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Topic: Aviation
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-15-2004 10:10 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Michele
These are claimed to be actual announcements made by in-flight
attendants:
Before takeoff:
"To operate your seat belt,insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.Actually, it works just like every other seat belt on the planet.If you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,oxygen masks
will descend from the ceiling.Stop screaming,grab the mask,and pull it over your face.If you have a small child traveling with
you, or someone who is acting like a small child,secure your mask before assisting with theirs.If you are traveling with two such persons,decide now which one you love more."
Shortly before arrival:
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees, with some broken
clouds; but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your travel money, more
than this airline."
On the ground, after an exceedingly bumpy landing:
"Ladies and Gentlemen,please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash' and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate.And,once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
On arrival: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.And,the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube,we hope you'll think of us here at this airline."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-20-2004 03:17 PM
Rated R Not sure where to post this but this seems appropriate - Bob ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals ondisplay.While he was there,a CWO from the local air base walked in and said to the shopkeeper "I'll take a 933 monkey, please".Theshopkeeper nodded,went to a cage at the side of the store,and took out a monkey.He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the Chief, saying,"That'll be $2,000." The man paid and left with the monkey.
The surprised tourist went to the shopkeeper and said,"That was
a very expensive monkey.Most of them are only a few hundred
dollars.Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a 933 monkey. He can build
pallets of freight, plan aircraft loads, rig loads for airdrops,
drive forklifts, type manifests, heat meals for officers,and
perform the duties of any TrafficTech with no back talk or
complaints.It's well worth the money."
The tourist then spotted a monkey in another cage."That one's
even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" he asked.
"Oh, that one" replied the shopkeeper. "That's a "Maintenance
Supervisor" monkey.It can instruct at all levels of maintenance,
supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate, and Depot level,and even do most of the paperwork.A very useful monkey indeed."
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage.The price tag was $50,000.The shocked tourist
exclaimed,"This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?"
"Actually," said the shopkeeper,"I've never actually seen him do
anything but drink beer and play with his penis, but his papers
say he's a Pilot." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
[ 10-24-2004, 10:06 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-09-2004 12:10 PM
Rated PG Aviation Quotes
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F.Crickmore -test pilot)
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
From an old carrier sailor - Blue water Navy truism; there are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter --
and therefore, unsafe.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
The two most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?" "Where are we?"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your problem to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
Advice given to RAF pilots during W. W. II - When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, "Endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible".
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down.
(Ernest K. Gann, author &aviator)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement.The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time (Author unknown,but someone who's been there)
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter,it's about to.
Basic Flying Rules Try to stay in the middle of the air.Do not go near the edges of it.The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.It is much more difficult to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-16-2004 11:54 AM
Rated G True Story
The Blind Man
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly,
the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.
The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name,said,
"Keith,we're in Sacramento for almost an hour.Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind man replied,"No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill
when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story . . . Have a great day and remember . . . things aren't always as they appear.
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