You Gotta Help Me Doc, I’m An Idiot!

Doctor: "Ask the accident victim his name so we can notify his family."

You Gotta Help Me Doc, I’m Losing My Memory!

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name.

Can't remember my children's names.

Can't remember what kind of car I drive.

Can't remember where I work....

It was all I could do to find my way here."

"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car.

The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am.

Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romero.

Last night I dreamed I was a Porche.

What does this mean?"

"Relax," says the doctor calmly,

The doctor entered the waiting room.

"I have some good news for you, Mrs. Douglas."

"Pardon me," she interrupted, "but it's Miss."

Psychiatric Hotline

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline Telephone Dialing Instructions:

If you ar obsessive-comuplsive, please press 1...repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are a paranoid-delusional, there is no need to press anything. We already know who you are and what you want.

If you are schizophrenic, listen very carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it dosen't matter what number you press. No one will answer you.

This guy has a problem and goes to the doctor. The doctor asks, "What's the problem?" The guy pulls down his pants and pulls out his rather large and fat penis. The doctor asks, "That's your problem?" The guy replies, "Yes. Everytime I go on a date I smell the girl's perfume and when we get close I get this tent in my pants and it scares the girl off!" The doctor says, "I can't give medication for this. But I have a suggestion. Next time you go on a date try strapping it to your leg and that should hold it down."

A couple of days later the doctor ran into the guy on the street and asked, "So, how did it go?"

Dan wakes up on Monday morning, staggers into the bathroom and turns on the shower. He begins to lather up and notices that his dick is bright orange. He is really concerned, but it doesn't hurt and he feels normal.

He finishes his shower, gets dressed and goes on to work. During his mid-morning break, he goes into the men's room to take a leak. While standing in front of the urinal, a co-worker comes in and sees his bright orange dick and exclaims, ''Holy Shit! Your dick is bright orange!'' Dan tells his co-worker that he feels just fine and his dick doesn't hurt. His co-worker advises him to go to the company doctor as soon as possible cause it looks like it could be serious.

Nancy goes to the gynecologist and he examines her. He says, “You have acute vaginitis”

Q. What do you call a Florida gynecologist?

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help me.

Every night I dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York.

I'm so tired I can hardly get up in the morning."

Doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you."

The man tries it, and he is cured.

Later another patient comes in and tells the doctor, "I keep having this same dream every night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?"

Doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your hands."

Two weeks later the man goes back to the psychiatrist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Now these women are bringing their friends, and they're all getting so demanding. I'm so tired I can barely get through the day. Can't you do something?"

"You should have called me like I told you." said the doctor “I’d take a couple of them off your hands."

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital.

Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note.

He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

Two guys both have 9 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic.

A nubile young nurse greets them and tells them she's going to prep them for surgery and takes them to a room.

She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in her hand and begins to masturbate him.

''Whoa!'' he says, ''What's going on?''

She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has to ensure that he has no blockages.

The guy thinks, ''How bad can it be?'' So he agrees and allows the nurse to finish her task.

Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy.

When he is up on the exam table, the nurse licks her lips, and begins to perform a blow job on him.

Upon seeing this, the first guy says, ''Hey, what's this?

I get jerked off, and he gets a blow job.

That's not fair.'' The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, ''Sorry, buddy.

Health Alert further proof that the long term implications of drugs/procedures must be fully considered ......

Over the past few years more money has been spent on breast and penis implants, and Viagra than on Alzheimer's. In a few years we will have a lot of people running around with huge breasts and long penises and they won't remember what to do with them.

.... so plan accordingly!

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life"?

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.