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Topic: Sports
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-03-2003 11:36 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Suposedly True - I'm not sure?
Even if you aren't a skier,you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:
A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.
Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room.
He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.
He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters.
With time running out,the woman weighed her options. Her husband,picking up on the intensity of the pain,suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit,she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her,"The white will provide more than adequate camouflage."
So she headed for the tree line,began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing.If you've ever parked on the side of a slope,then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.
Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments.
Without warning,the woman found herself skiing backward,out-of-control,racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare,her pants down around her knees,and she was picking up speed all the while.She continued backwards,totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol.
They transported her to a hospital.While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes!
There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants.I leaned over to get a better look and fellout of the lift."
"So, how'd you break your arm?" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-04-2003 09:29 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Yank's Sign Everyone in BASEBALL
NEW YORK-With a week to go before pitchers and catchers report for spring training, the New York Yankees shored up their pitching, hitting, and defense Monday by signing every player in professional baseball.
Above: Some of the New York Yankees' newest additions are introduced to the press.
"We'd like to welcome the entire roster of Major League Baseball into the Yankees family," said team owner George Steinbrenner, watching as the franchise's 928 newest additions held up their pinstripes at a Yankee Stadium press conference. "With these acquisitions, we are in position to finally nab that elusive 27th World Series title."
Sports reporters were not surprised by the move.
"This is not entirely unexpected," New York Times baseball writer Murray Chass said. "When the Yankees followed up their signing of Japanese slugger Hideki 'Godzilla' Matsui by annexing Cuba for use as a Triple-A farm club, it was clear that Steinbrenner was willing to do whatever it takes to win."
By noon, Yankees GM Brian Cashman had signed the entire National League and most of the American League to multi-year contracts. Some 10 hours later, the final opposing player, Texas Rangers shortstop Alex Rodriguez, had been acquired by the Yankees, who bought out the remainder of his $252 million contract for $300 million.
"It's an honor to be part of this team," said catcher Benito Santiago, picked up from the San Francisco Giants as insurance in case catchers Jorge Posada, Ivan Rodriguez, and Mike Piazza all go down with injuries. "It's a surprise, certainly, but I'd be crazy to turn down the opportunity to play on what is, by default, the greatest team in baseball."
Yankees manager Joe Torre, whose pitching rotation, prior to the mass signing, lacked a clear seventh ace, now has the luxury of starting each of his hurlers twice a season.
"As they say, you can never have enough pitching in this league," Torre said. "Especially come playoff time. Now, if we make it to the World Series, we'll be able to start Pedro Martinez in Game 1 and still have him fresh and ready to go for a Game 287, should it be necessary."
With so many egos to juggle and so many personnel decisions to make, Torre said his job will actually be harder this season, the lack of opposing players notwithstanding.
"Hey, I don't care who you've got on your team; winning in this league is tough-Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, and Randy Johnson or no Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, and Randy Johnson," Torre said. "And it's even tougher in New York. This is a baseball town, and some of these fans think the Yankees are the only team in baseball. Now that we truly are, the pressure to win will be that much greater."
The mass signing, extravagant even by Yankees standards, caused the Bronx Bombers' payroll to skyrocket from a former league high of $149 million to $5.6 billion. Cashman noted that much of that figure is tied up in bonuses to be paid out to pitcher Tom Glavine, who at 37 will almost certainly not play out the entirety of his 15-year contract.
Baseball commissioner Bud Selig approved the signing, noting that the other 29 major-league teams received ample financial compensation.
"I see no reason why a small-market team like the Twins or Expos can't continue to remain competitive, just because it lacks players," Selig said. "The league was due for contraction, anyway."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-07-2003 06:28 AM
Rated G Sue Bee
On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a
race horse with him to add to the starting line-up.
The coach asks, "What did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At
this point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down.
They stare at the horse.
The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward
home plate, when astonishingly the horse hits the ball deep in the
outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then
yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could
run, he'd be at Belmont!"
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