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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2004 10:45 AM                        Rated G The Italian composer,Rossini,went to see his doctor.After examining him,the doctor said,"Your trouble stems from wine, women and song." Rossini suggested,"Well, I can get along without the songs, since I compose my own." The doctor said,"Well,which of the other two are you prepared to give up?" Rossini relied,"That depends entirely on the vintage."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2004 12:08 PM                        Rated G I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests,he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment,I couldn't resist asking him,"Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well,do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?" I said, "No,I've heard all red meat is very unhealthy!" "No, I don't," I said. He said,"Do you gamble,drive fast cars,or sexually fool around?" "No," I said. "I've never done any of those things." He said " Do you care if you live to be 80?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2004 12:44 PM                        Rated G Breakthrough" Medications Histalavista: Say bye-bye to those allergies. Milk of Amnesia: Infant formula to help forget birth trauma. Non-Interferon: Black market drug often slipped to unsuspecting in-laws. Testsoteroni: A hormonal supplement eaten as pasta. Aestheominophen: You don't feel any better, but you look fabulous. Elmer's Aspirin; It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who have splitting headaches. Preparation H with Aspirin: A new aspirin suppository for people who are a pain in the posterior.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2004 02:43 PM                        Rated G When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon."You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2004 10:21 AM                        Rated G A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. " I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2004 01:59 PM                        Rated PG Sue Bee There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw." But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles." The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep." However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas." So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else." After awhile he came back with a couple of pills. The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?" The dentist said, "Viagra." The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?" The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your damn tooth.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2004 10:45 AM                        Rated G The Millers were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Miller turned to his wife..."Show him your tooth, Honey."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2004 01:31 PM                        Rated G Tony in Austin My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right.I've only been jogging once and feel ten years older already.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 12:33 PM                        Rated XXX In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to York!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into York". "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in York!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2004 07:02 AM                        Rated G The scale at the doctor's office has a chart showing the desired weight per height. Thanks to it, I now know my problem. I'm not overweight; I'm under short.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2004 10:38 AM                        Rated G Signs You Have a Cheap HMO Plan Directions to the doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park." When you enter the office, you see a dispenser with the sign "PLEASE TAKE A NUMBER." Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. The only psychiatrist in the plan is nicknamed "Joe the bartender." The only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is, "An apple a day." Your "primary care physician" is wearing pants you gave to Goodwill last month. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a misprint. The only expense covered 100% is embalming. Your pills come in different colors with "M" on them. Prescription for anti-depressant medication: A coupon for a double espresso at Starbucks.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2004 09:42 AM                        Rated G My husband had been stationed in Europe and away from home for what seemed like years when I went for my annual gynecological checkup. My doctor asked the usual questions, including what I was using for birth control. I gave the only possible response I could: "The Atlantic Ocean."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 09:36 AM                        [b]Rated G Lorraine This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition.Her husband waits patiently in the waiting room.After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench,which understandably concerns the husband.Then,after a couple more moments,the doctor re-enters the room this time asking for a screwdriver.The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then,a little later,the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer,at that,the husband,in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the surgeon and asks,''Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?'' "I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my damn bag open."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 09:55 AM                        Rated XXX My friend visited me in the hospital. I was wired like a cheap stereo with fluids going into various veins. He asked, "What happened dude?" I responded, "The other day I was walking by this convention center and I heard a crude remark made towards me. I told them to blow me. Little did I know it was the international nymphomaniacs’ convention. Six days later, the police found me in the gutter. I had lost 30 lbs and later at the hospital it took 12 hours of surgery to get the smile off my face."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2004 11:43 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee I was just trying to be efficient. If the people at my doctor's waiting room are going to get so upset about it, they should put up a sign that says "Please do not disrobe in the lobby."  |  IP: Logged

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