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Topic: Medical
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-07-2004 06:14 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Michele
Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well.There are ear doctors,nose doctors,throat doctors,
gynecologists,proctologists,any place you got a hole,there's a guy who specializes in your hole.
They make an entire career out of that hole.And if the ear
doctor,nose doctor,throat doctor,gynecologist,or proctologist can't help you,he sends you to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-12-2004 05:49 PM
Rated PG
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a checkup.
He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's
wrong with me."
"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor."Do you drink much?"
"Alcohol?" said the man."I'm a teetotaller.Never touch a drop."
"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.
"Never," replied the man."Tobacco is bad and I have strong
principles against it."
"Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much of a sex life?"
"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every
night... always have been."
The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do
you have pains in your head?"
"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."
"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too
tight." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-28-2004 12:50 PM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Cutbacks are so severe these days--this could happen!
To: All Staff
From: Administration
Re: Hospital Costs
In an effort to reduce costs this year, the following are effectiveimmediately. Please share this information with your patients and physicians as soon as possible.
1. Food service will be discontinued immediately. Patients wishing to eat will want to get their families to bring them a brown bag meal, or you may make your own arrangements with Subway,Dominoes, etc. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose.
2. Our phone operators have all been let go, so if you are
walking through the lobby and hear the telephone ringing, please
answer it.
3. We have found it necessary to make substantial reductions in
our transport team so we ask the cooperation of all patients. One
transporter will take at least six patients in wheelchairs at a
time to Radiology,PT and other services.Please form a "train" by holding tightly on to the handles of the wheelchair in front of you.
4. Our Emergency Room is really busy from 3 PM to 11 PM so,if you can,please have your accidents and heart attacks in the mornings or early afternoons.That would really be helpful and will help to reduce your wait.
5. To expedite surgery cases,all AM admits and outpatient surgery patients are asked to report to the hospital 3 hours prior to surgery. Go to Central Sterile and pick up a clean instrument tray & surgery pack and proceed to the Surgery Holding area. To help us reduce drug costs, please take several aspirin prior and drink a six-pack of your favorite brewski before to arriving at the hospital for surgery.
6. Patients anticipating the need for a bedpan can check one out
in the gift shop. They will be available in a wide variety of
colors and styles to meet the aesthetic and physical requirements of our patients.A deposit will be required but returned if the bedpan is returned clean.
7. To reduce patients' lengths of stay, nurses will have a choice of using in-line skates or skateboards. To expedite response to patient's needs and discharges, nurse call systems will be modified and will be wired to a collar worn by nurses, which will deliver a mild shock when pushed by the patient.
8. Taking a cue from the airlines,Respiratory Therapists will be
replaced by oxygen masks which will,should the need arise,
automatically drop from the ceiling over patient beds.If this
occurs, please place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally.
9. The hospital got a real sweet deal on surplus white waiters'
jackets and these will be issued to all physicians.Doctors,we
apologize in advance because the jackets already had a first name embroidered on the pocket.We will work with you to find a name that you can live with.
10. All first time moms are asked to volunteer to help out on the
Pediatrics floor - not only will this reduce hospital costs, but itwill give you a much needed experience and a dose of reality after ogling over your own precious sleeping bundle of joy.
11. Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined.Mops
will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory,thus
providing range-of-motion exercises as well as a clean
environment.Family members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean public areas to receive special discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.
12. Plant operations and Engineering are being eliminated. The
hospital has subscribed to the TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of
maintenance books. These books can be checked out from
administration and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all
nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one
volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic
Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to
handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
13. Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.
14. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than
two x-rays per patient stay.This is due to the turnaround time
required by Walgreen's photo lab.Two prints will be provided for the price of one,and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Walgreen's will honor all competitors' coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across coupons from other vendors, please clip them and send them to the Emergency Department.
15. In light of the extremely hot summer temperature and the high A/C bills that we received last summer, our new policy is to have fans available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop. For those patients who do not wish to use electric fans, the old reliable hand held cardboard fans on a stick are free upon request.
16. The cost of hospital gowns continues to escalate so patients
are asked to bring their own pajama top which nurses will be happy to slit up the back for you. Pajama bottoms are not permitted on patient units.
17. On the way to the hospital,please stop by Target or Wal-Mart
and pick up two sets of twin bed sheets. Should you require extra linens during your stay, coin operated washers and dryers are available for patient use.
18. Administration is assuming responsibility for grounds keeping
duties.If an Administrator cannot be reached by calling the
Administrative Offices, it is suggested that you walk outside and
listen for the sound of a lawn mover, weed-whacker, etc.
19. The hospital chapel will close down permanently so be sure to
look up the number to "Dial-A-Prayer" if the situation arises for a spiritual consultation.
20. Please make sure you take a long hot shower or bath before
staying with us because the hot water will be turned off
permanently.If you're well enough to take a shower or bath,
you're well enough to be at home.
21. With the recent finding that elevators use more electricity to
go up and less to go down, please fit as many people as possible
in the elevator before leaving the ground floor. The elevators
will be programmed to go up only once an hour.
If you have any questions regarding these cost-cutting measures,
please let us know. Thank you for your cooperation.
Administrator: Edward Scizzorhan, Veterans Administration
Hospital: Flat Bush, Texas, USA
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