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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2005 07:42 PM                        Rated G Today,” said the professor, “I will be lecturing about the intestines and the liver.” Up in the gallery, one med student leaned toward the other, “Damn, if there is one thing I hate it’s an organ recital.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2005 08:12 AM                        Rated G A boy with a bad cold was taken to the doctor by his mother. After examining him, the doctor said, "I can treat his symptoms, but there is not much else I can do. He has a virus." After they left the doctor's office the boy said to his mother, "That doctor sure is dumb. He thinks I'm a computer.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2005 08:54 AM                        Rated G My Mom, a nurse, was having an insane evening in the emergency room. First, a woman who had delivered her baby in a car was rushed in. Next was a man carrying a lifeless body yelling, "Help me!" In the middle of all this, a patient escaped from the psychiatric ward, tore off her clothes, and went running through the halls naked. During a lull, Mom called home."You wouldn't believe the night I'm having she said to my dad."Can't talk now, he interrupted. "I'm watching ER."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-19-2005 08:23 AM                        Rated G I got my first job as a graduate nurse in a rural hospital and I was eager to apply all my new knowledge and skills. One day I was sent to check the fetal heart rate of one of our patients. I entered the room, saw the young couple and remembered that I was to involve the patient's family when providing care. After explaining my task, I asked the husband if he'd like to listen to the baby's heartbeat, too. They both seemed uncomfortable as I looked from one blushing face to the other. "I'm not her husband!" the young man sputtered. "I'm the minister."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2005 07:03 AM                        Rated G On the job as a dental receptionist, I answered the phone and noticed on the caller-ID screen that the incoming call was from an auto repair shop. The man on the line begged to see the dentist because of a painful tooth. "Which side of your mouth hurts?" I asked the patient. He sighed and answered, "The passenger side."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2005 12:58 PM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Psychiatrist: Why have you come to see me? Patient: Oh, my family sent me here. They think I'm nuts because I love shoes. Psychiatrist: How petty of them. Why, I myself am very fond of good shoes. Patient: You are? Do you like them boiled or lightly breaded?  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-20-2005 05:05 PM                        Rated PG... The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. Aching in the joints 6. An irresistible urge to poop on someone's windshield.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2005 07:10 AM                        Rated G sonata "I'm afraid you only have three weeks to live," the doctor told his patient. The patient replied, "Then I'll take the last two weeks in July and the week between Christmas and New Year."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-22-2005 01:08 PM                        Rated G Betsy A man had a horrible accident, stayed in a coma for months, and nearly died. When he came out of the coma and began to take solid foods, the nurse came in to see how the man was feeling. "That was a pretty close call you had," the nurse said. "Your strong will pulled you through." "Well," the man said, "could you remind the hospital of that before they send me a bill?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2005 12:40 PM                        Rated G Betsy A quiet new nurse was starting her first evening in a tight-knit ER. The other nurses were concerned that she might not share in the workplace banter they had developed. Their fears were soon relieved. One night, one of the nurses observed this new nurse sitting alone at the nurse's station. " Are you the only fool here?" the veteran asked. "Not now," replied the newbie, with no hesitation at all.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2005 12:45 PM                        Rated G "The Energy Department's Argon National Lab has determined that Beethoven died from lead poisoning. Now when did he die, 1827? And you thought you had to wait a long time for your lab results. Apparently, Beethoven was one of the first members of an HMO plan." --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2005 12:57 PM                        Rated G The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from one pediatrician's office included the line item "behavior modification reinforcers." Fearing that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the pediatrician's office to inquire, "What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?" "Lollipops," was the reply.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-25-2005 08:26 PM                        Rated G Dr. Seymour Hiney Mental Asylum Admissions Test It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental institution, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2006 07:10 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti "Excuse me, could you tell me the fastest way to get to the hospital?" "Stand in traffic."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2006 06:52 AM                        Rated G :)Quirk "A Missouri woman was taken to the hospital after swallowing a cell phone. The good news is, it was a camera phone and they were able to do a colonoscopy."  |  IP: Logged

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