Linda Tripp has been feeling a little upset lately - she turned on her only friend in the world, other than that cucumber she saves for those 'special times'...

Then she caught her little press conference on the Evening News, and was horrified that her voice quavered like a bad cartoon character, not to mention looking like a Pro Wrestler in drag..

So, needing a mental boost, Linda decided to make herself a long-overdue appointment with a psychiatrist.

When she walked into his office, she said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody just laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

In an interview before Viagra...

Alan King once asked George Burns what sex was like for an old guy like him..

"Like shooting pool with a rope.", Burns replied.

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I heard that a truck loaded with Viagra crashed into the Willamette River in Oregon and now .. none of the bridges will come down...

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The marketers of Viagra have a new slogan, "Let the Dance Begin". This is better than the original, "Brace Yourself, Grandma!" (Leno)

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Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.

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Did you hear they started giving Viagra to the old men in nursing homes throughout the U.S. ?

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was last alive."

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A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick!"

After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams?"

A man at a nursing home took Viagra and went to the lunch room, where the residents were playing Bingo. To get their attention he yelled out, "SUPER SEX!,

Generic Viagra is sold under the name Fix-a-Flat.

New Viagra eye drops make you look hard.

Viagra has been a big boon to 'stand up' comedians.

The man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he's hard up.

Viagra in chocolate bars - you eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"

Bread with Viagra as an added ingredient is being marketed through a Boston bakery under the name "Pepperidge Firm".

Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died.

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

So Bob--

Have you heard about the new generic form of Viagra?

Its called--MYCOCKSARISEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night.

How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb.

Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region.

If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor!

A guy named Dave e-mailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.

We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall.

Dan Quail does not support Viagra. Quote: "I've been using this stuff for a week and NOTHING! It's the worst suppository I've ever used."

Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north.

Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up.

For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they're raising the dead!

The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.

It's been said that if you take Viagra and Propecia (or use Rogain) at the same time, things work great -- but you look like Don King, afterward.

Unconfirmed but frequent reports tell us that a man who overdosed on Viagra caused the funeral home problems - they couldn't close his coffin lid for 3 days.

Even so, we're told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in business.

POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP

2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER

3. DON'T BE SILLY,PROTECT YOUR WILLY

4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT

5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER

6. YOU CANT GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG

7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT

8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YOUR MONKEY

9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE

10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER

11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR STICK

12. IF YOU GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT

13. WHILE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS

14. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER

15. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER

16. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL

17. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION

18. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL

19. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER