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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2005 09:17 PM                        Rated G The Joker If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left-handed people are in their right mind.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2005 07:05 AM                        Rated G Hospitals now even have outpatient surgery. You come in and have your surgery and go home the same day. They're finding out you get cured faster when you don't have to eat hospital food.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 12:02 PM                        Rated G A man had his first appointment with a psychiatrist and when asked why he was there, the man said, "Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking in." "Well," responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few basic facts first. What do you do for a living?" The patient said, "I'm a window washer."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 12:38 PM                        Rated G Friends seem to be like aspirin: we don't really know why they make a sick person feel better, but they do.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 12:48 PM                        Rated G Medical School Application Answers Question: Define The Following Terms Antibody: Against everyone. Artery: The study of fine paintings. Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria. Benign: What you've been after eight. Cardiology: Advance study of poker playing. Cat Scan: Searching for lost kitty. Chronic: Neck of a crow. Coma: Punctuation mark. Cyst: Short of sister. Diagnosis: Person with slanted nose. Dislocation: In this place. Duodenum: Couple in jeans. Enema: Not a friend. False Labor: Pretending to work. Gallbladder: Bladder in a girl. Hernia: She is close by. Labor Pain: Hurt at work. Lactose: Person without digits on feet. Lymph: Walk unsteadily. Menopause: I no wait. Microbes: Small dressing gowns. Obesity: City of Obe. Pacemaker: Winner of Nobel Peace Prize. Protein: In favor of teens. Pus: Small cat. Red Blood Count: Dracula. Rupture: Ecstasy. Secretion: Hiding anything. Serum: A sailor's drink. Subcutaneous: Not cute enough. Tablet: Small table.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-07-2005 11:33 AM                        Rated X Denny in Yonkers, NY WARNING: NOT FOR YOUNG EYE'S OR WEAK STOMACH'S Mr. Jones Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital.They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident.He rushes to the hospital,runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr.Smith is handling the case.They page the doctor.He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued,"you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails. The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly." Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-07-2005 11:52 AM                        Rated G Dr. Dress During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally unpresentable medical student. In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats. The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance." Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER to suture a minor laceration. I was stitching away -- wearing a tuxedo -- when I encountered that same medical resident. He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-08-2005 10:43 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers Doctor's Funeral A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy,and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm a gynecologist."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-08-2005 11:39 AM                        Rated G A remedy for the common cold suggested by Dr. Richard Gordon, from the "Atlantic Monthly": At the first sign of a cold, go to bed with a bottle of whiskey and a hat. Place the hat on the left-hand bedpost. Take a drink of whiskey and move the hat to the right-hand bedpost. Take another drink and shift the hat back again. Continue this until you drink the whiskey but fail to move the hat. By then, the cold is probably cured.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-08-2005 11:42 AM                        Rated G Bruce Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?" "No. I play bridge with my wife."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2005 10:16 AM                        Rated G One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah, and they're in favor 17 to 2."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2005 10:23 AM                        Rated G My sister and I, visiting our uncle in hospital, had brought along a treat for him. Because we weren't sure if he was on a restricted diet, we asked at the nursing station and were told it was alright to give him the brownies. As we turned to leave, an orderly held up his hand to stop us. "I'm here," he advised, "for quality control."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2005 11:28 AM                        Rated G Flu Season, that is, here’s some tips. These tips went around last year, but I wanted to remind you again for this year!!! How To Avoid The Flu.... Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can. Get plenty of rest. OR Take the doctor's approach. Think about it... When you go for a shot, what do they do first? They Clean your arm with alcohol... Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS. So....... I walk to the liquor store. (exercise) I put lime in my Corona...(fruit) Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies) Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air) Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress) Then pass out. (rest) The way I see it... If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you! My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!" Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2005 04:34 PM                        Rated R A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,"Well, now. That's different.You didn't tell me you had a prescription."  |  IP: Logged Chad Souder Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 962 From: Waterloo, IA, USA Registered: Feb 2000 posted 11-13-2005 09:18 AM                     Rated R Three pregnant women sat waiting for routine check-ups at the OB-GYN. All three were knitting sweaters for their babies-to-be. After a few minuets, the first expecting mother reached into her purse and pulled out a pill which she then took. "What was that pill you just took?" the second woman asked. "Vitamin C." the woman proudly declared. "I want my baby to be healthy when it's born." The women continued knitting and a few minutes later, the second mother reached into her purse and removed a pill which she then took. "What pill did you just take?" the third woman asked. "Iron. I want my baby to grow up strong and athletic." she replied. The women went back to knitting, but after a few minutes the third woman grew frustrated and upset. She ripped open her purse and jammed her hand in to retrieve a pill. She took the pill quickly and continued to look frustrated. "Now, what did you just take, dear?" the first woman asked. "Thalidomide!" the third woman responded. "I just can't seem to get these sleeves right!"  |  IP: Logged

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