The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"

"274," came the reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling,and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakeshis head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor.

"How did you get that?"

A man goes into the hospital for some tests. They knock him out, and when he comes round there's a doctor peering over him, you know, pulling the eyelid up, wielding the reflex hammer.

The Doctor says, "Ahh, I'm glad you've come round. I'm afraid I have some mixed news."

The patient says, "Don't hold back Doctor, tell me
the bad news."

The Doctor says, "Worse than I thought. We had to amputate your left leg."

The patient replies, "What's the good news then?"

The Doctor responds, "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers."

Several days later the same man is rushed into the operating theatre for further surgery. Finally, hours later, he begins to wake. He sees the doctor peering over him and thinks of deja-vu.

The Doctor says, "Ahh, I'm glad you've come round. I'm afraid I have some mixed news again."

The patient says, "What could be worse than having one leg amputated. Tell me the bad news."

The Doctor says, "Worse than I thought. I'm afraid that we had to amputate your right leg as well."

The patient lapses into fits of uncontrollable tears. The doctor says to him, "But I haven't told you the good news yet. Pull yourself together, man."

The patient regains some composure and says, "What is it?"

The Doctor says, "Do you see the nurse over in the corner?"

Where?" the patient asks.

The Doctor says, "That nurse over there with the long blonde hair, large breasts and long legs."

The patient says, "Do I! She's incredible!!", getting excited.

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology.

Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade.

"You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor.

"I do." said the student."

A fine picture," the professor said, "of your lungs, stomach, and liver."

"If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" asked the student

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had.

He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "I got shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. "

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead,when in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for
him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying toconvince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He
took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead
men don't bleed.

"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctorasked.

"Yes, I do," the patient replied.

"Very well, then," the doctor said.

He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"

A man went to the doctor for his first prostate exam, and asked the doctor how the procedure is performed?

The doctor replied while putting on his glove and some K-Y jelly around his forefinger, "I insert this finger into your rectum and look for lumps and what not."

The patient replied, "You're going to stick that finger up my ass?"

The doctor replied, "Yes".

The patient said, "While you're at it I want you to stick two fingers up my ass".

The doctor asked, "Why?"

After the baby was born, a Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," he said in a panicked tone, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. I see no way she can possible be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Oriental."

"Well," said the doctor, "Let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in room 27.

She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty.

"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really
escaped."

Rated PG

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and
take your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well. Madam, stick your tongue out."

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Leanover the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags!"

Child birth

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she ispregnant. This is her first pregnancy.

The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain.How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman towoman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone, Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here.

"Calm down, How long have you been like this?"