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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2003 10:48 PM                        Rated G Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable. Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you? Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2003 10:57 PM                        Rated G I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While the technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have dextrocardia. "What's that?" she asked. "It means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather than on the left," I answered. "You should set up your machine to accommodate that." As she attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me, have you had that for long?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-28-2003 04:47 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it." As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."  |  IP: Logged Daryl C. W. O'Shea Film God Posts: 3977 From: Midland Ontario Canada (where Panavision & IMAX lenses come from) Registered: Jun 2002 posted 03-10-2003 12:31 PM                        Rating: US: R Canada: G A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2003 04:02 PM                        Rated G Harry in Port-au-Prince A man walks into a restaurant and explains to the manager that he's from the mental hospital up the street. He says he would like to bring a group of the better-adjusted patients in for a meal, as part of their socialization process. The manager says that would be fine, he's always glad to support the local community. "Fine", says the visitor, "but one other thing. We don't allow the patients to have money, so they all carry bottle caps. They will offer these for payment, just take them and I'll settle with you afterwards". The manager agrees, and they set a date. The patients come in, order, enjoy their meal, are extremely polite to the wait staff, and when they leave, thank the manager and give him large handfuls of bottle caps. The manager tells the man from the hospital how pleased he is, and presents him the bill. He looks at it and says "That's a little more than I expected, you got change for a manhole cover?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2003 05:14 PM                        Rated G ........ Linda Crazy Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmate has been watching the whole thing. “Hey, pal! Why don’t you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That’ll hold your tires until you can get to a garage or something.” Jones is startled by the patient’s seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. “You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in here?” The patient smiles and says : “I’m in here because I’m crazy, not because I’m stupid.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2003 11:07 AM                        Rated G Nancy in Buffalo Q: How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine? A: It's the one with bite marks on the cap.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2003 08:03 AM                        Rated G After their baby was born,the panicked Jewish father went to see their obstetrician,Dr. Cohen. "Doctor,"Mr.Spiegel said,"I don't mind telling you,but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense,"the doctor said."Even though you and your wife both have black hair,one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible,"the man insisted."This can't be,our families on both sides had jet black hair for generations." "Well,"said the doctor,"let me ask you this.How often do you have sex?" Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed."I've been working very hard for the past year.We only made love once or twice every few months" "There you have it!"the doctor Cohen said confidently."It's just rust."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2003 12:41 PM                        Rated R I walked into my doctor's office this week.The doc asked me why I was there.I replied,"It's my penis, Doc.I want you to take a look at it." So, the doctor said,"Ok, get up on the bed and get it out. I'll have a look at it for you." I got up on the bed and whipped out a twelve incher.The doc examined it for a few moments,then bemusedly said,"I gotta tell you,I don't see anything wrong with it." I replied,"Yeah,I know.It's a freaking beauty, ain't it?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 02:57 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech. Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can't read his notes. So he asks, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2003 01:09 PM                        Rated G This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, "What does this remind you of?" The guy replied, "A naked woman." Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, "A naked woman on a bed." This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot. The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, "You are a sick pervert." The guy replied,"I'm not the pervert here. You're the one who keeps showing me all those dirty pictures."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 05:12 PM                        Rated G pianolady When his auto mechanic came in for an operation, Dr. Grimley couldn't help but take the opportunity to turn the tables on him. "Well Frank," said the doctor, "It's going to take at least five days for the parts to get in. As for the cost, there's no way to tell until we get in there and see exactly what the problem is."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 09:10 PM                        Rated G The naive miss was seated in her doctor's office. "Our tests indicate that you are pregnant," said the M.D., "and there is every indication that you are going to have twins." "But how can that be, doctor?" the girl protested. "I've never been out on a double-date in my life."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2003 08:33 AM                        Rated R Michele Interesting Analogy ------------------- A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant. The doctor says, "Sherry, I know that you are not married. Do you know who the father of this baby is?" Sherry thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of 'Baked Beans', would you know exactly which bean made you fart?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-28-2003 10:16 AM                        Rated G As the dentist examined Butch's teeth, Butch heard him say, "My goodness, that's the biggest cavity I've ever seen! My goodness, that's the biggest cavity I've ever seen! Annoyed, Butch said, "I heard you the first time, Doc. You don't have to repeat yourself!" "I didn't," replied the dentist. "That was an echo."  |  IP: Logged

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