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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2005 05:05 PM                        Rated X "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" " Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink."Come to me three times a week,and I'll cure your fears. "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street."Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2005 10:28 AM                        Rated G Betsy A group of dentists decided to open a new practice, but as competition in their area was fierce they wanted the new business to be unique. They set up shop aboard a boat and offered river crossings as a bonus. Their practice was soon known as "The Tooth Ferry."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2005 09:27 AM                        Rated G Lorraine When I entered a teaching hospital for eye surgery, I expected the operation to be done under a general anesthetic. But the ophthalmologist informed me that he preferred to use a local anesthetic. I was given a light sedative, so I was aware of each step of the procedure. In my state of euphoria, I must have missed some of the operating- room commentary, because what I had heard was the doctor when he said, "Never say 'oops' during a local!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2005 11:53 AM                        Rated G Quirk Become an amateur gynecologist. Look up a friend today!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2005 11:35 AM                        Rated G Michele Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by 10%." The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20%." Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2005 11:36 AM                        Rated PG Michele Doctors say erectile dysfunction could be a sign of impending heart problems. Or maybe that your girlfriend is just ugly.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2005 10:09 AM                        Rated G Michele Mr. Johnson had been waiting entirely too long at the doctor's office. His appointment was for 9:00 and it was nearly 10:30. Finally, an attractive nurse appeared at the waiting room door and said, "Let's go get a room." "Honey, I appreciate the offer," he said, "but I've been waiting so long I'd hate to lose my spot now!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2005 11:39 AM                        Rated G A man stubbed his toe so badly he decided to go to the doctor. When he arrived at the office, the nurse directed him to remove his clothes and wait in the next room. "I just hurt my toe," complained the man. "Why do I need to take off my clothes?" "Everyone who sees the doctor has to undress," explained the nurse politely. "It's our policy." "Well, I think it's a stupid policy! Making me undress just to look at my toe! Geeez!" From the next room another man's voice piped up. . . "That's nothing! I just came here to fix the telephone!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2005 12:14 PM                        Rated G Michele Jane calls the doctor, freaking out. "Doctor, doctor! My little Jimmy swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I do?" The doctor asked Jane, "Are you sure it was a dozen?" The frantic mother says, "Absolutely! Doctor, I'm scared to death!" The doctor tells the mother, "Calm down. Is little Jimmy crying?" Jane says "No." "Is he sleeping?" asks the doctor. "No." says Jimmy's mom. The doctor goes on with routine questions, "Is his color funny?" Again Jane says "No." "Did Jimmy throw up?" asks the methodical doctor. "No." says the worried mom. "But I'm so scared. All that aspirin... shouldn't I do something?" To which the doctor says, "Try giving him a headache."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2005 01:33 PM                        Rated G The young lady walked over to the room where she knew her friend was. "May I see Irving, please?" she asked the woman blocking the door. "We don't allow anyone but relatives to see the patients," replied the woman. "Are you a member of the family?" "Why-er-why, yes. I'm his sister," said the lady. "Oh, I'm so glad to meet you," said the woman. "I'm his mother!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2005 09:40 AM                        Rated G Dennis "Did you know that hospital gowns come in three sizes? "Short, shorter, and don't bend over!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2005 10:03 AM                        Rated G Michele A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened. He said, "I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear..." "But how the heck did you burn the other ear?" The doctor asked. "How do you think I called you people?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2005 12:49 PM                        Rated G Michele When I was on duty in the maternity ward, one of my patients was a woman who was having her first child. Because of her medical situation, she had to undergo a cesarean procedure. After the operation, I handed her the newborn child and declared, "Congratulations! You have a healthy baby boy!" Still a little groggy from the anesthesia,she responded, "That's great. What's his name?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 02:11 PM                        Rated G Andrew "The doctor was certainly right when he said jogging would add years to my life. I feel ten years older already."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2005 01:22 PM                        Rated G A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it. "As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."  |  IP: Logged

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