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"Is there a woman here in need of assistance ?" asked the medic from the ambulance as he knocked on the door.

"Yes." replied the man opening the door. "It's my wife. She has an electric vibrator lodged in her."

"Well, we'll have to transport her to the hospital." the medic replied. "Those things can be tricky to remove."

A woman goes to see her Podiatrist. She says, "Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so greatI spent most of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing happened.

Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling warm sensation between my toes." The foot doctor thought this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes.

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"I would like to see a woman dentist," said the man.

"Why?" asked his friend.

A doctor examined a woman and took her husband aside. "I don't want to alarm you," he said, "but I don't like the way your wife looks at all."

"Me neither, Doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and real good with the kids."

A lady came to the hospital to visit a dear friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.

A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes, wires and dials.

"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70.They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy.

"I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to complaining patients from morning till night, on a day like this, and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?"

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively
worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

Martin goes to see a therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, "How is your sex life?"

"I have a lot of issues with sex," Martin replies.

"What kind of issues?" the therapist asks.

A New Hospital Wing

Recently, when a panel of doctors at our local hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this is what happened....

The allergists voted to scratch it.

The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.

The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.

The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"

The pediatricians said, "Grow up."

The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."

The psychiatrists thought it was madness.

The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The radiologists could see right through it.

The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.

The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.

The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.

And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarassed performing female pelvic exams.

To cover his embarassment he had unconsciously formed a habit
of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.

He looked up from his work and sheepishly said,"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat
doctor to get well.

There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor,gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon.

"Bill, I want you to drink a cup of hot water every morning," the doctor ordered. "Hot water. Do you understand? A man your age needs help for his elimination."