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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2005 02:52 PM                        Rated G Nurse: Dr. The invisible man is in the waiting room. Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2005 03:12 PM                        Rated G This is making the rounds here... Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrence in the Obstetrics department: a child was born with both male and female organs. A penis and a brain.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2005 03:40 PM                        Rated G Knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra! 3% Vitamin E 2% Aspirin 2% Ibuprofen 1% Vitamin C 5% Spray Starch 87% Fix-A-Flat  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2005 10:51 AM                        Rated G Under the heading "Office Anecdote" comes the following: While trying to track down the cause of a recurrent vaginitis in a young woman, I asked her whether her partner was circumcised. My query drew only a blank look. I rephrased the question in what I felt was a clever and tactful manner : "When he doesn't have an erection, can you see the head of his penis, or is it covered by folds of skin?" Her unabashed and matter-of-fact response : "I've never seen him without an erection." I felt rather "obsolete" the rest of the day.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-20-2005 02:57 PM                        Rated G HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2005 10:52 AM                        Rated G A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear. In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-27-2005 12:54 PM                        Rated G Doctor: "Ask the accident victim his name so we can notify his family." Nurse: "I did! He said his family already knows his name."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 09-28-2005 06:06 PM                        Rated a mild PG A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace the retiring country doctor. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How did you arrive at your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just as you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I saw the preacher under the bed."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-08-2005 10:13 AM                        Rated G DERMATOLOGIST: A person who makes rash judgments.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-11-2005 07:45 AM                        Rated G Lorraine On a particularly hectic day, my brother, an X-ray technician at a busy hospital, instructed a patient to go into the change room and put on a gown from the stack folded on the bench. When the patient didn't come out, Jim knocked on the door. "Are you okay, sir?" "None of these gowns fit!" the man complained. "It doesn't need to fit perfectly, sir. It's just to cover you while we take the X ray." "But I can't even put it on!" came the indignant reply. Jim opened the door to help the patient and discovered the stack on the bench was freshly laundered pillowcases.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-15-2005 02:14 PM                        Rated G Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go. Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again. Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good. Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again. So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." No way. "Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope. "Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-17-2005 12:47 PM                        Rated G A man recovering from surgery felt hungry and asked his nurse for some food. She explained that his doctor's orders called for a liquid diet, in other words, nothing you can't see through. He thought for a moment, then said, "Okay! Then have them send me a doughnut."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-19-2005 02:56 PM                        Rated G B.B. Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: $100.00. Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work? Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 05:12 PM                        Rated G A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth." Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." Man: "Yes, I know." Dentist: "So why did you come in here?" Man: "The light was on..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2005 07:04 AM                        Rated G A "yes" answer to any three of the following seven questions could mean that you have "Hyper-Cerebral Electrosisor"...an electrical imbalance in the brain that causes your head to explode: 1. Does your head sometimes ache when you think too hard? (Head pain can indicate overloaded brain circuits.) 2. Do you ever hear a faint ringing or humming sound in your ears? (It could be the sound of electricity in the skull cavity.) 3. Do you sometimes find yourself unable to get a thought out of your head? (This is a possible sign of too much electrical activity in the cerebral cortex.) 4. Do you spend more than five hours a day reading, balancing your checkbook, or other thoughtful activity? (A common symptom of HCE is a tendency to over-use the brain.) 5. When you get angry or frustrated do you feel pressure in your temples? (Friends of people who died of HCE say the victims complained of head pressure in times of strong emotion.) 6. Do you ever overeat on ice cream, doughnuts and other sweets? (A craving for sugar is typical of people with too much electrical pressure in the cranium.) 7. Do you tend to analyze yourself too much? (Sufferers are often introspective, "over-thinking" their lives.)  |  IP: Logged

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