Jack was laying on a gurney in the hospital room, naked from the
waist down,waiting for an operation. Like most hospitals, he lay
there naked,and alone...waiting.A knock-out looking nurse finally comes in and notices a fly walking on top of his rather erect penis.

She exclaimed, "Shall I knock it off for you?"

Jack replied,"No, baby,just kiss me and I'll paste him to the ceiling."

A doctor told Mrs. Smith to give her husband one pill aday and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina.

A month later, when Mrs. Smith came in for anothervisit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with thepill and the whiskey?"

"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the seventy-year old man after the examination.

"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint. My sex drive is too high. Got anything you cando for that, Doc?"

The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.

"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."

"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the seventy-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"

Viagra in Spanish, we're told, is "viejos agradecidos" or "great old guys".

Viagra has been a big boon to 'stand up' comedians.

A man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he's hard up.

Viagra in chocolate bars - you eat it, She says, "Oh Henry!"

A bank sign in Dallas during this heat wave complains: "Who put
Viagra in the thermometer?"

A self-rising bread with Viagra as an added ingredient is being
marketed through a Boston bakery under the name "Pepperidge Firm".

Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died.

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed
over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night.

Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five
gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the
region.

The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive.

The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive.

If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor!

A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his
shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too
stiff to wear.

We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomato plants. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall.

Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland - a one-hour wait for a
2-minute ride.

Dan Quail does not support Viagra. Quote: "I've been using this
stuff for a week and NOTHING! It's the worst suppository I've ever used."

Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north.

Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off
into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up.

New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to pump it full of Viagra, and expect it to raise right up.

For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they're raising the dead!

The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.

It's been said that if you take Viagra and Propecia (or use Rogain) at the same time, things work great -- but you look like Don King, afterward.

A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked: The police are looking
for two 'hardened criminals'. They expect a stiff penalty under
the penal code.

Unconfirmed but frequent reports tell us that a man who overdosed
on Viagra caused the funeral home problems - they couldn't close
his coffin lid for 3 days.

Even so, we're told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in business.

The nursing home that gives viagra to its male patients to prevent
them rolling out of bed!

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead.

Thegeneral practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but
misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

The Italian composer, Rossini, went to see his doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "Your trouble stems from wine, women and song."

Rossini suggested, "Well, I can get along without the songs, since I compose my own."

The doctor said, "Well, which of the other two are you prepared to give up?"

"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist
trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.

"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to the doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table,and started to examine him.

The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

"Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.

RAPID RESPONSE

Working on a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my husband and me to stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner after a call. I had gone in to get a head of lettuce and some apples. Unknown to me the floor was wet from the newly installed produce sprayers.

Down I went, hitting my head hard. When I came to, the manager of the store was sitting beside me telling me not to move, that he had called 911.

At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and asked, “What was that?

I said "My pager, I am 911."

At the psychiatrist’s
Doctor : Now, what can I do to help you?
Patient : I’m very worried, doctor.
Doctor : I see. What’s your problem?
Patient : I haven’t got one.
Doctor : Pardon?
Patient : I haven’t got a problem. I’m very worried.
Doctor : I don’t understand.
Patient : Well … I’ve got a good job, I’m very well paid, and have
a wonderful home and family.
Doctor : I see.
Patient : All my friends have problems.
Doctor : And you haven’t got one.
Patient : That’s right.
Doctor : Well, I think I can help you.
(He writes something on a piece of paper)
Here, take this.
Patient : What is it?
Doctor : It’s my bill
Patient : Wait a minute! It’s a thousand pounds! I can’t pay that!
Doctor : Good! Now you HAVE a problem!

"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"

"I used two fingers."

"What for?"

Sue Bee

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning
test. The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times
three?"

"297," was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc.

The doctor says to the lady, "It's your turn now. What is three
times three?"

"Friday," replies the second lady. "Ummm humm..."

Then the doc says to the third, "Okay, mam, your turn. What's
three times three?"

"Nine," says she. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how
did you get that?"

"Simple," she says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Well pull yourself together then

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m invisible
Who said that?

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm.Let's hope nothing develops.

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

Doctor, Doctor I’ve lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me -
I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head.
Then you'll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!

Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!