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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 10:14 AM                        Rated G For over 30 years Bill had worked in construction in New York City. Those many years working around loud machinery had taken its toll on Bill's body and he began to fear that he was losing his hearing... So Bill went to the doctor and told him the problem. He explained to the doctor that things had gotten so bad that he could not even so much as hear himself fart. The doctor examined Tony and then pulled out a needle and gave him a shot. Bill asked, "Will these help me to hear better?" The doctor replied, "No it won’t. But it will make you fart louder."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 11:35 AM                        Rated G ASPIRIN OVERDOSE Jane calls the doctor,freaking out."Doctor, doctor! My little Jimmy swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I do?" The doctor asked Jane, "Are you sure it was a dozen?" The frantic mother says, "Absolutely! Doctor, I'm scared to death!" The doctor tells the mother, "Calm down. Is little Jimmy crying?" Jane says "No." "Is he sleeping?" asks the doctor. "No." says Jimmy's mom. The doctor goes on with routine questions, "Is his color funny?" Again Jane says "No." "Did Jimmy throw up?" asks the methodical doctor. "No." says the worried mom. "But I'm so scared. All that aspirin... shouldn't I do something?" To which the doctor says, "Try giving him a headache."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 03:14 PM                        Rated G Nurses A particularly difficult patient awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closes?" he asked. "Is it night?" A nurse replied, No, but there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up thinking the operation was unsuccessful."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 03:19 PM                        Rated G ...........NURSES How many managed care reviewers does it take to change a light bulb? Five:The first to receive authorization forms and put them on the bottom of the pile, the second to put the pile in the storage closet, the third to refuse to authorize the light bulb change because the forms were never processed, the fourth to process the resubmitted authorization forms, and the fifth to authorize a forty watt bulb because a lower wattage bulb will use less electricity.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 03:48 PM                        Rated G "Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined." --anonymous  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2003 07:58 AM                        Rated G ) NURSES What is the difference between God and a doctor? God doesn't think he's a doctor.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 10:37 AM                        Rated PG Viagra vs Marijuana" Two Viagra pills walk into a bar and sit next to two Marijuana plants. The marijuana plants are lamenting about being illegal. The Viagra pills scoff at them. One Marijuana plant turns to the Viagra pills and asks, "Don't you think we should be legal?" "No," said the Viagra pills, "We are hard on drugs." [ 02-07-2006, 08:24 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 10:40 AM                        Rated G Bring this one with you next time your Doc makes you wait three hours to get in to see him : • Number of physicians in the U.S. : 700,000 • Accidental deaths caused by physicians every year: 120,000 • Accidental deaths per physician 0.171 • Number of gun owners in the U.S. 80,000,000 • Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups): 1,500 • Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188 • Therefore, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. -- 1999, Benton County News Tribune  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 11:40 AM                        Rated G NURSES The healthy, strong individual is the one who asks for help when he needs it. Whether he has an abscess on his knees or in his soul. --Rona Barrett  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 02:28 PM                        Rated G "Doctor,can you help me?Every time I sit down I see visions of Mickey Mouse and Pluto,and then when stand up I see Donald Duck!" "I see.Tell me,how long have you been suffering these DISNEY spells?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 02:55 PM                        Rated G Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health Mrs.Davis.Your pulse is as steady and regular as clockwork. Mrs.Davis:That's because you've got your hand on my watch.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2003 04:22 PM                        Rated G NURSES It's hard to live with a nurse because..... When you forget to flush the toilet,you get a complete analysis with a plan on how to correct any noted problems.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2003 07:31 AM                        Rated R A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant. The woman,concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend.What if her body rejects the organ?" The doctor replied "Well,she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart.How long has she been in the business?" The patient's friend replied "She's been working since she was 18 years old,but what's that got to do with anything?" "Well,"said the doctor,"if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ,I don't think she's about to start now!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2003 01:08 PM                        Rated G TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR'RE A BAD SURGEON GENERAL 10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your sleeve 9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of rum. 8. Morning, noon and night you wander around in a hospital gown 7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator 6. You thought Chicago Hope was going to be a hit. 5. Your medical degree is from a correspondence school 4. Instead of flu vaccine you recommend "flu-proof socks" 3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy. 2. You spend the entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school 1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima. --David Letterman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2003 07:46 PM                        Rated G Witty Things To Say During A Colonoscopy "Take it easy, Doc -- you're boldly going where no man has gone before." "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?" "You know, in some states, we're now legally married." "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey..." "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!" "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" "Deflector shields: Down!"  |  IP: Logged

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