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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-01-2004 11:25 PM                        Rated G Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'" [ 10-13-2004, 09:14 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-01-2004 11:26 PM                        Rated G Neurotics build castles in the sky. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists collect the rent.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2004 01:58 PM                        Rated G Michele At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax. One day, he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained. When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?" "Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-13-2004 09:13 AM                        Rated G His wife was in labor with their first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly, she began to shout, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!" Panicked, the husband phoned their doctor and told him what was happening. "Doctor, this is Mr. Smith, and my wife is acting very strangely! She just started calling out 'shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!', over and over again, with an occasional Isn't and Won't! thrown in. What's going on!? Should I be worried? What should I do? Just what is wrong with my wife!" he cried. "Not to worry," said the doctor. "Get her to the hospital, I'll meet you there." "But what is it?" queried the husband. "Nothing out of the ordinary," assured the doctor. "It's perfectly normal and just part of her pregnancy. She's just having contractions, that's all!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2004 02:26 PM                        Rated G A man won a multi-million dollar settlement after his penile surgery was botched and he was left with a three day erection. After winning, the man said, "This is the 4th happiest day of my life."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2004 11:29 AM                        Rated G A surgical patient was given the usual postoperative instruct- ions. That night she called, wanting to know if her mother could visit. "Any time," the doctor replied. "Why do you ask?" "It says here in your instructions, 'no relations until after your post-op checkup.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2004 09:29 AM                        Rated G Michele A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "That sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Humm," the doctor murmured, "that obvious, huh?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2004 09:45 AM                        Rated G A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?" The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2004 09:57 AM                        Rated G LORRAINE MOM GIVEN WRONG BABY FOR BREAST-FEEDING: A hospital worker has been sacked in Massachusetts for giving a newborn baby to the wrong mother for breast-feeding. Officials at Winchester Hospital, near Boston, said the mistake was ''terrible" and ''unacceptable", reports the Boston Globe. The sister-in-law of the woman said the child she was given nursed with far greater vigour and appeared to have longer hair than her son. The woman alerted a hospital nurse, the sister-in-law said. ''The nurse took the baby from her arms, looked at the tags and said: "Oops, this isn't the right baby", " she added. Hospital spokesman Mark Whitney said doctors did not anticipate any health problems for either the baby or the woman. ''It's a terrible thing for both of the families involved," Whitney said. ''I don't think we can apologise enough to the families involved. "What we can do is rededicate ourselves to making sure this kind of thing can't and doesn't happen again." Winchester administrators have launched an investigation.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2004 09:35 AM                        Rated G Patient: It's been a month since my last visit and I still feel miserable. Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you? Patient: I did just what it said on the bottle: "Keep tightly closed."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-22-2004 12:08 PM                        Rated G Doctors are prescribing Prozac for women with severe PMS. Not in pill form though. The husband shoots it into her from fifty feet away with a dart gun.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-22-2004 12:14 PM                        Rated G Volunteering at the Red Cross Blood Services blood-donor clinics,one of my duties is to escort clients from their cot, after they’ve given blood, to a table where their record cards are stamped with the date and time of the donation. One man, after he had received a pin for his 35th donation, said he had been told that after 150, the donor receives a car. Another volunteer standing nearby observed: "Yes. It’s called a hearse."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2005 10:43 AM                        Rated G B.B. Benny, the psychiatrist, got a postcard one morning from one of his patients. It read, "Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here so you could tell me why."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2005 10:50 AM                        Rated G Nurse Betty The following are actual medical records [supposedly] taken from patients' actual medical charts. * The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. * Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. * Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. * She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. * The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. * I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. * The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. * Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. * She is numb from her toes down. * While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. * The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. * The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead. * Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. * Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress. * Patient was alert and unresponsive. * When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2005 10:03 AM                        Rated G Michele I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, 'Did you know it's time for your annual check-up?' No. But now my postman does.  |  IP: Logged

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