster Dog Show!" [Eek!]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-20-2002 01:47 PM

Rated G

When I was a medical student my 'Firm' was about to start our
psychiatry rotation.

On the first day we turned up on the Psychiatric ward a bit worried about how we may find it, having heard rumors as you do. We were quite relieved when the Registrar, Dr Smith, introduced himself and took us into the teaching room to tell us about all the patients on theward; he did a good job.

Unfortunately our fears returned after 1/2 hour when the proper registrar arrived and introduced us to *Dr Smith* who was in fact one of the patients himself....... [Eek!]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-20-2002 01:56 PM

Rated PG

Phil in Oklahoma

WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU NEED A NEW DOCTOR

The patient before you was a goat.

Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.

He has an assistant named Igor.

The local bar association named him "Client of the Year."

Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.

During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone
connected to
the knee bone" song.

Mike Wallace and the '60 Minutes' film crew are hanging out in
his
waiting room.

He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.

His diploma is from Salsa University in Uganda

All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself
Series."

He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-20-2002 05:08 PM

Rated G

Doctor Doctor VI

Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?
Absolutely nothing !

Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there !

Doctor, Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in
What about a matchbox !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a python
You can't get round me just like that you know !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito
Go away, sucker !

Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth.
So why did you come around then ?
Well, I saw this light at the window...!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder
Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it !

Doctor, Doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake
Sleep in another room then ! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-20-2002 05:16 PM

Rated G

Doctor, Doctor I've a split personality
Well, you'd better both sit down then !

Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible
Which sister ?

Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh dear, that's a lot of calories !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a yo-yo
Are you stringing me along !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire
Necks please!

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone
Are you choking ?
No, I really did !

Doctor, Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed, what can I do ?
Saw the legs off of your bed !

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex
!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eel
That's shocking !
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm
How boring for you ! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-20-2002 05:21 PM

Rated G

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit
Will you get out of my hair !

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy ?

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a butterfly
Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about !

Doctor, Doctor I've broke my arm in two places
Well don't go back there again then !

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar
Don't worry you'll soon change !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a moth
Get out of the way, your in my light !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a spider
What a web of lies !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a snail
Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a snake about to shed it's skin
Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then ! [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-21-2002 12:12 PM

Rated G

William's mother was on the telephone to the boy's dentist. "I don't understand it," she complained, "I thought his treatment would only cost me $20, but you've charged me $80."

"It is usually $20, ma'am," agreed the dentist, "but William yelled so loudly that three of my other patients ran away!" [Mad]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-21-2002 12:17 PM

Rated X

The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call.

It was Mr.Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix. "See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together."

"I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly," and don't worry about a thing.I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."Mr.Tuckerman whispered,"Yes, but from an IUD?"
[Eek!]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-21-2002 12:30 PM

Rated

Baby Blues

You might consider or be a nurse if...

~You avoid unhealthy looking people in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

~It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand.

~You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

~You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.

~You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.

~You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.

~You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food.

~You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky. [Cool]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-24-2002 02:45 AM

Rated G

Becky

"Medical reasearchers have discovered a new disease that has no
symptoms.It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far."

--George Carlin

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 11-25-2002 08:59 AM

Rated G

A guy went to the doctor saying he felt bad... the doctor asked
what the problem was and he said "I don't know, I'm having such
bad luck anymore I can't seem to get rid of it.

The doctor asks " well, just how bad has your luck been?"

The guy says, "doctor, my luck is so bad that if you give me a month to live, it'll be February!!" [Big Grin]

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