A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dream."Every night,"the man said,"I dream that these three hideous monsters
are sitting on the edge of my bed,ready to attack me."

"Hmmmm,"said the Doctor."I feel sure I can cure you of this problem, but the treatment will cost you somewhere between $20,000 and $30,000 dollars.

"$30,000 dollars!!!"the man gasped.

"Never mind getting rid of the monsters, Doctor.I think I'll go home and try to make friends with them."

Jeff was seeing his doctor. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Your wife has syphillis."

"Jeez! What could possibly be good news."

My Dad the dentist:

One of my little sister's baby tooth came lose and Dad, in his typical Dad way, got a piece of string and tied it to her tooth and tied the string to a door knob.

"I'll have it out in a jiffy honey", he said as he explained the procedure and began to count to 3.

As he shouted "Three!" and proceeded to slam the door my sister took off running after the door screaming "No no no no".My dad moved my sister back again and said "Don't be afraid honey it won't hurt you at all".

"You promise" she said.

"I promise" dad said...This time he slammed the door without counting, slamming his other hand in the door jam... which caused the door to bounce open and knock my sister off balanced which caused her to fall backwards far enough for the string to yank her tooth out....

"There now... you see?" he said with watering eyes, "I told you it wasn't going to hurt".

During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the
blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he
asked me what my husband did.

Many men are buying "black market" Viagra pills from Mexican
mail-order stores.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced that several of these pharmacies are mixing the Viagra with gound-up jumping beans.

The results can be horrible....

BABES VS. BABIES!

Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter...another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came...

Finally he sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately strained
circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter.

On the back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you owe me!"

Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.

Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat.

Things Not to Hear During Surgery:

Could you stop that thing from beating?

It's throwing my concentration off..

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Darn, there go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two
of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

The American Medical Association has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered.

Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's disease research.

An Apple A Day..
----------------

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several
pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.

I asked one nurse what the pin signified.

A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the Doc said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.

"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."

HUNCHBACK'S WIFE: I'm getting worried about that back of yours.
It looks really awful. Perhaps you should see a doctor.Eventually, after a lot of persuasion the Huchback goes to the doctor.

DOCTOR:I want you to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes jacket
then stops)

HUNCHBACK:I don't like getting undressed.

DOCTOR:If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed.( Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his vest on.)

HUNCHBACK:I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh
at me.

DOCTOR o you want me to examine your back or not? ( Very
reluctantly the hunchback removes his vest ( woollen undergarment
in UK ))

DOCTOR:How long is it since you were at school?

HUNCHBACK:Over 30 years. Why?

DOCTOR id you ever wonder what happened to your backpack?

I'm dyslexic, and I attended a conference about the disorder with a friend.

The speakers asked us to share a personal experience with the group. I told them that stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse
words and letters when I'm tense.

When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over to me and wispered,
"Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."

A man believes that he's inclined to be a cannibal and his wife convinces him to go see a psychiatrist.

When he returns home later, she asks, "So how was the psychiatrist ?"

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see
his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"