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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2007 12:01 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Little Freddie became ill and was taken to the hospital. It was his first time away from home and he began to cry. "What's the matter, Freddie?" asked the nurse. "Are you homesick?" "No," sobbed Freddie. "I'm HERE sick."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2007 05:13 PM                        Rated G Betsy A college professor called on a pharmacist. "Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid." "Do you mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That's it. I can never remember that name!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2007 02:26 PM                        Rated G Bruce When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man who had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed that he once had thought more than a friendship might be possible. "What changed your mind?" I asked him. "I went to my doctor and asked him if a 40-year age difference between a man and a woman was insurmountable." "He looked at my chart and asked, 'You're interested in someone who's 104?'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2007 11:20 AM                        Rated G Lorraine After a long-overdue checkup, my dentist sat down with me to go over all the work I would need on my mouth. Her total estimate was $9,200. I gasped. "For that kind of money, I could get a tummy tuck and silicone implants." "But what about your smile?" she asked. "If I had all that done," I told her, "I guarantee no one would be looking at my teeth."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2007 12:14 PM                        Rated G Betsy Labour pains had started. The anxious father-to-be called the doctor and told him. The doctor said, "How far apart are the pains?" The father-to-be replied, "I'm not absolutely sure, but I think they're in the same place."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-20-2007 12:17 PM                        Rated G B.B. An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it." "Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much of a sex life?" "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been." The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." "O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2007 03:07 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Knowing all surgical procedures carry risks, I thought it prudent to write a few farewell letters to my loved ones prior to my operation. I left the envelopes prominently displayed on the night table in my hospital room. Surgery went well, but I spent the night in a different room. By the morning my belongings had been transferred to my new room, except for my "farewells." Fortunately, before I did anything, a nurse came bustling in, my envelopes in her hand. "What would you like me to do with these farewell notes...that’s what they are?" A trifle embarrassed, I told her I intended to tear them up and throw them out. "Oh, no, don’t do that," she advised. "Keep them. They’ll come in handy next time."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-03-2007 05:11 PM                        Rated G 10 Finkers Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do." Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers." "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2007 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?" Ole says......."How da fuck vas I suppose to pick dem up?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-17-2007 11:03 AM                        Rated G Lorraine An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination," said the young girl. "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off." "No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here." "Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-10-2007 05:29 PM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-01-2007 08:32 PM                        Rated PG 13 Ed in Aurora, Ont. A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room , waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? "Breast-fed,"she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-02-2007 03:50 PM                        Rated X Lori in CT. Ed Zachary Disease: A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vrewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary rike your ass."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-07-2007 03:00 PM                        Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more ve getables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming"WOO HOO, What a Ride" AND...... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink whatever you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-22-2007 07:15 PM                        Rated G B.B. When I started practice, twins were uncommon and triplets quite rare. Today, with the advent of fertility drugs, even quadruplets are becoming common, several sets born annually in any major American city. This has resulted in a common occurrence that when one starts howling, the others will join in until you have a cacophony of screams. Many an exasperated and fatigued father will awaken his wife in the middle of the night with this statement: "Four crying out loud."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-22-2007 07:34 PM                        Rated G Marty When my wife sent our bills to the insurance company she accidentally enclosed a veterinary bill for our dog, Duster. The vet's statement was returned with this note: "Sorry, Duster. You're barking up the wrong tree."  |  IP: Logged

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