A guy went to the dentist to have his teeth checked.

While he was sitting in the chair, the dentist asked him, "Have you performed oral sex recently?"

Slightly uncomfortable, the guy replied: "Yes, this morning. I suppose I've got a hair stuck in my teeth? "

A woman went to see her psychiatrist.

"I'm really concerned," she said. "The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling."

The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."

"Well, I don't know," said the woman "It worries me.

An inmate went to see the prison doctor, and was astonished to be told that he needed to have one of his kidneys removed.

"Look," said the prisoner, "You've already removed my tonsils, my adenoids, my spleen, and my gall-bladder, and now you want one of my kidneys.

I only came to you to see if you could get me out of here.

An elderly bloke goes to his doctor to get the results of a check-up.

He sits down, and notices that the doctor has a grave look on his face.

"Some bad news, I'm afraid. The worst of it is that you have cancer, and only have 3 months to live."

The elderly bloke is devastated. "Is there more, doctor?"

"Yes, I'm afraid there is," replies the doctor. "You have Alzheimer's."

The doctor was caught in bed with the farmer's wife and explained to the shocked husband that he was only taking her temperature.

Last week I sent my wife for plastic surgery, they cut here credit cards in half.

******

There is a new operation where they can change a woman into a man. It's called Addadictome.

******

Dr Smythe had just informed his patient that he only had three minutes to live. The patient looked up wistfully and said, "There must be something you could do for me!"

"Well," replied the doctor, "I could boil you an egg.."

******

"Doctor, doctor. I need some pills. I've become a kleptomaniac."

"Try these," said the doctor, "and if they don't work, get me a CD player."

******

"Doctor, doctor. Every time I sit down, I see visions of Mickey Mouse and Pluto, every time I stand up, I see Donald Duck."

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?

One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.

******

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were.

Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant.

The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.

"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's$100,000.

The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's$150,000.

The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a steak lover. It's $500,000."

"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"

Three woman and their children were outside their psychiatrist's office. The wily old doctor was able to diagnose any complaint after asking the patient a few questions.

The first woman went in and the doctor asked her a few questions and proclaimed: "Madam, all you ever think is food! That is why you named you daughter Candy!" "Why," exclaimed the woman, "you're absolutely right, doctor!"

Then it was the second woman's turn. She got the same treatment and the doctor pronounced: "Madam, you're obsessed with the thought of money. That is why you named you daughter Penny!" "You're right, doctor!" exclaimed the second woman and left.

Psychiatric Voice Mail

If you are calling from a touch tone phone, please listen carefully to the following options and again, thank you for calling.

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4, 5, & 6

If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. And we have already traced the call...

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which button to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer.

One day, Ken complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $50.00."

Ken figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $50.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labour. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $50.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.

When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky

A sociologist, a psychologist, and a computer programmer were discussing the consequences and implications of a married man having a mistress. The sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly and lustful pursuits.

The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.