my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Medical (Page 48)

This topic comprises 57 pages: 1  2  3  ...  45  46  47  48  49  50  51  ...  55  56  57

Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2006 11:38 AM                        Rated G Lorraine I sprained my ankle and ended up in the local emergency room. After telling the receptionist I was 33, I realized I had inadvertently shaved a year off my age. When I corrected my mistake she gave me a smile, nodded towards the crowded room and remarked, let's hope they get to you before you turn 35! I sprained my ankle and ended up in the local emergency room. After telling the receptionist I was 33, I realized I had inadvertently shaved a year off my age. When I corrected my mistake she gave me a smile, nodded towards the crowded room and remarked, let's hope they get to you before you turn 35!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2006 02:46 PM                        Rated G B.B. A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. "The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax", says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2006 08:58 AM                        Rated G My friend Ada was slowly recovering from a heart attack. "Doctor,"she pleaded with her cardiologist, "you must keep me alive for the next two years. I want to attend my first grandchild's bar mitzvah." "We'll try," he replied compassionately. In due course Ada gratefully attended the festive rite of passage. Some time later she again spoke to her doctor. "My granddaughter is to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend her wedding." "We'll do our best," he replied. And my friend happily attended her granddaughter's wedding. Ten years passed. Ada visited her cardiologist regularly and followed his instructions religiously. One morning she called him. "Doctor," she began, "I'm feeling fine, but I have another request to ask of you: Remember how you saw me through to my grandson's bar mitzvah?" "Yes." "And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter's wedding?" "Yes." "Well, as you know I've just celebrated my 80th birthday. And I just bought myself a new mattress." "Yes?" "It has a 20-year guarantee..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2006 09:05 AM                        Rated G B.B. When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth . . ."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2006 07:59 AM                        Rated G B.B. A psychiatrist who had tired of listening to the assorted troubles and dreams that poured from his consulting couch, rigged up a tape recorder. Explaining to his patients that he could analyze a case better this way, he would turn on the machine, tell the patient to keep talking and quietly slip out for a beer. This worked well for a while, but one day he looked up from his beer to see the patient who was supposed to be upstairs on the couch. "What are you doing here?" asked the doctor. "Well, Doc," said the patient, "I've taped my dreams and stuff for the last couple of days, and now my tape recorder is upstairs talking to your tape recorder."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2006 08:52 AM                        Rated G Colonel Hal MEDICINE When I was young and in my prime, I used OTC all the time. But now older reading medical news, I'ts DPM only now I use (OTC-over the counter, DPM-Doctor prescribed medications)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2006 06:59 AM                        Rated G My doctor told me there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2006 03:20 PM                        Rated G An elderly patient of mine told me she had difficulty recalling the names of the bewildering number of doctors participating in her care. I suggested for my name she remember Remington electric shavers. "Oh, no! Those are much too modern for me!" She exclaimed. "I'll think of Remington typewriters instead." And she said she'd share this memory-trigger device with her husband, who also had trouble remembering my name. Later that day I was passing her room with a group of medical students and saw her husband. When he called me, I stopped. One of the students looked at me curiously. "How did you know he wanted to talk to you?" He asked. "He was calling for Dr. Underwood."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2006 02:56 PM                        Rated G Betsy A fool and his money are soon parted. However, if you go to a doctor, it's surgically removed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2006 03:04 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Upon returning from a dinner break to my job at the medical clinic, I asked our receptionist if there were any phone messages. "Yes," she replied. "The psychiatric unit from the hospital called. I told them you were out to lunch."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 08:56 AM                        Rated G A psychiatrist was trying to comfort a new patient who was terribly upset. “You see, Doc,” the patient explained, “my problem is that I like shoes much better than I like boots.” “Why, that’s no problem,” answered the doctor. “Most people like shoes better than boots.” The patient was thrilled, “That’s neat, Doc. How do you like them, fried or scrambled?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 04:49 PM                        Rated G Cece Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent." The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average response time by 20 percent." Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2006 08:05 AM                        Rated G Lulu The teenage boy seemed placid as I approached his hospital bed to give him a psychiatric evaluation. His mother was seated nearby, immersed in her knitting. I walked over and introduced myself to the boy. He looked right through me and started screaming: "I can't see! I can't see!" I had never witnessed such a dramatic example of hysterical blindness. "How long has this been going on?" I asked his mother. Without looking up she replied, "Ever since you stepped in front of his television."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-28-2006 07:52 AM                        Rated G Andrew A guy goes to his psychiatrist and says, "Doc, I have a three-way personality. I think one thing, say another and then forget what I said." The psychiatrist says, "Excuse me, but what office did you say you're running for?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 08:00 AM                        Rated G "Again, the Doctor says, he's very sorry and that Tonsillectomy and Vesectomy do tend to sound very similar.  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 57 pages: 1  2  3  ...  45  46  47  48  49  50  51  ...  55  56  57

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.