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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 08:54 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet, my sister Betty rushed him to the emergency room. "He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two." "How will I be sure?" she pressed. "Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-21-2006 08:40 AM                        Rated G Lorraine I was at the hospital's emergency room for a sports-related injury, and in answer to a question on the form I was given, I replied that I had a serious allergy. The nurse put a plastic band on my wrist, and I sat down in the crowded waiting room. The lady seated next to me glanced at my wrist, shock registering on her face, and then quickly moved away from me. Surprised, I looked at the band for the first time. It read "Nuts."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-21-2006 08:48 AM                        Rated G Lorraine During one of his house calls, my father, a geriatrician, was examining an elderly patient. To determine her awareness, he asked her what day of the week it was. "Wednesday," she promptly answered. Gently my father corrected, "No, dear, it's Tuesday." Dad's colleague leaned over to him and whispered: "Dr. Adams, she's right. It is Wednesday."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-21-2006 12:35 PM                        Rated G The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. Many victims contracted it in 2006, after having been screwed for the past six years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2006 08:06 AM                        Rated G Lorraine I'm a mature student in a nursing program. The elderly woman I was assigned to care for slowly sized me up as I went about my chores. Finally she asked, "How long has it taken you to get through this nursing course?" I realized immediately her concern and reassured her I was completing it in the assigned time. "Good, because if it was taking you 20-odd years, I was going to ask for another nurse."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2006 08:14 AM                        Rated G As an ambulance officer, I often have to listen to people involved in car accidents blame the other driver. The gentleman in the passenger seat at one accident was particularly irate. "He just drove right through the stop sign! I can't believe he didn't even slow down!" The man was unhurt, so I asked him to sign a form releasing my partner and me from the scene. A hand reached over from the driver's side. "Oh, let me do that," said his wife. "He's blind."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2006 08:20 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The hospital where I was a psychiatric nurse added our photographs to the identification tags we wore. A consequence of this was that many of us had stopped introducing ourselves, assuming the ID tag did it for us. So when I approached the receptionist in another department one day, I simply fingered my ID tag and said, "I'm a tad early for my appointment." She indicated I should take a seat and then announced to her boss over the intercom, "There's a Mr. Tad Early here to see you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2006 12:37 PM                        Rated G Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-23-2006 03:24 PM                        Rated G Inmates from the maximum-security penitentiary were sometimes treated at the dental office where I worked. One morning I hadn't yet seen the list of patients and the work to be done on them before a convict, handcuffed and shackled, came in with his guard. My curiosity as to why he was serving time got the better of me, and I whispered to the receptionist, "What's he in for?" "Root canal," she whispered back.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 08:16 AM                        Rated G Lorraine My sister had had some tests, and her doctor said he would contact her when he received the diagnosis. A few days later he phoned with the results, and she thanked him. The next day the doctor called again and gave her the same results. She thanked him again and mentioned that he'd phoned the day before. He apologized, saying he was busy and had forgotten. "Don't worry, doctor," my sister said. "It's always nice to get a second opinion."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 08:19 AM                        Rated G Gerry No patient should decide to leave the hospital until he is strong enough to face the cashier.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 09:25 AM                        Rated G ** LITTLE KNOWN ILLNESSES ** AFROPHOBIA Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles (or the Jackson Five). DEJA FLU The feeling that one has had this cold before. HYPOCOINDRIA Fear of not having correct change. HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool. HERPES CINEPLEX Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50. VISACARDITIS The heart-stopping sensation brought on by ex- ceeding your credit limit. ALPOPLEXY Canine feeding disorder. STREISAND-BROLIN SYNDROME Excessive displays of affection. SONSTROKE An attack during the reading of a will. OREOPOROSIS Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2006 08:37 AM                        Rated G B.B. Avoid the Flu (the fun way)...They Say: 1. Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. 2. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. 3. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. 4. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. 5. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. 6. Get plenty of rest. 7. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can. OR ...You can take the doctor's office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs! So... 1. Walk to the liquor store = exercise. 2. Put a lime in your Corona = fruit. 3. Put some celery in your Bloody Mary = veggies. 4. Drink on the bar patio = fresh air. 5. Get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh = eliminate stress. 6. Pass out = rest! The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up, any and all of the flu germs can't get you!!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 07:45 AM                        Rated G Lorraine While the group of doctors I worked for were having their office space renovated, we on the staff continued working. The receptionist often helped the administrator with decorating and final touches. One day they were working on the shower curtain in the doctors' change room when a phone call came in for the administrator. The clerk who answered apologized, saying, "He can't come to the phone right now -- he's in the shower with Melissa."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2006 11:15 AM                        Rated G B.B. Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine." "You should have used the drive-through," she said. "Why?" "Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.  |  IP: Logged

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