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Author Topic: Sports Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2003 07:28 AM                        Rated G Hank in Simi A Green Bay Packer fan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical Packer sized baby boy weighing 25 pounds! Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Packer sized baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened, he weighed 25 pounds at birth?" The Packer fan father takes a slow swig from his long-neck MGD, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-21-2003 09:21 AM                        Rated PG Michele Signs You're Watching Too Much Football 10. Before sex, you flip a coin to see who will receive. 9. You've been banned from the A&P for spiking melons. 8. To feel closer to some of your favorite players, you tear the cartilage in your knee. 7. The kids bring home a good report card and you dump Gatorade on 'em. 6. Most humans: 75% water, you: 75% chip dip. 5. During sex, you use a play clock. 4. You pay $22 million to have Deion Sanders shovel off your driveway. 3. For the last two months,you've been wearing nothing but a cup. 2. You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden. 1. After sex, you go for the 2-point conversion.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-22-2003 01:35 PM                        Subject: FOOTBALL SEASON IS HERE -- BONE UP ON YOUR KNOWLEDGE WITH THIS STIMULATING QUESTIONNAIRE. (1) What does the average Missouri football player get on his SATs? -----Drool. (2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? -----A full set of teeth. (3) How do you get a Wisconsin Badger cheerleader into your dorm room? -----Grease her hips and push like hell. (4) How do you get a Oklahoma State graduate off your porch?-----Pay him for the pizza. (5) Why do the Nebraska cheerleaders wear bibs? -----To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms. (6) Why is the Illinois football team like a possum? -----Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road. (7) What are the longest three years of a Texas football player's life? -----His freshman year. (8) How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? -----None . . . That's a sophomore course at Mississippi. (9) Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco? -----Lexington, Kentucky. He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner. AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash . . .) (10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color ? -----You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 01:09 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee As a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. Bob,a fellow coach,was talking about one such player,who called him at home one night. When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away. "Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?" The flustered kid replied, "Three."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2003 11:04 AM                        Rated G Denny In Yonkers FOOTBALL A boy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh,I really liked it," she said,"especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles,but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." Dumbfounded,her date asked,"What on earth do you mean?" "Well,I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:"Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"  |  IP: Logged Scott Norwood Film God Posts: 8146 From: Boston, MA. USA (1774.21 miles northeast of Dallas) Registered: Jun 99 posted 11-06-2003 07:35 AM                        Rated G A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?" "The Red Sox." "Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too." "That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?" "No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 09:13 AM                        Rated G Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a dead nude body.  They stopped out of respect  and propriety.  The Cub fan took off his cap and placed it over her foot, the Yankee fan then took off his cap and placed it over her right  breast. Following their lead, the Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.  The police were then called and when the officer arrived, he conducted an investigation.  First he lifted up the Cubs cap,replaced it,and next,he lifted the Yankee cap,replaced it. The officer then lifted the Red Sox cap,replaced it,then lifted it again,replaced it,lifted it a third time,and replaced it one last time.  The RedSox fan was getting upset and finally asked,"What are you doing,why do you keep lifting up my cap and looking,lifting and  looking?" The officer replied,"Normally when I look under a Red Sox cap, I find an  asshole."  |  IP: Logged Scott Norwood Film God Posts: 8146 From: Boston, MA. USA (1774.21 miles northeast of Dallas) Registered: Jun 99 posted 11-20-2003 07:40 AM                        Rated G OAKLAND, (CA) -- Oakland Raiders football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Bill Callahan immediately suspended practice and called the police and federal investigators. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-20-2003 11:51 AM                        Rated G The NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had to eliminate a team from the league. So they deceided to combine the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Green Bay Packers and form one team. They will be known as the Tampacks. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2003 09:15 PM                        Rated G blue_meanie ESPN and COURT TV are working together to create a new channel. It will make it easier for you to follow the careers of all your favorite athletes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 02:37 PM                        Rated G Catholic horses Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern,the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead,eyes,ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent he had, and watched in horror as the horse came in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded.He made his way to the track and when he found the priest,he demanded an explanation! "What happened,Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race,you blessed a horse and he lost.Now I've lost my life savings,thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said,"That's the problem with you Protestants,you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-05-2003 12:16 PM                        Rated G The best bet for a player to make is what is called a "Mind Bet". You stand behind the game watch the action and attempt to predict the winner. You never bet any real money you only bet in your mind. Last week a friend of mine lost his mind three times.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-17-2003 09:37 AM                        Rated G Janine I was the new coach of a Little League baseball team and had not yet learned the names of my players. At our first game I called each boy by the number on his uniform. When I yelled, "Number 5 your time to bat." Jeff Smith came to the plate. When I called for"Number 7", Steve Heinz jumped up. Then I yelled for "Number 1,"but no one emerged from the dugout.Again I called for Number 1...still no one came forward. As the umpire looked on, annoyed at this delay of the game,I shouted; "Who's Number 1?" That's when the whole team yelled, "We are,Coach!We are!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-18-2003 09:01 AM                        Rated G Michele Major League Baseball said Thursday all players will be tested for steroids next year. The drug increases muscle, shrinks testicles and enlarges male breast size. The commissioner had to do something before Barry Bonds breaks Dolly Parton's record.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-31-2003 08:08 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Once,on a very windy day,a rabbi was on his way to the temple. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his fur hat off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He could not catch up with it.  A young man, a gentile, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat, caught it and handed it over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so happy and grateful that he gave the man five dollars and put his hand on the man's head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about the tip and the blessing and decided to go to the racetrack and bet his 5 unexpected dollars. After the races the young man returns home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. "I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man, "looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of 'Top Hat' running. The odds on the horse were 100 to 1... the longest shot in the field. Having received the rabbi's blessing and the 5 dollars and thinking of the rabbi's hat and the horse's name being Top Hat I thought this was a message from God, so I bet the entire 5 dollars on this horse. An amazing thing happened, the horse that was the longest shot in the field and who did not have the slightest chance to even show came in first by 5 lengths." "You must have made a fortune," said the father."Yes, $500, but wait, it gets better," replied the son.  "On the following race, I looked at the program.  A horse by the name of Stetson was running.  The odds on the horse were 30 to 1.  Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse." "What happened?"  asked the excited father. "The horse Stetson won and I collected big money." "You mean you brought home all this money?" asked his excited father. "No," said the son, "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named 'Chateau' so I bet all the money on it because the horse was the heavy favorite and the name also means hat in French and it all started with the rabbi's hat. But the horse broke down and came in last." "Hat in French is 'Chapeau' not 'Chateau'. said the father. You lost all that money because of your ignorance. Tell me who won the race anyway?" "A long shot Japanese horse named 'Yamaka'.  |  IP: Logged

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