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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 09:58 AM                        Rated G The Final Countdown A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying,and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 08:36 PM                        Rated G MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY!!! Artery-----------------The study of paintings Bacteria---------------Back door of the cafeteria Barium----------------What doctors do when their patient dies Bowel-----------------A letter like A, E, I, O, U Cesarean Section------A neighborhood in Rome Cat Scan--------------Searching for the kitty Cauterize--------------Made eye contact with her Colic------------------A sheep dog Coma-----------------A punctuation mark D & C----------------Where Washington is Dilate------------------To live long Enema-----------------Not a friend Fester-----------------Quicker Fibula-----------------A small lie Genital----------------Not a Jew G.I.Series-------------An army ball game Hangnail--------------Coat hook Impotent--------------Distinguished; well known Labor pains-----------Getting hurt at work Medical staff----------A doctor's cane Morbid---------------A higher offer Nitrates---------------Cheaper than day Node-----------------Was aware of Outpatient-------------A person who fainted Pap smear-------------A fatherhood test Pelvis------------------A cousin to Elvis Post-operative---------A letter carrier Recovery room--------A place where they do upholstery Rectum----------------Dang nearly killed him Secretion--------------Hiding something Seizure----------------A Roman emperor Tablet-----------------A small table Terminal illness--------Getting sick at the airport Tumor-----------------Add two Urine------------------Opposite to you are out Varicose---------------Near by Vein-------------------Conceited  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-03-2003 08:29 AM                        Rated G Doctor!" whined the Texas A & M student. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes." The physician scratched his head,"Why have you come to me? Have you seen an ophthalmologist?" "No," replied the patient, "just spots."  |  IP: Logged Rachel Craven Madam Moderator Posts: 2190 From: Pensacola, FL Registered: Dec 2000 posted 07-11-2003 12:11 PM                     Rated PG A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!" 5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...." 9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must aquit!" 11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 06:00 PM                        Rated G Michele Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 10:48 AM                        Rated G Linda Q : Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2003 07:22 PM                        Rated G Louise This young woman brought her child into Children's Hospital for a routine check-up. On the records, the nurse saw that the child's first name was Urine (pronounced Urin-ie). Not wanting to be rude, but wanting to know why this woman would name her child this, the nurse asked her how Urine got her name. The woman explained, "Well, my baby was born premature and had to stay in the special nursery. She was real sick and they didn't know if she would make it. I couldn't decide what to name her, but the nurses said they would pray for her. One day I came in and the nurses had already named her. There was this paper on her incubator that said 'Please save Urine', so I knew that they had named my baby."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-22-2003 07:39 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee What Do You Need? A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse,as so many patients did when they had a check to write. "Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine. "Yes, thank you," she replied.She took it,put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-22-2003 07:51 AM                        Rated G Michele The makers of Preparation H, a well know treatment for hemorrhoids, today recalled all of their products from store shelves nationwide. Reports of tampering have surfaced and, upon investigation, officials have found evidence that someone has inserted a form of deadly poison into the products which,if used,will kill instantly. Reports are just now beginning to trickle in, however, it appears that thus far the tampered with Preparation H may be responsible for the deaths of at least a dozen.... assholes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-22-2003 10:45 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee A guest lecturer to the Medical college stopped by the bulletin board. Listed for the day was the topic, " Surprises in Obstetrics". Scrawled under it in pencil were the words, " Mary had a little lamb ".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 07:30 AM                        Rated G Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being dis- charged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient,I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.The bad news is,Jim, the patient you saved,hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom.I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 09:36 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Modern medicine..... Stressed out today? Cheer up! Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier. Jack Asspirin: Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. Anti-talksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Sexcedrin: Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. Ragamet: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 09:58 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Patient to doctor: "Doctor, it's mighty nice of you to come all the way out here to see me." Doctor to patient: "Oh, don't mention it. I had another patient in this part of town, so I decided I could kill two birds with one stone."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 01:48 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A doctor met a patient whose check had bounced.Trying to be as tactful as possible,the doctor remarked:"By the way,your check came back." With a smile and a drawl the man observed:"What a coincidence.So did my lumbago."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-06-2003 03:31 AM                        Rated G Julie Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams?" Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time." Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 5 o'clock football game."  |  IP: Logged

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