In the middle of an international gynecology conference, an English and a French gynecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.

French Gynecologist: "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."

English Gynecologist: "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big, my good man, she couldn't have been able to walk if it was."

A psychiatrist is interviewing a first-time patient.

"You say you're here because your family is worried about your taste in socks?" he asks.

"That's correct," the patient mutters. "I like wool socks."

"But that's perfectly normal," replies the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains,"

The doctor said, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?

The old timer said, "He's l00 years old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive...he's a turkey hunter,"

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!! How old is he?"

The old timer said,"He's ll8 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I
suppose he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No....Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

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A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctor's and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A NURSE IF.....

The front of you scrubs read: 'Nurses...here to save your ass, not kiss it!'

You occasionally park in the space with the 'Physicians Only' sign, and knock it over.

You've ever told a patient to 'move toward the light.'

You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan)

You've ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same time

You believe some patients are alive only because it's illegal to kill them

You do the "only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance"

You always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.

You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem.

You can't cure stupid.

You believe if it's wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!

You believe just because someone's license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.

You have seen more moons than the Hubble telescope.

To you the phrase "divide and conquer" means getting two co-workers to help you change the bedsore dressing in the crack of a 400 pound patient.

You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into the lube while
inserting a foley on a patient that has pulled out three catheters on your shift while restrained.

You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them

You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience

You ever had a patient die shortly after saying, 'Hey, watch this'

You ever wished that they would make corrugated catheters to use on really annoying patients.

You no longer have a gag reflex.

You make up new ways to describe strange patients True --a doctor
friend of mine would put the number "45" on the chart to warn the
nurses that the patient wasn't playing with a full load of chromosomes.

You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.

You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.

You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

You think pizza, cookies and coke make a balanced meal.

You tell cops where to go without fear!

You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock.

You've ever thought, 'Patients, God love 'em, because today, I sure don't!'

You believe that saying, 'It can't get any worse' causes it to get worse just to show you it can.

You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom

You have ever referred to an intoxicated patient as a FORD (Found On Road Drunk)

You call some of your co-workers 'Flowers in the Field of Medicine' because they're bloomin' idiots

You've ever used the acronym F.T.D. (Fixin' to Die) or L.T.B.B
(Lucky To Be Breathing)

You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas.

You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment.

You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you
became a nurse.

You think it is acceptable to use "penis" and "vagina" in a normal
conversation.

You look in your closet and can't find anything non-medical to wear.

You believe any job where you can drive to work in pajamas is a cool job.

"How may I help you?" the doctor asks.

"Doc, every night,I have the same dream.I’m lying in bed and a dozen women walk in and try to rip my clothes off and have wild sex with me."

"And then what do you do?" the shrink asks.

"I push them away," the man says.

"Then what do you want me to do?" the shrink asks.

HEALTH CARE REALITY CHECK!

Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care
By David Lubar

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry--the remaining doctor who is still in the
plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?

A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?

My sister-in-law was in to see her doctor recently and she had
just heard that he wanted to put her mother on Prozac(My sister-
in-law has been on it for about 10 years)

She was upset by this andwent in raving,she told him he should "just have a Prozac dispenserin his waiting room because half the town is on it and it would save time writing all those prescriptions" among other things.

All the time she was ranting on he was sitting calmly listening and
occasionally writing on his pad.

When she finished he said "I thinkI need to increase your dosage" and handed her a new prescription.

MINDS & BEHINDS!

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology"

The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it
to:

"Hysteria and Posteriors"

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to:

"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids"

No go, so they tried:

"Catatonics and High Colonics"

Thumbs down again, so they tried:

"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives"

Still not good, so they tried:

"Minds and Behinds"

Still no go. Nor did:

"Analysis and Anal Cysts",

"Freaks and Cheeks"

or

"Loons and Moons"

work either, so they finally settled on:

Subject: New Medications Recently Approved

St. Mom's Wort...Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EmptyNestrogen...Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and couldn't wait 'til they moved out.

Peptobimbo...Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol...When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor...Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics...When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin...Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra...Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-All...When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

JackAsspirin...Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-Talksident...A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin...Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the "not-now-dear-I-have-a-headache" syndrome.

The nurse at the Pathology Clinic was getting a bit beyond it.
She was approaching retirement and was continually getting things
mixed up.

One day, a young man came to the laboratory for a blood test. After a few minutes, the pathologist looked in on the nurse and his patient. There she was, rapidly stroking the very happy young man's firm erection.

March 2002

Baltimore Star

March 11, 2002

Marylanders Misjudge Care First Execs.

"Get the whole story before you point fingers," says Care First Spokesperson.

Care First/Blue Cross Blue Shield of Maryland is is petitioning the Insurance Commissioner and the State Legislature to allow it to sell itself to a profit-making venture in California. Recently the liberal, consumer-coddling Baltimore media reported that the top executives of Maryland Care First will pocket over 33 million dollars if the sale goes through. The citizens of Maryland reacted with outrage.

"This is the usual way these stories get sensationalized," said Care First spokesperson, Sharon Dalute, "You don't actually think that our executives intend to keep these bonuses for their own personal use, now do you? Why would they do that? They certainly don't need the money. We already give them six and seven figure incomes. Actually each senior executive has elected to use his or her bonus to benefit the citizens of Maryland.

"William Jews, our CEO, intends to use his 9 million dollar bonus to help waive the high medication and medical equipment co-payments for Care First subscribers with diabetes and other chronic health conditions. Executive Vice-President Sharon Vecchioni intends to use her 2.3 million dollar bonus to reimburse all of the individuals with AD/HD who were denied psychotherapy benefits when Care First mistakenly believed that medication was the only effective treatment for AD/HD. David Wolf, another executive vice president, had never spent much time with any real Care First patients. He did play golf with some doctors once, so he decided to use his 3.6 million dollar bonus to reimburse physicians for the extra time they and their staff took away from patient care while managing burgeoning Care First paperwork and tracking down slow payments. John Picciotto, the Care First General Counsel, plans to donate his bonus to help a few of the individuals who gave up seeking reimbursement due to the Byzantine complexity of our contracts. He is aware that his 2.8 million bonus will only help a small portion of these individuals, but he hopes that if he takes the "get out of town quick" bonus, he may be able to help a few more. The other executives have plans to donate their fund to equally needy and equally underinsured Maryland citizens."

Politicians and regulators reacted quickly to these revelations. "I was right all along," declared Sen. Thomas Bromwell, "I hope that all those people who want to turn healthcare back to the non-profit ideas of the 1930s see how wrong they were."

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The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of Annapolis, Maryland, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing.

While leading a group, Felix, one of our guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by.