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Author Topic: Sports Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2007 11:06 AM                        Rated G Becky THE PENALTY BOX Still not grasping just how important hockey was to my new husband, I plunked myself down next to him on the couch while he watched a game and began to chat. After being shushed a few times, I gave him a look. Immediately contrite, he picked up the remote. "I'm sorry, honey," he apologized, "I'm being rude. You go ahead and talk -- I'll just turn up the volume."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2007 08:59 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Because the play-offs were closing in, my son Danny's high-school football team practiced daily. At the end of each practice, his coach would ask one player to pick an exercise they hadn't done that day. With snow falling heavily one blustery November afternoon, Danny was chosen. He looked around at his tired teammates and called out, “Snow angels!” Immediately his coach yelled, “All right, men, drop and give me ten good snow angels!” And 45 young men dropped without hesitation.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-15-2007 08:58 AM                        Rated G Lorraine We were camping with our three young children. After supper one evening my husband took our two small boys, Danny and Josh, fishing, while my daughter and I cleaned up the campsite. About an hour later Danny came running up from the lake screaming: “Mom! Mom! Josh caught a fish as long as his leg!” From a nearby campsite an interested voice called, “How big is Josh?”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-15-2007 09:00 AM                        Rated G Lorraine One day we were boating with a few friends and my husband decided to try out our new water skis. When he asked who would spot for him, we all assured him, “Don't worry, there are three adults here.” Soon we were roaring down the bay, chatting away at full speed. When my six-year-old son broke in with, “Where's Daddy?” we looked back, but my husband was nowhere to be seen. Now he only lets the kids spot for him.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-15-2007 09:06 AM                        Rated G Lorraine After hitting his 7th ball into the water on the 4th hole, a father turns to his son and says, "It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2007 02:29 PM                        Rated G George The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand- grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour. I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ....... and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!" "Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!" "No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!" The old lady pauses, then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2007 04:48 PM                        Rated G B.B. A fellow, who frequently left the office to play golf, instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk. After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk. "Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "Is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2007 03:12 PM                        Rated G Lorraine I was amazed but pleased when my most unathletic daughter, Lucy, arrived home from fifth grade sports day with a "First" blue ribbon. I told her how proud I was of her and asked what race she had run to win a first-place ribbon. "It was a relay race, Mom," she replied. I asked what position she had run. "Oh, I didn’t run," she answered. "I was the pole our team ran around.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-14-2007 03:21 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Halfway through the baseball season, one of the youngsters I coach still hadn't been on base. But in one game he finally managed to reach first base. Two batters later he was standing on third. I thought it would be a good time to review some theory. I leaned over and asked him to tell me which base he was on. He looked intently across at first base, turned to observe second and then stared down at his feet. He looked up at me triumphantly and announced, "This one!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2007 12:43 PM                        Rated G Ken Mort Sahl sympathized with football widows. When one woman asked him how she could get her husband's attention away from the TV set, he said, "Wear something sheer." "What if that doesn't work?" she asked. "Then put a number on your back," Sahl replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2007 01:02 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A man came to work one day, limping noticeably. One of his co- workers noticed and asked him what happened. "Oh, nothing." he replied, "It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while." Impressed, his coworker said, "Wow! I never knew you played hockey." "I don't," came the reply. "I hurt it last year when my team lost the Stanley Cup playoffs. I put my foot through the television."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-08-2007 07:01 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that? " The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker andsays, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2007 04:54 PM                        Rated G By the editor's of Men's Health 1. "Good luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." —Darrell Royal, former University of Texas football coach 2. "If anything goes bad, I did it. If anything goes good, we did it. If anything goes really good, then you did it. That's all it takes to get people to win." —Paul "Bear" Bryant, former University of Alabama football coach 3. "I've had smarter people around me all my life, but I haven't run into one yet that can outwork me. And if they can't outwork you, then smarts aren't going to do them much good. That's just the way it is. And if you believe that and live by it, you'd be surprised at how much fun you can have." —Woody Hayes, former Ohio State football coach 4. "Courage is not the absence of fear, but simply moving on with dignity despite that fear." —Pat Riley, Miami Heat coach 5. "Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in." —Casey Stengel, former New York Yankees and Mets manager 6. "If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?" —John Wooden, former UCLA men's basketball coach 7. "Pressure is a word that is misused in our vocabulary. When you start thinking of pressure, it's because you've started to think of failure." —Tommy Lasorda, former L.A. Dodgers manager 8. "If what you did yesterday seems big, you haven't done anything today." —Lou Holtz, former University of South Carolina and Notre Dame football coach 9. "The key is not the will to win... everybody has that. It is the will to prepare to win that is important." —Bobby Knight, Texas Tech men's basketball coach 10. "Today, you have 100 percent of your life left." —Tom Landry, former Dallas Cowboys coach 11. "The superior man blames himself. The inferior man blames others." —Don Shula, former Miami Dolphins coach 12. "Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good." —Joe Paterno, Penn State football coach 13. "You can learn a line from a win and a book from a defeat." —Paul Brown, former Cincinnati Bengals coach 14. "Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire." —Fred Shero, former Philadelphia Flyers coach 15. "The key step for an infielder is the first one, but before the ball is hit." —Earl Weaver, former Baltimore Orioles manager 16. "It's not whether you got knocked down. It's whether you get back up." —Vince Lombardi, former Green Bay Packers coach 17. "Statistics are like loose women. Once you get them, they let you do what you want with them." —Walt Michaels, former New York Jets coach 18. "Talent is God-given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful." —John Wooden, former UCLA men's basketball coach  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2008 04:18 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Yogi Berra was famed for his verbal bloopers. After a streaker took to the field during a game one day, Berra was asked about the perpetrator's gender. "I don't know," he replied. "Their face was covered by a bag."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2008 02:34 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A horse trainer was giving last-minute instructions to his jockey when he appeared to slip something into the horse's mouth just as a steward walked by. "What was that?" inquired the steward. "Oh nothing," said the trainer, "Just a polo." He offered one to the steward and had one himself. After the suspicious steward left the scene, the trainer continued with his instructions “Just keep on the rail,” he said “You are on a sure thing. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me."  |  IP: Logged

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