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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-16-2003 02:49 PM                        Rated G "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." --Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-17-2003 02:12 PM                        Rated G Max Levy goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body.After a thorough examination,the doctor gives him a clean bill of health."Max,you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man.But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger",says the doctor. "Who asked you to make me younger?" says Max. "Just make sure I get older!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-18-2003 05:14 PM                        Rated G During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair,I showed up with an equally unpresentable medical student.In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student,both neatly attired in clean white lab coats. The resident said to his student,"You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance." Two evenings later,I was at a banquet when called to the ER for yet another emergency. I was stitching away - wearing a tuxedo - when I encountered that same medical resident.He looked at me,then said to his student,"Sure is sensitive to criticism,isn't he?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-19-2003 03:53 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee At his wife's insistence,Goldberg finally went to his doctor for a check up. "You look terrible,"said the doctor."Do you drink?" "Why yes, plenty."said Goldberg. "I start every day with a bottle of schnapps." "And with that cough,"the doctor continued,"you probably are a smoker." "You bet,"said Goldberg,"Three packs a day for me." "Look Mr. Goldberg,"the doctor said."You are not a healthy man. You're going to have to give up smoking and drinking right away, and thats an order.And before you go,that'll be $50 for my advice." Goldberg replies, "So who's taking it?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-19-2003 03:59 PM                        Rated PG Lorraine After completing a medical examination,the doctor smiled at his patient,"Well,Mrs.Harvey,I have some great news for you." "Doctor,I am not Mrs.Harvey.I am Miss Harvey." "Well,Miss Harvey,I have some bad news for you...." [ 06-01-2003, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-01-2003 04:12 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the sky. Psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist collects the rent.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-02-2003 02:33 PM                        Rated G A man was injured in an industrial accident and was rushed to a doctor who determined that one of his testicles was crushed. The crushed testicle was removed and the man was assured that he would be fine,no complications.Physically he was fine but mentally he knew he was lighter on one side than the other,which caused him to walk in circles.After trying to overcome the problem without any luck he returned to the doctor very distraught. "Doc! You've got to help me.I am about to lose my job and my wife because of walking in circles! "Well,the doctor had never encountered such a problem.As he pondered it he went to his refrigerator for a snack. Then he noticed a small cooking onion.Ha! He quickly measured the man's remaining testicle,peeled off layers of onion until the onion was exactly the same size as his testicle. A minor operation, and the man walked out of the office as straight as an arrow! And to this day that man is normal with two exceptions: 1. When he sees a hamburger he gets an erection. 2. When he pee's his eyes water....  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2003 08:31 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second degree burns.He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse,rather astounded,said,"What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-05-2003 09:39 AM                        Rated G NURSES Signs that It's Going To Be a Bad Shift One of the nurses from the previous shift is weeping at the nurse's station. The nurse who is handing you a report looks up from her notes and asks, "How do you spell 'diarrhea'?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2003 04:29 PM                        Rated G Michele Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges,who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country. Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require precertification? A. No. Only those you need. Q. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions? A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment. Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs,but I need the name brand.I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do? A. Poke yourself in the eye. Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick? A. You really shouldn't do that. Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office? A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15 co-payment,there's no harm in giving him a shot at it. Q. Will health care be different in the next century? A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2003 12:08 PM                        Rated G blue_meanie The surgeon walks into Rowland's room. He says, "Mr. Rowland, I have good news and bad news." Rowland asks, "What's the bad news, Doc?" The surgeon answers, "I accidentally cut off your penis." Rowland yelps, "My god! What's the good news?" The surgeon says, "It wasn't malignant."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-13-2003 11:41 AM                        Rated G Michele A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said. "So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-14-2003 07:47 AM                        Rated G Michele I'm a counselor who helps coordinate support groups for visually impaired adults. Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features. I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself. Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me very well, I jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a cross between Mel Gibson and Antonio Banderas." Immediately one woman called out, "We're not that blind!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 07:01 AM                        Rated G This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits patiently in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband. Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room this time asking for a screwdriver. The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer. At that, the husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the surgeon and asks, ''Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?'' "I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my darn bag open."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 07:12 AM                        Rated G Catherine,an RN,was unhappy with her job,so she submitted her resignation.She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position,because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later,Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated.I do,however,want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."  |  IP: Logged

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