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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-20-2007 02:16 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A doctor's advice to young bride regarding the use of the diaphragm: "Use it on every conceivable occasion."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2007 07:06 AM                        Rated G Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!” “Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.” “How much do you charge?” “A hundred dollars per visit.” “I’ll think about it.” Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist. “For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.” “Is that so! How?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2007 05:30 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Giving a man his physical, the doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or some physical sport?" "No," he answered. "I play bridge with my wife."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-25-2007 09:02 AM                        Rated G Lorraine My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football and my father tried to get a free X-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-12-2007 12:33 PM                        Rated PG.... A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist." The proctologist fainted.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2007 05:05 PM                        Rated PG-13 Dave in Aurora, Ont. The first thing Fred says as he sees the doctor is 'Please don't laugh'. 'Of course I won't laugh,'the doctor said. 'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.' 'Okay then,' Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. 'I'm so sorry, 'Said the doctor,'I really am.....I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?' 'It's swollen,' Fred replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2007 08:09 PM                        Rated R Colonoscopies Colonoscopies are no joke ,but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.....A physician claimed that the following are actualcomments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped! miners, Chief?" 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 12. "God, now I know why I am not gay." And the best one of all.. 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2007 06:24 PM                        Rated G Drew A doctor calls a plumber in the middle of the night. "Why are you calling me at this hour?" says the plumber. "Look, it's an emergency." says the doctor. "If it was the other way around you'd expect me to come out, wouldn't you? "Okay," says the plumber. "What's the problem?" "The toilet's broken," says the doctor. The plumber says, "Give it two aspirins and call me again if it's not better in morning."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2008 08:12 PM                        Rated G When I entered the Army medical center on base twenty minutes prior to delivering my baby, I had a hard time convincing the staff that I was definitely in the last stages of labor. We had waited ten minutes in the pre-admittance area when a nurse finally came in and said, "My name is Captain Smith, but you can call me Lisa." "I'm Chaplain Barclay," my husband responded, "but you can call me Kleet." "My name is Holly," I added in frustration, "but in a few minutes you can call me Mom!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2008 02:31 PM                        Rated G Drew Our son, Chris, is a pre-med student and is fortunate to have a job in a research lab where they are studying Lyme disease. Recently, he called home and told us that he had received a promotion. "Great!" I said. "You can always use more money." There was a slight pause before Chris responded. "Well, I didn't exactly get more money." he said. "But they did give me more keys."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2008 02:36 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anaesthetic."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2008 03:01 PM                        Rated G Drew During a lecture for medical students, the professor listed as the two best qualities of a doctor the ability to conquer revulsion and the need for keen powers of observation. He illustrated this by stirring a messy substance with his finger and then licking his finger clean. Then he called a student to the front and made him do the same. Afterward the professor remarked, "You conquered your revulsion, but your powers of observation are not very good. I stirred with my forefinger, but I licked my middle finger."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2008 04:29 PM                        Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: How do I avoid infection from biting insects? ANSWER: That's easy - don't bite them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2008 03:52 PM                        Rated G Lorraine The hospital had called to inform me that my eight-year-old son, Martin, had been hurt in a soccer match. I hurried over and saw that although his head and face were badly cut, he'd be okay. The doctor said he'd have to call in a plastic surgeon. On hearing this, Martin wailed: "I don't want a plastic surgeon! I want a real one!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-06-2008 09:14 AM                        Rated PG Tony in Lyme, CT. The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. Aha!" said the doctor again,and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side,then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied....... "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."  |  IP: Logged

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