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Author Topic: Sports Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-22-2003 07:56 AM                        Rated G Alex A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted,he picked up the ball and said again,"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more,"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it.He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 09:38 AM                        Rated G Lorraine "I'll moider da bum." - Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 03:58 PM                        Rated G "I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee." -- Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-21-2003 07:23 AM                        Rated G : B.B. Fishy Definitions FISHING: a jerk at one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the other end. FISH-WRAPPER: Newspaper. SMELT: A highly edible fish, truly delicious, that should go to court and get its name changed. ANGLER: A guy who, first of all, lies in wait for a fish, then lies in weight after he lands it. A sign recently seen in the rear window of a fisherman's car: 'Warning... Fishing Pox. Very contagious to adult males.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2003 06:47 AM                        Rated G Michele On the CBS "Sunday Morning" TV show one week, in honor of Super Bowl Sunday, comic Bill Geist visited a nudist camp to tape its own Super Bowl football game. The producers went through the entire tape placing the obligatory fuzzy blob over specific anatomical exposures, but otherwise the game was pure football - in the nude. The commentator explained that they had one primary rule. Since this was "flag" football, not "tag," he said, "If you grab something that doesn't come off in three seconds, please let go."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2003 06:59 AM                        Rated G Janine COACH: Elmer, you can be the end, guard, and tackle. ELMER: That's great, coach! COACH: Yes, sit at the end of the bench, guard the water bucket, and tackle anyone who gets near it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2003 07:01 AM                        Rated G Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said., "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades.... somebody is going to get a spanking...."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-25-2003 09:12 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Melvin from Texas A & M was playing football very badly. He tried to kick a goal and missed.Finally,He threw himself down on the bench and said in disgust,"Boy, I could just kick myself." The coach looked the other way."Don't bother," he said,"you'd probably miss."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-25-2003 12:16 PM                        Rated G Michele Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names 19. Brussels Sprouts 18. Cannes Openers 17. Amsterdam Yankees 16. Vienna Sausages 15. Belgium Waffles 14. Manila Folders 13. Czech Bouncers 12. New Dehli Catessans 11. Buenos Airheads 10. Guadalajara Krishnas 9. Iraqi Raccoons 8. Bolivia DeHavillands 7. Seoul Brothers 6. Taipei Personalities 5. Syria Killers 4. Hungary Jacks 3. Dublin Mint Twins 2. Prague Tologists 1. Peking Toms:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-26-2003 06:22 AM                        Rated G Lorraine I went fishing and caught a 120-pound bluefish." Second fisherman: "I was fishing from a boat when my line snagged an old pirate ship.In working my line free,I brought up an old ship's lantern, and the candle was still lit!" First fisherman, "I'll take a hundred pounds off my bluefish if you blow out that candle!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2003 03:16 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Top Ten Proposed New Baseball Rules 10. New rule: catch a foul ball, win the salary of the guy who hit it. 9. Extra outs for every person on your team named "Mookie," "Scooter," or "Pee Wee". 8. Knock out beer vendor with ball and you automatically win the game. 7. Infield chatter must be in the form of a question. 6. Remember Babe Ruth? Well, how about some more of them ball playin' fat dudes? 5. No more keeping your eye on the ball. 4. Goodbye Gatorade, hello Riunite. 3. All players must squat like a catcher for the entire game. 2. Instead of the National Anthem, sing "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" before every game. And Finally,The Number One Proposed New Baseball Rule 1. 9 players, 8 uniforms:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2003 03:51 AM                        Rated G Sports Quotes 1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me." 2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." 3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, "Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." 4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." 5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." 6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful) 7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle." 8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." 9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." 10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." 11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January) 12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach,I don't know and I don't care.'" 13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." 14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good- bye."  |  IP: Logged Rachel Craven Madam Moderator Posts: 2190 From: Pensacola, FL Registered: Dec 2000 posted 10-16-2003 12:04 PM                     Rated G In light of the current Red Sox/Yankee playoffs... There is a Yankee fan, a Red Sox fan, a Mets fan and a Braves fan climbing up to the top of a mountain talking about how loyal they are to their team and how they would do anything for them. Once they reach the top of the mountain, the Braves fans screams, "THIS IS FOR THE BRAVES" and jumps off. The Mets fan screams "THIS IS FOR THE METS" and he too jumps off the mountain. Finally the Red Sox fan screams, "THIS IS FOR EVERYONE" and pushes the Yankee fan off.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-16-2003 05:17 PM                        Rated G See Joke above Then Read Here Yes , its true the Met Fan Jumped, and after a bit of free fall he saw the Red Sox fan push the Yankee fan off the cliff. So he guided himself over and caught the Yankee Fan. He then opened his parachute and they both returned to terra ferma. Realizing that the only way the Red Sox Fan could be sure his team would win, the poor dupas thought he had eliminated the competition. He/She was so proud of what she had done she started to brag about it to all her friends. She was quickly informed that the two New Yorkers had survived and were to throw out the first ball at the Magnificent Ball Park in the BRONX. The rest is History.......Yankee's won, Boston is looking to make a return trip on the Mayflower. Plymouth Rock, anyone?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-17-2003 10:53 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Just in case we need to remember how bad it can be... here are 20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship: 1. Radio was invented. (Cubs fans get to hear their team lose) 2. TV was invented. (Cubs fans get to see their team lose) 3. Baseball added 14 teams. (Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs) 4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th,70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays. 5. Halley's comet passed Earth - twice. 6. Harry Caray was born... and died. Incredible, but true! 7. The NBA, NHL, NFL, IHL, and ISL were formed. (Each of those Chicago teams have each won championships) 8. Man landed on the moon. (As have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers) 9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected. 10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution. 11. Prohibition was created and repealed. 12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered, and became the subject of major motion pictures.The latter giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top. 13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League. 14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants.(Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down) 15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympic games have been held. 16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown. (Several thanked Cubs pitchers) 17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style, and came back in. 18. The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series. 19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games.(They lost the majority of them) 20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma, and New Mexico were added to the Union. Go Cubs!  |  IP: Logged

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