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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2005 01:24 PM                        Rated G The ammunition compound at Fort Dix, N.J., was enclosed by a high wire fence. Grass had grown high against it, creating a fire hazard. The sergeant major was informed,and he phoned maintenance. Several days and many phone calls later, maintenance still hadn't cut the grass, so the sergeant major sent them a photo to show how high it was. Two days later maintenance replied: They sent him a photo of a lawn mower.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2005 01:55 PM                        Rated G Chris Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious." "No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing." "True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2005 10:02 AM                        Rated G Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. "Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?" "Naturally," she answered, "I take a crossword book."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2005 10:28 AM                        Rated G My sister and I, visiting our uncle in the hospital, had brought along a treat for him. Because we weren't sure if he was on a restricted diet, we asked at the nursing station and were told it was alright to give him the brownies. As we turned to leave, an orderly held up his hand to stop us. "I'm here," he advised, "for quality control!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2005 10:29 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The hospital where I was a psychiatric nurse added our photographs to the identification tags we wore. A consequence of this was that many of us had stopped introducing ourselves, assuming the ID tag did it for us. So when I approached the receptionist in another department one day, I simply fingered my ID tag and said, "I'm a tad early for my appointment." She indicated I should take a seat and then announced to her boss over the intercom, "There's a Mr. Tad Early here to see you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 09:59 AM                        Rated G Michele A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and exclaimed, "Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit." After talking to the patient at some length, the psychiatrist said, "You do appear to have a problem. I'd like to see you again next Wednesday." After a second session of psychotherapy, the psychiatrist pronounced his patient completely cured. For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man wouldn't pay and refused to acknowledge the debt. Finally, the psychiatrist took the man to court and had him repossessed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2005 11:11 AM                        Rated R Denny in Yonkers A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS VISITING THE HOSPITAL WHEN, DURING HER TOUR, SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS MASTURBATING. "OH MY GOD!" SCREAMED THE WOMAN. "THAT'S DISGRACEFUL! WHY IS HE DOING THAT?" THE DOCTOR THAT WAS LEADING THE TOUR EXPLAINED, "I AM VERY SORRY... BUT THIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE THE TESTICLES RAPIDLY FILL WITH SEMEN.IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, HE'LL BE IN EXTREME PAIN AND HIS TESTICLES COULD RUPTURE." "OH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED THE WOMAN. IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM THEY COULD SEE THAT A NURSE WAS PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON A DIFFERENT MALE PATIENT. AGAIN THE WOMAN SCREAMED "OH MY GOD! HOW CAN THAT BE JUSTIFIED?" THE DOCTOR REPLIED... SAME ILLNESS, BETTER HEALTH PLAN  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2005 12:15 PM                        Rated G Harry My wife, a nurse, was chatting with a doctor and mentioned the broken collarbone one of our children had suffered. The doctor asked if she had other children. Yes, she replied, 8 others. "Oh, my," he said, "how do you manage to work?" "I don't," she said. "I work to manage."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2005 12:28 PM                        Rated G BRUCE While giving a man his physical, the doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any really physical sports?" "Not at all," said the man. "I just play bridge with my wife."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2005 04:52 PM                        Rated G A middle-aged man, bent over at the waist, was helped into the doctor's office by his wife. A curious woman patient asked, "I suppose it's arthritis with complications." "No" replied the wife, "it's do-it-yourself with concrete blocks."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2005 05:23 PM                        Rated G Maurice: Doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of discomfort. Doctor: Why is that? Maurice: My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2005 05:35 PM                        Rated G : Waiting for an elevator at our hospital, I stood next to a maintenance man holding a bicycle pump. Noticing my curious stares, he looked at me and remarked with a grin, "It's the new HMO oxygen program."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2005 01:43 PM                        Rated G Patient: "This hospital is no good. They treat us like dogs." Orderly: "Mr. Jones, you know that's not true. Now, roll over."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2005 04:10 PM                        Rated G SIGNS YOU'RE IN A BAD HOSPITAL You go in for a routine surgery, you come out with a tail. You recognize your doctor as the kid who was mopping the lobby when you checked in. Instead of a sponge bath, they send a Saint Bernard to lick you. As you're going under, your surgeon says, "Man, am I baked!" Every couple of minutes, you hear a bugle playing "Taps."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-20-2005 02:50 PM                        Rated G lorraine Because my mother had a reaction to a bee sting when we were on vacation, I went with her to see a doctor immediately upon our return. After she described the symptoms in detail, the allergist said, "Where did you get stung?" Mother's hesitation turned into a long silence. Finally, I suggested, "Wasn't it your back, Mother?" Suddenly, she blurted: "Shamrock. Shamrock, Texas!" ;D  |  IP: Logged

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