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Author Topic: Sports Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2004 07:18 AM                        Rated PG Hockey Terminology Every Fan Should Know Wraparound--Visors worn by Europeans which piss off Don Cherry. Blueline-- Mark on ribcage from leaning over bar, replaying game. Redline-- Mark on new sweater from leaning over Wet Paint sign at penalty bench. Net-- The 25% which goes to winner of 50-50 draw. Zamboni-- Machine used to fill arena with noxious, poison fumes. Deke-- "The Enforcer"--leads league in PIMs. PIMs-- Rating system for unskilled players. Offside-- Hitting on the team owner's daughter. Pass-- See Offside. Score-- See Offside--Also see "Traded". Jock-- Scot who enjoys a wee dram before, during and after game. Boarding-- What a new player to town does until after having his first team party. Rink-- Weekend hangout for parents. Bodycheck-- Test rink boards, glass, for durability. Slapshot-- Movie poking fun at Canada's national past-time. Hooking-- What the gal in the thigh-length boots up in Section 14 does for a living. Shoot-- What religious kids say after missing wide-open net. #@$%&#-- What religious kids say after missing net in Week 2 of season. Scoreboard-- Place for annoying company signs and logos. Overtime-- Bar where players drink for free after closing time so owner can feel important. Stanley Cup-- Trophy awarded to championship team just prior to opening of training camp. Europeans-- Skilled players who refuse to watch Coaches Corner. Gross Misconduct-- The sometimes carryings on of very rich role models. Play by Play-- Break between TV commercials. Instant Replay-- New electronic means to prove on-ice officials' incompetence. Predators (1)-- ANOTHER damned Yankee team....from Peoria, or Portland, or.... Predators (2)-- Agents. Original Six-- Pre-inflation case of Red Cap ale; now called a Two- Four. Puck-- Nickname for the millionaire who sold Gretzky to millionaire now in jail. Penalty Box-- Good place for TV closeups of players mouthing the "F" word at each other.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 12:21 PM                        Rated G Baseball In Heaven There were two old men who had loved baseball all of their life. They had grown up in the same town where they played together thru grade school,high school and then college. After college they didn't have the skill for professional ball so they learned to be umpires in order to stay around the game. They started in the minors and being very good umpires soon moved on to the majors where they umpired for many years. After they retired,they continued to umpire for youth ball like little league. However, as they grew older and older, they started to worry about what it would be like after they died. Would there be baseball after death??? Finaly they made a pact. The first one to die would, if at all possible, come back immediately and tell the other about baseball after death. Finaly Joe died and went to Heaven.After much argument he convinced St. Peter to let him return in a dream to his friend Fred and this conversation ensued: Joe: "Fred, I made it to heaven and I have both good news and bad news" Fred: "Well, what is the good news" Joe: "We don't have to worry about baseball any more. There is all kinds up here. We can umpire from sand lot ball to the major leagues. In fact I have 3rd base tomorrow night" Fred: "THAT'S GREAT!! What could possibly be bad news after that?" Joe: "You have the plate!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 12:27 PM                        Rated G The baseball season is fast approaching and the Mudville Sliders decided to call a press conference. During that meeting, I overheard some unusual comments: Andy ( writer for Sam's Sports Page): "Will you have the same team as last year, considering you only won 42 games?" Josh(Mudville Manager):"We plan to make a few changes but it has nothing to do with our win/loss record.Thinking of getting rid of one of our pitchers,our right-fielder and our 1st baseman." Andy: "That's quite a few.Could you please tell our readers the reason for these changes?" Josh: "Well,it's simple.We can't afford to tarnish the team's reputation.The pitcher hit one of the other team's batters in each of the last 8 games.He never was provoked.The 1st baseman got caught stealing 3rd base five times last season. What will people think? As for the right-fielder,I might give him a second chance;but all he could really catch last year,was a cold."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2004 01:49 PM                        Rated G Michele Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.  |  IP: Logged Steven Privett Expert Film Handler Posts: 208 From: Pasadena, TX, USA Registered: Dec 2000 posted 01-21-2004 03:54 PM                    HOUSTON TRAFFIC RULES FOR PEOPLE VISITING DURING SUPER BOWL XXXVIII, FEBRUARY 1, 2004 1. You must learn to pronounce the name of the city. It is "Hue-stun," not "Ewe-ston," and definitely not "How-ston." The street named San Felipe is pronounced "San fe-LEE-pay," not "San Fi-LEEP" or "San Fay-LEE-pee." 2. Forget any traffic rules you learned anywhere else. Houston has its own version of traffic rules. They are called "Hold On And Pray." There is no such thing as a high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that. 3. All directions start with "Go down to Loop 610," which has no beginning and no end. 4. You have the East, Katy, Southwest, North, South, Northwest, and Eastex freeways, which are actually I-10 East, I-10 West, 59 North, 59 South, I-45 North, I-45 South, and 290, but not in that order. Your job is to figure out which one you really want to get on, without any signs to tell you. God help you if you are in the wrong lane, or you will go around Loop 610 again, which is an endless circle. 5. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic "a"scenic drive." It is if you love seeing wrecks and people risking their lives changing tires, running through pot holes, slamming on your brakes to avoid a collision, having people cut you off, seeing alot of people's middle fingers, and exhaust fumes. 6. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. The noon-hour rush is 11:00 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. The evening rush hour is 2:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m., sometimes 9:00 p.m. (or 3 a.m. during floods, which we call "ponding"). The teenagers take the streets from 9:00 p.m. through 5:00 a.m., and Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning. 7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you WILL be rear ended, or at least cussed out, and/or possibly shot. When you are the first off the starting line, count to 5 before moving when the light turns green, to avoid being "T-boned" by crossing traffic. 8. Construction on every freeway, loop, and tollway in the city is a permanent form of entertainment as well as a source of delays. 9. Kuykendahl Road can be pronounced ONLY by a native Houstonian. (It is pronounced "Kirk-n-doll.") 10. All unexplained smells are accompanied by the phrase "Oh, we must be near Pasadena." 11. If someone actually has his turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect and should be ignored. 12. All Suburbans have the right-of-way, unless you are driving an 18-wheeler or perhaps a Bradley tank. 13. The minimum acceptable speed limit on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Otherwise, you will be stopped by Houston's Finest for impeding the flow of traffic. 14. The wrought-iron bars on windows in East Houston are NOT ornamental. 15. Never look at the driver of a car with a bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. 16. If you are in the left lane, and going only 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, the people who are passing you are not really waving at you. 17. If it is 100 degrees outside, then January 1st must be next weekend. 18. The Sam Houston Toll Road is Houston's daily version of a NASCAR race. 19. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to the state of Louisiana. 20. Don't get on Main Street unless you really WANT to be on Main Street. Left turns and right turns are not allowed between the South Loop and Dallas (that's Dallas, Texas, not Dallas Street). 21. Don't get sick or injured. There are no parking spaces in the Texas Medical Center for anyone but doctors. 22. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off the freeways. Just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify the Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built in the first place. Y'ALL ENJOY YOUR STAY IN HOUSTON, AND COME BACK REAL SOON NOW, Y'HEAR?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2004 09:33 AM                        Rated G Fred and Bill were on a fishing trip. They had eaten their evening meal and were sitting by the camp fire yarning and having a drink. Bill got up and walked into the darkness to answer a call of nature. After a minute or two he called out to Fred, 'Fred, have you ever smoked a cigarette that's been pissed on?' Fred pondered on this and answered, 'No, I can't say I have.' There was silence for a while and Bill said,'You haven't missed much.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2004 01:01 PM                        Rated G Michele Top 10 New Baseball Rules 10. New rule: catch a foul ball, win the salary of the guy who hit it. 9. Extra outs for every person on your team named "Mookie," "Scooter," or "Pee Wee" 8. Knock out beer vendor with ball and you automatically win the game. 7. Infield chatter must be in the form of a question 6. Remember Babe Ruth? Well, how about some more of them ball playin' fat dudes? 5. No more keeping your eye on the ball. 4. Goodbye Gatorade, hello Riunite. 3. All players must squat like a catcher for the entire game. 2. Instead of the National Anthem, sing "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" before every game. And Finally, The Number One Proposed New Baseball Rule 1. 9 players, 8 uniforms.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2004 11:26 AM                        Rated G One time when Michigan State was playing UCLA in football, the score was tied at 14 with only seconds to play.Duffy Daugherty, Michigan State's coach, sent in place-kicker Dave Kaiser who booted a field goal that won the game. When the kicker returned to the bench, Daugherty said,"Nice going, but you didn't watch the ball after you kicked it." "That's right,Coach," Kaiser replied,"I was watching the referee instead to see how he'd signal it.I forgot my contact lenses, and I couldn't see the goal posts."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2004 09:39 AM                        Rated G Fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks: "Any luck?" "Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday," he boasts. "Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger. "Nope." "Well, meet the new game warden." "Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?" "Nope." "Meet the biggest liar in the state."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2004 10:31 AM                        Rated G The NHL postseason begins. What does a hockey player call that round thing he slaps around for three periods with his stick? His opponent's face.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 05:22 AM                        Rated G When Fishermen Meet... "Hiyamac" "Lobuddy" "Binearlong?" "Coplours" "Cetchenny?" "Goddafew" "Kindarthay?" "Bassencarp" "Ennysizetoom?" "Couplapowns" "Hittinhard?" "Sordalike" "Wachoosen?" "Gobbawurms" "Fishanonaboddum?" "Rydononaboddum" "Igoddago" "Tubad" "Seeyaroun" "Yeahtakideezy" "Guluck"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2004 07:30 AM                        Rated G On a beautiful sunny day, I set out with five other young women to go water-skiing on a nearby lake. After launching our boat, we skimmed around and stopped in the middle of the lake to get ready for skiing. The motor failed to start again, however, and we were stranded. After we had drifted for a couple of hours, a fisherman finally came by and noticed our plight. He pulled alongside our boat and attached a towline. As we headed for shore, he looked back at the six of us, all clad in bikinis, and exclaimed, "Wait till my wife sees this catch!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-23-2004 01:32 PM                        Rated G The Royal Oak Golf Club is the most exclusive in Columbia Maryland. There are no minority members, nor anyone whose money doesn't go back many generations. One day a fellow from Boston tried to get into a game. "I'll have you know my family came over before the Mayflower. I can trace my ancestry back to William the Conqueror and no one in my family has ever lifted a finger to work." The club secretary frowned, and said, "OK, but just this one time - - and only for nine holes."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2004 01:52 PM                        Rated G Michele Another college football poll is out. When an Ohio State player holds his index finger high into the air, it can only mean one thing. Somebody asked him how many classes he's taking.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2004 07:34 PM                        Rated G Michele ESPN and COURT TV are working together to create a new channel. It will make it easier for you to follow the careers of all your favorite athletes.  |  IP: Logged

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