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Author Topic: Sports Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 10:52 AM                        Rated G While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said. "Wow," said the tourist. The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 10:54 AM                        Rated G Dad: "What happened to your eye?" Tom: "I was staring at a ball from afar, and I was wondering why it was getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 10:57 AM                        Rated G Stranger: Catch any fish? Fisherman: Did I! I took 25 out of this stream this morning. Stranger: Do you know who I am? I’m the game warden. Fisherman: Do you know who I am? I’m the biggest liar in the country.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 11:01 AM                        Rated G A football coach had a star quarterback who was as dumb as a post. The only way the kid could stay on the team would be to pass all his classes, which was impossible. All his teachers agreed to go easy on him except for one, his math teacher. The coach begged the math teacher to not fail the kid. The math teacher agreed to give the boy an oral exam which, if he passed, would count for class credit. The coach came to the exam to support his star athlete. The math teacher asked only one question for the exam: "What is two plus two?" "Four," the athlete answered. The football coach went into a panic and yelled, "Give him another chance! Just one more chance!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2005 01:19 PM                        Rated G If a customer's bet at the racetrack is unclear, we cashiers have to ask for more information. One day two girls who were at the track for the first time approached the counter and requested No. 3. The cashier asked if they wanted No. 3 to win. "You mean we can bet them to lose?" One of them asked.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2005 08:41 PM                        Rated G "I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a "good hit," which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal organ to actually fly out of a player's body." --Dave Barry  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2005 12:30 PM                        Rated G A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and eachtime someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2005 10:08 AM                        Rated G Chip, his wife Anne and his family attended as many local high school football games as they could every fall. After an especially exciting Friday night game, the whole family was exhausted from yelling and screaming. On Monday morning, their youngest, six-year-old Breanne, went to the breakfast table and, in a hoarse voice, announced, "I can't go to school today." "Why not?" asked her parents. Breanne replied, "I was cheering so much I have yeller fever."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2005 09:27 PM                        Rated G A consumer group says video games are getting more and more violent. Some feature blood, missiles, and fierce fighting forces. And that's just NBA 2005.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2005 12:12 PM                        Rated G Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon, a Michigan fan, an Ohio State fan, a Notre Dame fan, and a Penn State fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most "die-hard" fan. Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Notre Dame fan proclaimed to the other four, "This is for the Fighting Irish!" and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice. Not to be outdone by a Notre Dame fan, the Penn State fan jumped up and shouted, "This is for the Nittany Lions!" and then threw himself off the mountain. Refusing to be outdone by the Notre Dame and Penn State fans, the Ohio State fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs "This is for the Buckeyes!" and without any hesitation pushed the Michigan fan off the mountain.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2005 08:51 AM                        [b]Rated G From a vacant lot across the street, twelve-year-old Dave and his older brother Joe Jr., sixteen, took turns pitching hardballs to each other and hitting toward their house, about 150 feet away. One day, Dave hit a drive that shattered the bathroom window. After warning his sons about being more careful, Joe Sr. replaced the window. But the very next day, Dave blasted another pitch from his brother that slammed into the very same window, breaking it again. Knowing their father would be furious, Dave and Joe Jr. pulled down the venetian blinds in the bathroom to hide the damage. When Joe Sr. discovered what happened, he confronted the boys. His anger was softened when Dave said, "But, Dad, you should be glad that I can hit it that far."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2005 01:14 PM                        Rated G At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2005 12:48 PM                        Rated G "At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean? "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program." - -Dave Barry  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2005 03:56 PM                        Rated G popo How to make a Detroit Lions fan mad! What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl? The Detroit Lions. -- What do the Detroit Lions and Billy Graham have in common? They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ". -- How do you keep a Detroit Lion out of your yard? Put up goal posts. -- Where do you go in Detroit in case of a tornado? To Ford Field - they never get a touchdown there! -- What do you call a Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring? A thief. -- What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and a dollar bill? You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill. -- How many Detroit Lions does it take to win a Super Bowl? Nobody knows and we may never find out! -- What do the Lions and possums have in common? Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2006 02:25 PM                        Rated G Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked. "You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!" "Really? How'd you do that?" "I dropped the ball." D  |  IP: Logged

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