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Author
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Topic: Sports
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-10-2004 01:17 PM
Rated G
Prime Minister Martin today announced that the federal government will take over the National Hockey League and run it as a "sacred trust, just like health care." The announcement came as pressure mounted for the government to do something to end the current NHL shutdown.
"No Canadian should be deprived of NHL hockey during hockey season," Martin said. "We will take over the NHL and run it in the public interest, just like we run the government of Canada."
In an hour-long news conference, the prime minister outlined reforms to the national game that his government will present to an emergency session of Parliament next week. "To protect the NHL from further Americanization, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman will be fired and replaced immediately by Governor-General Adrienne Clarkson," Martin said.Asked whether the Governor-General knew anything about hockey, Martin replied "not much," but that Clarkson and 200 of her closest friends would be leaving immediately on a fact-finding tour to investigate hockey-government relations in Hawaii, Fiji and Monaco. To address longstanding concerns about escalating violence in hockey, Martin said the government will increase the number of linesmen and referees to 12 per game, one official for each player on the ice. In addition, Canada's gun registry legislation will be amended to require all hockey sticks to be registered.Once nationalized, all NHL teams will be subject to federal government guidelines for gender equality, affirmative action, and non-discrimination in hiring. "Inability to skate, shoot, or pass,"Martin said, "will no longer be a sufficient reason for denying any Canadian an opportunity to play in the NHL."Martin added that in future all NHL teams will also be required to abolish the position of "right wing" from their rosters. Asked why, Martin said it was necessary to increase support for hockey among union members, and to secure NDP backing for the NHL nationalization bill in Parliament.
The PM affirmed that "the great Canadian principle of equalization will be fully applied to our national game." "The current distribution of NHL teams in Canada is unacceptable to this government," he said. "It violates the principle of regional equality for Alberta and Ontario to have two NHL teams each while some provinces have none. Commencing next season, the Toronto Maple Leafs will be moved to Fredericton and the Edmonton Oilers to Charlottetown." Martin declared the seating arrangements at NHL hockey rinks "unacceptable" as well. "We do notaccept two-tier medicine in this country and wecannot accept multi-tier seating at hockey arenas. It's un-Canadian." Martin explained that former public works minister Alfonso Gagliano will be put in charge of a program to flatten the seating arrangements in all NHL arenas.
Asked how spectators in the back rows would be able to see the game, Martin said the government is devising a plan for rotating spectators from back seats to front seats between periods."It is our intention, in the interests of fairness,to ensure that any inability to see the game is fully equalized among all spectators, Martin said. "It's the Canadian way."
In recognition of the principle of "asymmetric federalism," and to secure the support of the Bloc Quebecois for the nationalization measure, Martin also confirmed that the Montreal Canadiens will be exempted from the proposed reforms.
Finally, to pay for the nationalization program,the government's next budget will include a Fan Tax, an Ice Tax, a Puck Tax, a Stick Registration Fee and a new 115-per-cent income tax bracket for any hockey player making more money than the PM.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-15-2004 01:18 PM
Rated G
The Top 15 Signs an Athlete Is About to Lose It...
15. One of the players just got conked in the head with a ball -- and you're watching pro bowling.
14. Stepping into the batter's box, he carefully adjusts his cup. Then he adjusts the catcher's.
13. Half his face is now covered by a tattoo depicting the ancient Sumerian symbol for pre-menstrual syndrome.
12. Instead of the team jersey, he's wearing a "What Would O.J. Do?" T-shirt.
11. Buys his wife a $6-million ring and whispers, "You'll understand tomorrow."
10. While the other wrestlers are whacking each other with folding chairs, he's grabbing a Barcalounger.
9. One of the rhythmic gymnasts is using a ribbon made of entrails.
8. He's still furious over being misled by Ohio exit polls predicting a Kerry victory.
7. Marv Albert's new book, "I Boned Ron Artest's Mom Senseless," hits the stores tomorrow.
6. It's just the wrong time of the month for Paul Hamm.
5. What was once a natural yearning for a Super Bowl ring has become a ghastly obsession with "The Precioussss."
4. It's three yards and a cloud of perfume.
3. He's attempting to gnaw his way out of the penalty box.
2. There's a minute to go, the score's tied, and he's wound tighter than Joan Rivers' face.
... and the Number 1 Sign an Athlete Is About to Lose It ...
1. He warms the bench, all right -- with a flamethrower.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-12-2005 06:25 AM
Rated PG Michele
The Top 32 Things the Super Bowl MVP Is Going to Do Now
32.> "I'm coming out of the closet!"
31.> "I'm going to get this Super Bowl ring appraised!"
30.> "I'm going to drink a pre-test steroid masking agent!"
29.> "I'm going to snort coke off that cheerleader's cleavage!"
28.> "I'm going to an NHL game! ... What?!?"
27.> "No drug tests for four months -- whatchu think I'm gonna do, Einstein?!?"
26.> "I'm going to EuroDisney to be spit on by Frogs!"
25.> "I'm going to praise the Almighty and thank Him for realizing what a bunch of lecherous, thieving, whoring, blaspheming, womanizing, scum-sucking, Satan-worshipping, low-lifes the other team really is."
24.> "I'm going to take a vow of poverty and divest myself of all material possessions ... NOT!"
23.> "I'm going to give my girlfriend a pearl necklace!"
22.>going to be adopted by Angelina Jolie!"
21.> I'm going go see 'Phantom of the Opera' for the eighth time!"
20> "I'm going to use this as leverage to demand a ridiculous raise, thereby ending this dynasty!"
19> "I'm going to serve out the remainder of my sentence!"
18> "I'm going to collect my winnings from Pete Rose!"
17> "I'm going to Oscar WildeWorld!"
16> "I'm taking my kids to Neverland Ranch!"
15> "I'm going to put this here jersey up on eBay!"
14> "I'm going to have sex with a bunch of skanks in the parking lot."
13> "Gee, I hadn't really thought about it. Got any good ideas?"
12> "I'm going to drive 90 mph through a residential neighborhood with drugs, thousands of dollars in cash and an unregistered handgun in my vehicle -- with a suspended driver's license!"
11> "I'm going for a day of beauty treatments at Elizabeth Arden!"
10> "I'm going to play tonsil hockey with Joe Buck!"
9> "I'm going to nail the coach's wife after he passes out drunk!"
8> "I'm going to Vegas to marry Britney Spears!"
7> "I'm going to head over to my attorney's house to review all the paternity suits that have been filed during the last 15 minutes."
6> "I'm gettin' me a hummer ... in my Hummer!"
5> "I'm going to spend the next hour getting rid of my helmet- hair!"
4> "I'm going to get a call from the President, provided he didn't choke to death on a snack!"
3> "I'm going to kill my wife and an innocent waiter!"
2> "I'm going to take some time to properly mourn the passing of Yasser Arafat!"
1> "I'm going to Super Glue Terrell Owens' mouth shut!"
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