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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 08:03 AM                        Rated G The hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerious." Underneath, a nurse had written: The last five are pretty risky, too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 10:35 AM                        Rated G Bruce Jill, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It has gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your willpower and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 10:55 AM                        Rated G Bruce Psychiatric Hotline Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 02:33 PM                        Rated G A lady swallowed a Super Gillette Razor Blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself:a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy,and a hysterectomy,but that she had also castrrated her husband and circumcised her lover,taken two fingers off a casual aquaintence,given her minister a hairlip...and there are still five shaves left.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2006 11:29 AM                        Rated PG B.B. The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying cattle ranch, when he crossed paths with the town's gossip at the gas station. "Doctor Wilson, how is the Smith baby?" "Well, the child was born without a penis," the doctor said... "Oh, oh my goodness!" said the gossip... and with a smile on her face, she turned to rush into town to spread the news. Turning to the gas station attendant, Doc Wilson smirked: "but in about 20 years or so, she will have a nice place to harbor one!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-05-2006 01:36 PM                        Rated G A doctor in a clinic was interviewing a new patient. "If I find an operation necessary," he asked, "would you have the money to pay for it?" "Listen, Doc," replied the man, "if I didn't have the money, would you find the operation necessary?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2006 12:55 PM                        Rated G Lulu A woman was in her psychiatrist's office, terribly upset after a bad dream. "Now", soothed the psychiatrist, "tell me about this dream you had." "Well," said the lady, "I dreamed I was walking down the street with nothing on but a hat." "And, were you embarrassed?" "Yes I was. It was last year's hat!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2006 10:44 AM                        Rated G Lulu A new nurse listened while Dr. Blake was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?" The other nurse replied, "Oh, he is the new doctor. He just likes to call the shots around here."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-12-2006 02:43 PM                        Rated G Gerry The eye doctor said, "Can you read the last three numbers on the chart?" I said, " Yes 1 - 8 - 5." He said, "That's fine, because that is the price of your new glasses."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 05-22-2006 12:30 PM                        Rated PG... American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-09-2006 08:18 PM                        Rated G Phil in La La Land Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I Think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba. Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2006 11:08 AM                        Rated G A doctor and a dentist fell in love with a same girl. One day, the dentist had to go abroad for one week to fulfill his work, so he gave the girl seven apples and asked her to eat one apple everyday. Know why? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . An apple a day keeps the doctor away!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-11-2006 09:43 AM                        Rated G Gerry The patient was very upset when the doctor told him he needed a tonsillectomy. Later, while filling out the admission form, the patient was so nervous he couldn't speak. The nurse put down the form, took his hands in hers and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous procedure." "You're right. I'm being silly," he said, relieved. "Please continue." "Good, now, "the nurse went on, "do you have a living will?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-27-2006 08:24 AM                        Rated G B.B. "Cute Baby" When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby." Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents." "No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute." "So what do you say to the others?" I asked. "He looks just like you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2006 05:01 PM                        Rated G Betsy A man was in the waiting room while his wife was in the delivery room. Presently a smiling nurse came out with three babies. The man looked them over for a few seconds, then said, "I'll take the one in the middle."  |  IP: Logged

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