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Author
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Topic: Medical
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-18-2006 08:12 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Most Fun To Operate On
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order."
The second surgeon said, "I like to operate on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order."
The third surgeon said, "I lioke to operate on electricians, when you open them up everything is color coded."
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers."
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief> One of them asked why?
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their butt and head are interchangeable." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 01-02-2007 02:14 PM
Rated PG...
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to
work. As a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash
with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a
year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as
you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"
The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more
sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will
then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for
another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.
That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.
He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has
the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 01-21-2007 02:50 PM
Rated PG.....
A woman named Jill stood up during her church's prayer request time one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats as she continued, "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle an have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-25-2007 09:57 AM
Rated G HMO Q&A
Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, 'Hey, Moe!' Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard of "The Three Stoogies " who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan.
But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and that diploma from a small Caribbean Island is very fresh.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? A. No. Only those you need.
Q. What are preexisting conditions? A. This is a term used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with 'pre and now' meaning the same.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions? A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do? A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick? A. You really shouldn't do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office? A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 CO-payment, there is no harm giving him a shot at it.
Q. Will health care be any different in the next century? A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-25-2007 10:02 AM
Rated G B.B.
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-08-2007 08:28 AM
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Two inches should be enough
The testicles of an Alberta midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.
The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side.. Then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his balls were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.
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