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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-08-2003 08:18 AM                        Rated G Michele A man goes to see the doctor because he has a sore throat.The nurse tells him to take all his clothes off and sit on the bench in the hall.The man tries to protest,but the nurse doesn't listen and just repeats the same orders then leaves the area. The man complies with her orders and joins another naked man sitting on the bench.The man starts complaining to the man already sitting there,that he only has a sore throat and doesn't understand why he has to take all his clothes off. The man who was already sitting on the bench nude,looks at the other man and says "You think that's bad, I'm just here to pay my bill."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 08:40 AM                        Rated G Michele A mother was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist. "Right," said the shrink, "We'll just try a few simple tests." To the boy, he said "Say a few words - anything that comes into your mind." The boy turned to his mother and asked, "Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 08:42 AM                        Rated G Michele Signs You Need A New Doctor... - He calls you at two in the morning "just to talk." - Instead of rubber surgical gloves he wears oven mitts. - He keeps accidentally referring to himself as "the defendant." - After examining you, he says, "Now do me." - He thinks Eastern Medicine was developed in Brooklyn. - He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as "drumsticks." - His examination room is Room 201 at the No-Tell Motel. - He introduces you to his anesthesiologist, "Doctor Jim Beam." - Before surgery, he asks if you want this "to go." - After a rectal exam he says, " It was good for me...was it good for you?" - Your plastic surgeon offered you Michael Jackson's old nose at a discount. - Your internist thinks that "saline solution " is taking his yacht to Barbados for 3 weeks. - He tries to color your X-Rays with crayons.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 08:50 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A lunatic is sitting in his cell playing solitaire. Another patient, who has been watching, suddenly cries, "Wait a minute! I just caught you cheating yourself." The first man puts his finger to his lips."Shhh," he whispers. "Don't tell anybody, but for years I've been cheating myself at solitaire." "You don't say," says his surprised pal. "Don't you ever catch yourself cheating?" The first man shakes his head. "Naw," he says proudly."I'm too clever."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-10-2003 06:37 AM                        Rated G Michele Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one,"we cut our emergency response time by ten percent." The other paramedics nodded in approval."Not bad," the second paramedic commented."But by using a computer model of traffic patterns,we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent." Again,the other team members gave their congratulations,until the third paramedic said,"That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam,we've cut our emergency response time in half!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-10-2003 06:53 AM                        Rated G Lillian in Washington D.C. A young lady confided to her doctor that ever since her husband had suffered his back injury,her sex life had improved immeasurably. "How come?" asked the puzzled doctor. "He doesn't bother me so often now," she explained.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-11-2003 12:43 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me.I think I'm a moth." Dentist:"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." Man: "Yes, I know." Dentist: "So why did you come in here?" Man: "The light was on..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-11-2003 02:29 PM                        Rated G Michele Oh Doctor!" said the young lady prior to her surgery,"Will the scar show? " "Not in church,madam," replied the doctor,"but anywhere else, it's entirely up to you......" [ 09-14-2003, 06:20 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-14-2003 06:19 AM                        Rated G Michele When his auto mechanic came in for a operation,Dr. Grimley couldn't help but take the opportunity to turn the tables on him. "Well Frank," said the doctor,"It's going to take at least five days for the parts to get in. As for the cost,there's no way to tell until we get in there and see exactly what the problem is..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-14-2003 09:11 AM                        Rated G Michele The old professor goes to see a psychiatrist to complain about his oversexed wife.The old professor confides to the shrink,"Mrs. Professor will stop at nothing to satisfy her lustful,kinky desires and bottomless sexual cravings.What can I do?" The psychiatrist says, "Please tell Mrs. Professor I'd like her to make an appointment with me immediately."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-15-2003 01:29 PM                        Rated G Kramer goes to an optometrist and he's lead into a room where the doctor pulls down a small screen with letters. "Read me the bottom line, Mr. Kramer." "Sorry, Doc, I can't." "Okay, how about the line above that?" "Nope." "...the next one up?" "Nope." This goes on for half an hour with the optometrist pulling down progressively larger and larger eye charts with everbigger letters Finally, the doctor says, 'Well, I've never had to use it before, but see if you can read this." With that,he pulled a lever,the wall collapsed and a giant 50 foot flaming orange 'A" rose up out of the ground. 'Now surely you can read THAT!" snarled the frustrated optometrist. "Sorry,Doc,but I can't." "Then,man,you must be blind!" "Oh no!Doc,my eyesight's fine.I just never learned how to read!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 08:48 AM                        Rated G A man visits the doctor. The doctor says, "I have bad news for you. You have cancer and Alzhiemer's disease". The man replies, "Well, thank God I don't have cancer!"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 09-21-2003 04:39 PM                        When your doctor says, "You have an appointment" it means "you have an opportunity to wait until the doctor feels like seeing you." When your doctor says, "A few more minutes" it means "you have time to read that entire year-old National Geographic magazine." When your doctor says, "It's a cutting edge procedure" it means "your insurance won't cover it." When your doctor says, "You'll feel some mild discomfort" it means "you'll be in pain." When your doctor says, "You'll feel a little discomfort" it means "this will hurt so much you'll probably bite your tongue off." When your doctor says, "Procedure" it means "Surgery." When your doctor says, "Fairly Routine Procedure" it means "Major Surgery." When your doctor says, "New Procedure" it means "Surgery that's experimental and dangerous." When your doctor says, "Latest medical research" it means "this week's guess." When your doctor says, "There's nothing more I can do" it means "perhaps you should find a new doctor."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2003 03:47 AM                        Rated G A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" "Can you hear me NOW?" "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!" "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...." "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!" "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you? and my favorite..... "Could you write me a note for my wife,saying that my head is not,in fact, up there?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-14-2003 04:44 AM                        Rated G Diane in Reno Examination A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and that the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools,he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk. 1. A tube of K-Y jelly 2. A rubber glove 3. A beer When the doctor finally came in,the man said "Look Doc,I'm a little confused.This is my first exam.I know what the K-Y is for,and I know what the glove is for,but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed out the door.The doc flung the door open and yelled Dammit, nurse! I said A BUTT LIGHT  |  IP: Logged

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