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Author Topic: Sports Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-19-2005 08:58 AM                        Rated G A football coach was asked how he picked a team from a bunch of raw recruits. "I hate to give away my secrets," he replied, "but I'll tell you. I take them out into the woods. Then, at a given signal, I start them running. Those that run around the trees are chosen as guards. Those that run into the trees are chosen as tackles."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-19-2005 09:36 PM                        Rated G At the beginning of the new soft ball season, I noticed that my friend's teenage daughter was playing for the opposing slow-pitch team. I asked Denise why her daughter no longer played on the same team as the rest of the family. "Oh," she replied, "I guess she thought it was time to strike out on her own."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 07:05 AM                        Rated G AGGIE football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Coach Fran immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 04:43 PM                        Rated G My friend tells me he generally throws the fish back. I said "Why do you do that?" He replied, "If you catch a 3-pound fish and take it home, it's a 3-pound fish. If you throw it back, when you get home it's a 5-pound fish."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-25-2005 08:21 AM                        Rated G n 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only, home run.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2005 06:49 AM                        Rated G I have a problem with boxing. I don't understand any sport where a guy who makes $11 million is called "the loser."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2005 07:01 AM                        Rated G FOOTBALL HUDDLE The football huddle originated at Gallaudet University (the world's only accredited four-year liberal arts college for the deaf)in the 19th century when the football team found that opposing teams were reading their signed messages and intercepting plays.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2005 03:26 PM                        Rated G SPITTING IMAGE You know, at this time of year you can't turn on the TV without seeing an exciting playoff baseball game. And it's wonderful to watch these fabulous athletes pulling off fantastic plays. They can't help but be role models for kids all around the world who dream that they might grow up and be just like them. Did I say "grow up"? Wait a minute. Have you taken a good look at these players? Now remember. They are being paid millions of dollars to take part in these outings. And they constantly spit. They spit at bat. They spit on the pitcher's mound. They spit in the outfield. And, worst of all, they spit in the dugout. Even the managers and coaches spit in the dugout. Can you imagine what the floor of the dugout looks like at the end of a game? The guy that has to clean that mess up should be getting the million dollar paycheck. And what if this habit spreads to other sports? I'd hate to be riding at the rear of the pack in the Tour De France. Helmets would have to have little windshield wipers on them. And at the Olympics, who needs to add saliva to what's already swirling around in the swimming pools. Now it can be argued that baseball players spit in good taste, compared to what they could be doing. These are just tiny ejection's. It's not like the scene Leonardo Dicaprio played in Titanic, teaching Kate Winslet how to "hack louies." But still,is this what we want our youngsters growing up doing? Can you imagine this next generation running the country in 20 years? At the Board of Directors' meeting at the Petroleum Institute Distribution Council of North America, there will be 24- karat gold spittoons at everyone's feet. "Looks like it might rain today." (Pa-tooie.) "Yeah, I think we should raise crude oil prices if the roads get wet and it's hard for our drivers to deliver gas." (Ping.) "If it's windy, we can jump 'em again first thing in the morning." (Ka-plink.) "I think I'm getting a cold. Ahh-choo". (Splat.) "Oops. Sorry, George, about your shoe." Of course, we'll have to develop new skills. Baseball catchers are savvy enough to remember to lift up their masks before letting one go. I just hope my neurosurgeon can learn to do the same in the operating room. Freelance writer, Bob Daly  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 06:52 AM                        Rated G "Right here in New York City over the weekend two dozen sumo wrestlers were in town over at Madison Square Garden. It was nice to have the sumo wrestlers this time of the year in New York City. When the weather gets cool you just don't see enough shirtless fat guys." --Dave Letterman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 12:48 PM                        Rated G Hanging in the hallway at the High School are the basket- ball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year "62-63," "63-64," "64-65," etc. One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 11:45 AM                        Rated G In football everybody knows how rowdy the fans get. The vendors go up and down the aisles hollering, "Peanuts, popcorn, bandages..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 11:47 AM                        Rated G Tiger Woods was once introduced to pop diva Christina Aguilera. "Oh, Christina, I love your music," Tiger told her. "I have all your CDs." Christina’s reply? "Sorry, I don’t know much about you. I don’t follow tennis."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 12:36 PM                        Rated G "It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts." --John Wooden  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-08-2005 11:50 AM                        Rated PG A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different. Something unusual WAS about to happen. He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees. He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock. He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month. Threes - that was it! He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio! The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win. The son of a bitch finished 3rd.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2005 04:12 PM                        Rated PG The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs. The new team will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.  |  IP: Logged

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