Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems,known as"squawks," submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.In the following, P = The problem logged by the pilot... S = Thesolution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fp! m descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

Flying Lines

Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.

Flying is hours of boredom, punctuated by moments of stark terror.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

Without fuel, pilots become pedestrians.

If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

Experience is a hard teacher. First comes the test, then the lesson.

Cessna pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around the microphone.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.

To go up, pull the stick back. To go down, pull the stick back harder.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the first!

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane
another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old bold pilots.

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good shit. A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.

Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.

Helicopters don't fly. They beat the air into submission.

Never ask a man if he is a fighter pilot. If he is, he'll let you know. If he isn't, don't embarrass him.

Things which do you no good in aviation:
Altitude above you.

Runway behind you.

Fuel in the truck.

A navigator.

Half a second ago.

Approach plates in the car.

The airspeed you don't have.

Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight. They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess.

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the
Northwest. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked
the man seated in front of me.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

From this week's Short Final at http://www.avweb.com:

Round engines

Isn't this the truth. Death to turbines!

We gotta get rid of these turbines, they are ruining aviation. We need to go back to big round engines.

Anybody can start a turbine, you just need to move a switch from "OFF" to "START," and then remember it needs kerosene after a while. My PC is harder to start.

Cranking a round engine requires skill, finesse and style. Only pilots and mechanics can do it right. Turbines start by whining for a while, then give a small lady-like poot and start whining louder.

Round engines give a satisfying clank-rattle, click-click, BANG, more rattles, groans another BANG, a big macho fart or two, more clicks, a lot of fire and smoke and finally a serious low pitched roar. We like that. It's a guy thing.

When you start a round engine, your mind is engaged and ready for a fight and you can concentrate on the flight ahead. Starting a turbine is like flicking on a ceiling fan: Useful, but hardly exciting.

Turbines don't break often enough, leading to aircrew boredom, complacency and inattention. A round engine at speed looks and sounds like it's going to blow at any minute. This helps concentrate the mind.

Turbines don't have enough control levers to keep a pilot's attention. There's nothing to fiddle with during long flights.

Turbines smell like a Boy Scout camp full of Coleman lanterns. Round engined airplanes smell like God intended flying machines to smell.

I think I hear the nurse coming down the hall. I gotta go.

Q: What's the difference between an airline pilot and a turbine engine?

A friend of mine heard this on a pre-flight announcement from an
American Airlines pilot: "On our flight today, we will be flying
at 34,000 feet. To give you an idea of how high that is, we would be
able to fly over 50 Empire state buildings stacked one on top the
other.

"Our speed will be about 500 miles per hour. That is just over the
muzzle velocity of the standard military .45 pistol."

"We will be pushed along by two Pratt and Whitney JT-8D-200 turbofan engines. While thrust to horsepower varies with altitude,the total 40,000 pounds of thrust is greater than the combined power of 10 D-9 diesel locomotives."

"In other words, we're faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and as always, your Dallas based crew stands for truth, justice, and the AMERICAN way of life!"

THE OLD FIGHTER PILOT

There was this crusty old fighter pilot who found himself at a local liberal arts college gala. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic women in attendance, one of whom approached the soldier for conversation.

"Excuse me sir,but you seem such a serious man. Are you always this way or is something bothering you?"

"Nope. Just serious by nature ma'am' he replied.

She looked at his medals, "It looks like you've seen a lot of action."

"Yes I have," was the man's short reply.

The young woman, tiring of her attempt at conversation, said "You know, you should lighten up a little and have some fun! For example, when was the last time you had sex?"

The old pilot said "1955."

"Oh, my! No sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

On that note, the following is rated R

Q: At the layover hotel how do the hookers know when they're dealing with a pilot?

A: Those are the guys with:

1. Big watch
   
2. Little dick
   
3. No money

On a flight home after a business trip, Jill was waiting for her meal.

By the time the attendant reached her seat, only one dinner remained on her cart. Nonetheless, she followed routine by asking, "Steak or chicken?"

And since it was my leg and landing, I replied "Good advice."

The Army Airborne Major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.

"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,' " the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."

A couple of "pilot pay" jokes:

Blackbird driver at the bar (rather condescendingly):
"...and we were cruising at flight level 650...but you guys never get much over forty thousand, do you?"

Disgusted airline pilot:
"Only in salary."

* * * * *

It was rougher than Aunt Tillie's stucco bathtub at all altitudes in New York Center's airspace. Everyone was calling for smoother altitudes, without much success. Finally, up pops a voice saying "Lear 23CB, it's nice and smooth at FL450."

Silence for a few moments. Then comes the response:
"Northwest 482, yeah, but how's the pay up there?"