Medical Charts : All of the comments you are about to read were taken directly off of their Medical Charts.

* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

* On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.

* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

* Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

* Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

* The patient refused autopsy.

* The patient has no previous history of suicides.

* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

* Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.

* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

* Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.

* She is numb from her toes down.

* While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

* The skin was moist and dry.

* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

* Patient was alert and unresponsive.

* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

* Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.

* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

* The patient was to have a bowel resection.

* However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

* Skin: somewhat pale but present.

* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

The shopkeeper is a little surprised that such a young man would be needing a hearing aid, but he has him sit down and proceeds with the examination. Attempting to look into the ear, he is faced with a wad of cheesy material oozing out. Using an instrument, he carefully removes this material, thinking "Oh my, this young man must have a serious infection."

Once he reaches the end of the cheesy layer, he comes upon a reddish impacted mass. "Oh lord! This is more serious than I thought!" he thinks. Using a syringe and water, he gently flushes out this dried ichor, leaving an ugly red liquid in the drainage tray.

Again he probes the ear with the scope to insure that all the material is removed, but he spies a glutenous mass covering the eardrum. Using forceps and the greatest of care, he snips at the edge of the mass and pulls it out of the ear canal.

A close examination after this reveals the perfect ear of a twenty year old man.

"Young man, I don't think you need a hearing aid." pronounces the shopkeeper, wiping his brow.

"What?" snarls the young man.

"I said 'YOU DON'T NEED A HEARING AID. There's no charge.'"

"Are you sure? Do you expect a tip?" the man responds in an agitated tone.

"No. No tip required. You are a lucky young man."

"Good." the man remarks as he walks out the door. "That's a helluva lot better attitude than that fuckin pizza delivery driver had."

Dr. Leroy, head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're ready to re-enter society.

"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies; "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that.

In addition, I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."

Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

Dentist

A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

A young girl hadn't been feeling well, so she went to her family doctor.

The doctor ran some tests and then told her she was pregnant.

The girl said, "I can't be! The only men I've been around are nudists from my colony and we only practice sex with our eyes."

A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed.

He told his playmate, "I'll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery."

On the day he was admitted his mother asked, "Doctor, could you please circumcise him while he is asleep?"

The Doctor agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several days.

After about a week he got to see his playmate again.

The playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon.

A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into the private room the doctor says to the patient, "What seems to be the problem?"

The patient answers, "You have to promise not to laugh." The doctors said fine, and the patient pulls down his pants and the doctor tried not to laugh at his small dick. The doctor managed to ask, "What's the problem?"

As he is walking out he notices a guy pretending to be swinging a hockey stick.

Curious, he asks: What are you doing?

The guy replies: I'm Wayne Gretzky, and I'm practicing my shot. Satisfied with the answer the visitor moves on down the hall.

He notices another guy pretending to be playing golf. Curious, he asks: What are you doing?

The guy replies: I'm Tiger woods and I'm practicing my golf. Satisfied with this response the visitor again moves on down the hall.

He then sees another guy sitting in a chair in the nude with a jar of peanuts beside him. This guy takes a peanut, places it on his dick, waits a minute, then flicks into his mouth.

Phil was mystified because he felt great but everyone he met told him he looked terrible.

After several weeks of this, he decided to see Dr. Shwartz.

The good doctor listened to Phil's symptoms and then went to his imposing shelf of medical books.

Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss Hottwot."

Miss Hottwot: "Well, give me the good news first, Doc."

Doctor: "Your lab tests came back today, and your crabs are all gone."news?"

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.

The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are
there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.

But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up.

As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

Medical / Sex Facts

1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile. (But who cares?)

2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world ... it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.

3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.

4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous fizzle.

5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.

6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipulations, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.

7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the Marines.

8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face. (For whom? )

9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check your insurance policy.

10."Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal response to immense orgasm.

11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance counsellor.

12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.

13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if it belongs to your partner.

14. You know that you've had too much sex when your life begins to flash before your eyes.

15. You know I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash before my eyes.

16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in demand.

17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.

18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head (wear a hat during sex).

19. Sex on an inclined surface (an anthill, for example) builds endurance.

20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven seconds or four to seven feet.

21. 1970 FDA approves spray-on Vaseline.

22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.

23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 10,000 strokes.

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.

"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

Old Paddy Murphy took his wife to the hospital to have a baby. After waiting for a while in the waiting area, Paddy picked up the hospital house phone, called the
doctor and said, "hello, this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?"

The doctor answered, "You are thefather of a fine baby boy, but hold on because it's not all over yet."

After about a half hour, Paddy called the doctor back and asked, "Hello, this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?"

The doctor answered, "You're the father of twins, a boy and a girl, but hold on because it's not all over yet."

After another half hour, Paddy called back and asked,"Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?"

The doctor ansered, "You're the father of triplets -- two boys and a girl. It's not all over yet, but it's slowing down, so why don't you go get something to eat; I'll be here all night."

So Paddy went to a pub and got himself six shots of good Irish whiskey which he washed down with six pints of Guiness. He then went over to the phone, somewhat
unsteadily, and called the doctor at the hospital -- or thought he did.

Actually, he misdialed, and dialed thelocal cricket club. When the person answered, Paddy asked,"Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?"