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Author Topic: Medical Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-14-2003 01:16 PM                        Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives a new meaning to the names "cocktails","highballs", and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink ". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount & Do."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 08:32 AM                        Rated G Michele A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how longhad they been occurring, etc.,when she interrupted him. "I'm a veterinarian and I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions.I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added,"Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, stood back, and looked her up and down. He then quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course you realize, if that doesn't work, then we'll have to put you to sleep."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2003 09:48 AM                        Rated R Editors Note: Mr. Hill asked that I post this in the joke forum. He is kind of sensitive about discussing his health related issues. Important that people who will be meeting Phil for the first time, will understand when tears well up in his eyes. ............................................................... Phil was injured in an industrial accident and was rushed to a doctor who determined that one of his testicles was crushed. The crushed testicle was removed and Phil was assured that he would be fine, no complications. Physically Phil was fine but mentally he knew he was lighter on one side than the other, which caused him to walk in circles. After trying to overcome the problem without any luck he returned to the doctor very distraught. "Doc! You've got to help me. I am about to lose my job and my wife because of walking in circles!" Well, the doctor had never encountered such a problem. As he pondered it he went to his refrigerator for a snack. There he noticed an onion. ! He quickly measured the Phil's remaining testicle, peeled off layers of onion until the onion was exactly the same size as his testicle. A minor operation, and the Phil walked out of the office as straight as an arrow! And to this day that man is normal - - - -with two exceptions: When he sees a hamburger he gets an erection and when he pees, his eyes water.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2003 09:12 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A woman goes to the doctor's office and says,"Doctor,I've got a strange problem and I need your opinion." "Can you describe your symptoms?" he asks. "Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and,standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear,she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs."They don't hurt or anything,but I was a little worried about them." The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked,"Are you a lesbian by any chance?" Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question, especially coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, "Well yes I am,actually.Why do you ask?" "Well,I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2003 02:37 PM                        Rated R Gordon Toronto BUTTER Tart The Patient and the drunk An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 07:28 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.He said,'No hablo ingles.'  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-21-2003 05:04 PM                        A HOT LOVE STORY---- I shall seek and find you... I shall take you to bed and control you... I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan... I will make you beg for mercy... I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you... And you will be weak for days. All my love, ................... The Flu (Get Those shots!)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 08:52 AM                        Rated G B.B. . . . I have discovered that the flu is both affirmative and negative. Sometimes the eyes have it and sometimes the nose.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 08:01 AM                        Rated PG Michele A new medical facility, with several different specialists, opened in a trendy part of the city. Wanting to be different and creative, the administration decided that each doctor's office door would, in some way, be representative of his practice. So, when construction was complete, the eye doctor's door had a peep hole, the orthopaedist's door had a broken hinge, the psychiatrist's door was painted all kinds of crazy colours, and the proctologist's door was left open - just a crack.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 11:46 AM                        Rated G Michele The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked. The wife shook her head, "No, do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2003 09:56 PM                        Rated PG Michele "I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to." "But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... 'physically' attracted to my horse." "Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am... GAY???"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-30-2003 04:41 PM                        Rated XXX Michele An old man went in to see the doctor and said,"Doc,I'm turning eighty tomorrow.I've hired a hooker for the night,and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die.Can you give me something that'll get me up?" The doctor smiled."I don't normally prescribe this stuff,but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night." Later that night, out of curiosity,the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked,"How's it going?" "Fabulous," the old man said."I've cum three times already." "That's great," the doctor said."the hooker must be astounded." "Not exactly," the old man said."She's not here yet."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2004 08:09 AM                        Rated G Michele My doctor said I was paranoid... well,he didn't actually say it,but I could tell he was thinking it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2004 08:22 AM                        Rated G Marsha A man walked into the doctor's office for an appointment."Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked."I'll need the information for the doctor." "It's rather embarrassing," the man stammered."You see,I have a very large and almost constant erection." "Well,the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed,"but maybe I can squeeze you in."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2004 08:27 AM                        Rated PG Lorraine The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand." "And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the doctor said. "Heck, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Porsche!"  |  IP: Logged

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