my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Sports (Page 3)

This topic comprises 15 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  ...  13  14  15

Author Topic: Sports Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-08-2003 09:23 PM                        Rated G During a Southern Methodist-Notre Dame football game last year, the SMU people in Dallas yelled their lungs out. Nobody rooted harder than a Priest. During a break in the action, a fan seated next to him said, "Pardon me Father, but why aren't you cheering for Notre Dame, being a Catholic and all." "Son!" replied the Priest, "I'm first and foremost a Texan!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2003 03:57 PM                        Rated G Michele Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. "What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?" "Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-10-2003 06:20 AM                        Rated G "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-10-2003 06:32 AM                        Rated G "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Danny Ozark--Philadelphia Phillies Manager,  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-11-2003 10:26 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Asked the age of his two elderly pinch hitters Vie Davalillo and Manny Mota, Los Angeles manager Tommy Lasorda shrugged. "I don't know, but somebody told me they were waiters at the Last Supper."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2003 07:43 AM                        Rated G My brother,an avid NASCAR fan, traveled to a nearby raceway on a hot sunny day to watch his favorite driver. Finding his seat,my nearly bald brother sat down to enjoy the race. In therow behind him were two obviously drunk fans. One tapped my brother on the shoulder and with a slurred voice asked if he had a pair of sunglasses he could borrow. My brother said no and returned to the race. The second drunk tapped him on the shoulder a few moments later and wanted to borrow a cap. Irritated, my brother said that he had no cap. A couple of laps later my brother was again interrupted by the first drunk's tap on his shoulder. Focusing his watering eyes on my brother he said "Buddy, you're goin' have to do SOMETHING...the glare is killing us!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 05:53 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A rookie sat next to his manager and watched Roger Maris gun down a runner trying to go from first to third. "Kid, you won't see a throw like that again in a million years." Three innings later, Maris duplicated the feat. The rookie turned to the manager and said, "Time sure flies up here in the Majors."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 06:00 AM                        Rated G Lorraine When Joe Pepitone first came to the Cubs, he told manager Leo Durocher he was fast enough to steal. So the first time Pepitone reached first, Durocher decided to test him. First base coach Peanuts Lowery flashed the sign to Pepitone - a wink. Pepitone didn't budge. So Lowery winked again.Still,Pepitone stood pat. Again,Lowery winked. This time, Pepitone responded. He blew Lowery a kiss.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 06:25 AM                        Rated G Lorraine BASEBALL AND FOOTBALL (by George Carlin) Baseball is different from any other sport,very different.For instance,in most sports you score points or goals;in baseball you score runs.In most sports the ball,or object,is put in play by the offensive team;in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play,and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact,in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally,he's out;sometimes unintentionally,he's out. Also:in football,basketball,soccer,volleyball,and all sports played with a ball,you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring. In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager.And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do.If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom. Now,I've mentioned football.Baseball and football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country.And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values. I enjoy comparing baseball and football: Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle. Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park. The baseball park! Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium. Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying. In football you wear a helmet. In baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs - what down is it? Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up? In football you receive a penalty. In baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick. In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness. Baseball has the sacrifice. Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog... In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play. Baseball has the seventh inning stretch. Football has the two minute warning. Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings. Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death. In baseball,during the game,in the stands,there's kind of a picnic feeling;emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness. In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being. And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different: In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz,even if he has to use shotgun.With short bullet passes and long bombs,he marches his troops into enemy territory,balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line. In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 06:29 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A young lady arrived at her first ballgame during the 5th inning. "The score is 0 to 0," she heard a nearby fan say. "Oh, good," she cooed to her boyfriend, "then we haven't missed a thing."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 05:28 PM                        Rated G Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds." Doug replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-09-2003 07:33 AM                        Rated G Lorraine "Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch,it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-09-2003 12:05 PM                        Rated G Brian in London The English Baseball Player A local community club was organizing a baseball team. They could only muster eight players,and were hard put to find a ninth.In desperation, they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman who had just moved into the neighborhood from London,to join their team. During their first game,the Englishman came to bat.On the very first pitch,he knocked the ball out of the park. The team members stood there,dumfounded. Unfortunately, so did the Englishman. "Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!" The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he replied. "I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."  |  IP: Logged Steven Privett Expert Film Handler Posts: 208 From: Pasadena, TX, USA Registered: Dec 2000 posted 07-09-2003 10:46 PM                    According to CNET News, an anonymous person organized an Internet-wide hacking contest over the Fourth of July weekend. In related news, the stock price of the Jolt Cola Corporation has increased by nearly 2,000 percent. A Ford truck sponsored by presidential candidate Sen. Bob Graham won its first NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series race, a 250-miler in Kansas on Saturday. Graham says he sponsored the truck in the hope that it would bring out the "Hell, I'll vote for any guy whose name sounds like a cracker" crowd during this fall's primaries. An arrest warrant was issued for NBA star Kobe Bryant after a woman accused him of sexual misconduct at a hotel outside Vail, Colo. According to reports, a drunken Bryant saw the large-breasted woman in a purple and yellow blouse, mistook her for teammate Shaquille O'Neal, and hugged her and patted her on the rear.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 07:50 PM                        Rated G Janine A boxer staggered back to his corner after taking a beating for six rounds. "Dont give up now," whispered his manager. "You've got a no-hitter going."  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 15 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  ...  13  14  15

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.